Lindsay Lohan Had Paris Hilton’s Little Brother Beaten, Or Something

December 9th, 2013 // 31 Comments
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Lindsay Lohan can blow a man’s penis so hard reality bends around it which is really all the information you need to know in “The Case of Barron Hilton Getting His Face Punched In At Her Request,” but I’m going to tell you more anyway because somehow I’m contractually obligated to write words under the pictures. Beats me. TMZ reports:

Multiple sources connected to the situation tell us … Barron attended a party last night at a Miami mansion where Lindsay has been staying while she’s in town for an art festival — a party that lasted until well after the sun came up.
We’re told … during the party, someone accused Barron of talking smack about Lindsay — and a short time later he was attacked and beaten to a pulp. TMZ obtained a photo of the damage.
We know … 24-year-old Barron spoke with police following the incident. He claims Lohan orchestrated the beating.
Barron told cops Lindsay approached him at the party with a male friend and began screaming, “‘You talk sh*t about me to my boyfriend, this is what you get.”
As the guy proceeded to pummel Barron, Hilton claims Lindsay was laughing and egging him on.
Cops were called to the scene and interviewed Barron. We’re told Barron doesn’t know the identity of his attacker but is adamant Lindsay is the person behind the attack.

Lindsay’s dad – who is in a completely different state, yet naturally is blabbing to TMZ – is adamant she left the party before the attack happened, so of course, there’s video of Barron yelling at Lindsay right after he got his face punched in. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton has vowed vengeance:

Barron Hilton posted a photo of his jacked up face on Instagram Saturday — showing the aftermath of his brawl with a guy he claims punched the crap out of him at LiLo’s request … and it fired Paris up.
Paris commented on the pic saying, “They both will pay for what they did. No one fucks with my family and gets away with it!!”

Since then police have identified the person responsible for the attack, Ray Lemoine, and attempted to question Lindsay only to have her duck them multiple times because that’s what innocent people do. Run from the police. Page Six reports:

Lindsay Lohan fled her Miami hotel Saturday night after cops showed up twice to interview her and her entourage after Paris and Nicky Hilton’s little brother Barron Hilton claimed the actress had him beaten to a pulp.
The troubled starlet checked out of Miami Beach’s Shore Club around 4 p.m. Saturday after locking herself in her penthouse suite all day following a party at a mansion which ended on Friday morning with Barron, 24, left bloodied after being punched in the face.

Remember when I started this post by pointing out Lindsay Lohan gives mind-altering blowjobs so sucktastic other people who aren’t even in the room feel them and suddenly want to pay for her crimes? This is what we call in the biz “coming full circle (into a freckled mouth.)” TMZ reports:

The guy who laid the smackdown on Barron Hilton’s face this week is claiming Lindsay Lohan had nothing to do with the attack … and his rep tells TMZ the blame falls entirely on Barron.
A rep for Ray Lemoine (yes, really) claims his fists only started flying after Barron refused to leave the house … and says Paris Hilton’s little brother got physical first.
We’re told Ray had been renting the house for a few days — and allowed LiLo to stay there because she was a friend of a friend … but claims Hilton got all pissy when Lemoine asked him to leave after the party Friday morning.
The rep claims Hilton pulled the “do you know who I am card” but Ray didn’t care — so Barron pushed him … and that’s when things got violent.

So let’s look at the facts: We know Barron Hilton definitely got his face punched in at a party Lindsay Lohan was definitely at. We know the person who punched him definitely has a penis that will fit inside Lindsay’s mouth. We also know this pissed Paris Hilton off to the point that she used two angry face emoticons. Ergo, everyone involved, including Paris, should get the chair. Find me a jury who won’t agree with me, and I’ll show you Michael Lohan after finding a way to replicate himself into an elite squad of vagina kickers before escaping to the Los Angeles underground for a crime they probably committed.

Photos: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News

superficial

  1. JC

    Take them to the Thunderdome!

    Two skanks enter!
    No skanks leave!
    …because they died inside after snorting coke off of each other’s disease-riddled bodies, or something like that…

  2. This would would work well as a Monday Night Raw story line with the final promotion being:

    Paris and Lindsay in Bikinis in a Cage Match with Oprah as the Special referee.

    Oprah might get back some ROI on the $2 million she’s investing in Lindsay with that promo.

  3. BlinkyTheFish

    It really does amaze me how someone who can’t get a decent role or even a Tara Reid level role still manages to score penthouse suites and private plane rides – yes, you say suckability, but really? Guys are willing to shell out carte blanche for a blowjob when she looks more and more like the aging hooker from Futurama at only 27? Honestly? I’ve made the wrong career choice.

  4. alex

    I want to see Paris fight Lindsay. I think Lindsay would win but only because she’s, “meth-strong.”

