Lindsay Lohan Had Paris Hilton’s Little Brother Beaten, Or Something

Lindsay Lohan can blow a man’s penis so hard reality bends around it which is really all the information you need to know in “The Case of Barron Hilton Getting His Face Punched In At Her Request,” but I’m going to tell you more anyway because somehow I’m contractually obligated to write words under the pictures. Beats me. TMZ reports:

Multiple sources connected to the situation tell us … Barron attended a party last night at a Miami mansion where Lindsay has been staying while she’s in town for an art festival — a party that lasted until well after the sun came up.
We’re told … during the party, someone accused Barron of talking smack about Lindsay — and a short time later he was attacked and beaten to a pulp. TMZ obtained a photo of the damage.
We know … 24-year-old Barron spoke with police following the incident. He claims Lohan orchestrated the beating.
Barron told cops Lindsay approached him at the party with a male friend and began screaming, “‘You talk sh*t about me to my boyfriend, this is what you get.”
As the guy proceeded to pummel Barron, Hilton claims Lindsay was laughing and egging him on.
Cops were called to the scene and interviewed Barron. We’re told Barron doesn’t know the identity of his attacker but is adamant Lindsay is the person behind the attack.

Lindsay’s dad – who is in a completely different state, yet naturally is blabbing to TMZ – is adamant she left the party before the attack happened, so of course, there’s video of Barron yelling at Lindsay right after he got his face punched in. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton has vowed vengeance:

Barron Hilton posted a photo of his jacked up face on Instagram Saturday — showing the aftermath of his brawl with a guy he claims punched the crap out of him at LiLo’s request … and it fired Paris up.
Paris commented on the pic saying, “They both will pay for what they did. No one fucks with my family and gets away with it!!”

Since then police have identified the person responsible for the attack, Ray Lemoine, and attempted to question Lindsay only to have her duck them multiple times because that’s what innocent people do. Run from the police. Page Six reports:

Lindsay Lohan fled her Miami hotel Saturday night after cops showed up twice to interview her and her entourage after Paris and Nicky Hilton’s little brother Barron Hilton claimed the actress had him beaten to a pulp.
The troubled starlet checked out of Miami Beach’s Shore Club around 4 p.m. Saturday after locking herself in her penthouse suite all day following a party at a mansion which ended on Friday morning with Barron, 24, left bloodied after being punched in the face.

Remember when I started this post by pointing out Lindsay Lohan gives mind-altering blowjobs so sucktastic other people who aren’t even in the room feel them and suddenly want to pay for her crimes? This is what we call in the biz “coming full circle (into a freckled mouth.)” TMZ reports:

The guy who laid the smackdown on Barron Hilton’s face this week is claiming Lindsay Lohan had nothing to do with the attack … and his rep tells TMZ the blame falls entirely on Barron.
A rep for Ray Lemoine (yes, really) claims his fists only started flying after Barron refused to leave the house … and says Paris Hilton’s little brother got physical first.
We’re told Ray had been renting the house for a few days — and allowed LiLo to stay there because she was a friend of a friend … but claims Hilton got all pissy when Lemoine asked him to leave after the party Friday morning.
The rep claims Hilton pulled the “do you know who I am card” but Ray didn’t care — so Barron pushed him … and that’s when things got violent.

So let’s look at the facts: We know Barron Hilton definitely got his face punched in at a party Lindsay Lohan was definitely at. We know the person who punched him definitely has a penis that will fit inside Lindsay’s mouth. We also know this pissed Paris Hilton off to the point that she used two angry face emoticons. Ergo, everyone involved, including Paris, should get the chair. Find me a jury who won’t agree with me, and I’ll show you Michael Lohan after finding a way to replicate himself into an elite squad of vagina kickers before escaping to the Los Angeles underground for a crime they probably committed.

Photos: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News