Lindsay Was Only Drinking Tea, You Guys

And just like the other 50 times Lindsay Lohan has arrived in court only to walk away with a mere slap on the wrist that turns out to be a pat on the head, here are the avalanche of stories that have sloughed off her drunken, freckled funbags:

- Lindsay is, again, claiming she failed her alcohol test because of kombucha tea which doesn’t explain why she refused to take two drug tests unless Nantucket Nectar is made with blow now. [TMZ]

- Michael Lohan shined up his finest pair of vagina kickers and immediately shoved his face in the press to blame Samantha Ronson for ratting out Lindsay. [RumorFix]

- Wilmer Valderrama wants to bang Lindsay again which is the only possible explanation for calling her “ridiculously talented” again. He knows she’s not still 17, right? I feel like someone should point that out. [People]

- Apparently the judge has no legal grounds to restrict Lindsay from throwing parties while on house arrest because that would make too much sense. [FOX News]

- Which at least makes it hilarious that Lindsay, who’s so broke she tried to shake down Matt Lauer, just paid to have a huge bamboo fence installed around her roof. [RadarOnline]

If anyone needs me, I’ll be robbing banks in Southern California and claiming I’m the kid from Jerry Maguire. “Did you know the human head weighs eight pounds? DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DYE PACK!”

Photos: Splash News