    • They are both in horrible shape, but Lindsay has the weight, so I say if it goes to the ground, it’ll be Lohan ground and pound on Paris’ ugly mug.

    • Lindsay would win the fight by smacking Paris in the face with her low hanging tits.

      • Dox

        Actually its not the tit… its the concentrated meth inside. Once that explodes out of the nipple and becomes airborne, its really all over for Hilton. But give the girl her due, Hiltons probably sixty percent plastic by now. It might not do anything more than melt her nose back into human form.

        This might be decided more in striking power. If Lohan’s dollar fifty fake nails can gouge enough plastic from Hiltons back and sides, she may be able to win by TKO.

        Its really, just too early to tell.
        (I feel like Christmas came early this year….)

  5. I’d like to Lindsay join Club 27. It’s high time she did. Pun intended. All this bullshit and drama would not exist had her mother just swallowed.

  6. Beaten to a pulp??? Really? Shit, it looks like he took one punch to his face and got his Prada glasses busted. No fat lip, no shiner and no broken nose. I say you got off easy punk

  7. Cowboy Ninja

    “No one fucks with my family and gets away with it!! – This is from a woman who literally fucked everyone and carries the full assortment of sexual diseases know to man. Believe her. Either through a paternity test or the CDC she will get you!

  8. paris and lilo thunderdome = thunder bore.
    lilo will be late or wont show up at all.
    (even if theres $$$ involved.)
    paris will send a cardboard cutout of herself
    and no one will know the difference.

  9. isn’t it time she stops being referred to as the actress? Socialite, Scourge, Addict, Uncouth-Redhaired-Befreckled-Saggasaurus-Rex… something since ‘actress’ is not what she is anymore.

  10. Juano

    You know, at one point, I felt sympathy for Lindsey Lohan; child star, exploited by her parents, undereducated, that sort of stuff.

    But really, she just demonstrates that she is useless and all the talk of her “talent” is just hype by other actors and actresses with the brains of constipated hamsters.

  11. Lindsay Lohan Swimsuit Ass
    bewbs
    Commented on this photo:

    I feel like this is what it would look like if you put a frog in a swimsuit.

  12. I for one am looking forward to the upcoming turf war between House Lohan and House Hilton.

  13. Dox

    Please…. drag them into a sand filled arena. I want Lohan on her knees, gazing up at Hilton. Swords stained red, with tigers on chain leashes growling in the background.

    I want Hilton to growl out…

    “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

    Then…. I want her eaten by a tiger….Lohan can die from sustained wounds, I don’t care. Let them entertain.

  14. On behalf of The Superficial, TMZ, E!, and random celebrity hating jackholes on the internet everywhere, let me be the first to address Lindsay, Paris, et all, and say:

    Thank You.

  15. probert

    that was one symmetrical beating

  16. Chaz

    Lilo & Stitches

  17. I’m curious, do you think the Lohan parasites are aware that there are people that don’t live day to day on whatever grift they can hustle from Lindsay’s infamy?

    I ask only because the Hilton family are people of not inconsiderable means. Surely, were they to desire, they could have the Lohans rounded up by ex-Mossad agents, welded into oil drums and thrown in the ocean?

    I think the best of all possible scenarios here is that Paris has the entire Lohan family murdered (even Ali, because we must eradicate the line) and is then found guilty of their murders and sent to prison for life. Obviously, this would need to happen outside of California, because starring in a national commercial is enough to give you diplomatic immunity for life there, but a boy can dream.

  18. Tentatively on team Hilton here. Barron at least has the benefit of a clean slate, since I was completely unaware of his existence until this post; but if this kerfuffle is about laying the groundwork for some god-awful, douchey reality show, all bets are off.

    • sonic brain

      Barron has had more than his share of past legal troubles (though nowhere near as many as Lindsay) and is fairly well known on the LA party circut. However, unlike his eldest sister, he tends to keep a low profile and shy’s away from the paps. That being said; anyone who’s been to a party where he’s in attendance can attest to the fact that he can be quite the obnoxious drunk, and when really lit can become downright belligerent.

  19. The Bishop

    Always entertaining when the scum fight amongst themselves. This is the same Paris Hilton that confused MLK w/ Mandela last week, yes?

  20. Jack Hoff

    …and was kicked out of four seperate schools, and needed to take her GED exam twice before passing, and who didn’t know that London was part of England.

    Yes Bishop, it’s the same Paris Hilton.

  21. Dr.J

    Uh, how do you get ‘beaten to a pulp’ but only have like five tiny perfect cuts in like a star around the middle of your face? What did he hit him with? A fistful of pencil crayons?

  22. Moshe Blumenkranz

    #teamdarwin

  23. Gee, growing up with a name like “Barron”, you’d think he could take a punch.

  24. Frank Burns

    Any arrangement of these three words makes me happy: hurt, Lohan, Hilton.

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