Lindsay Was Only Drinking Tea, You Guys

June 24th, 2011 // 39 Comments

And just like the other 50 times Lindsay Lohan has arrived in court only to walk away with a mere slap on the wrist that turns out to be a pat on the head, here are the avalanche of stories that have sloughed off her drunken, freckled funbags:

- Lindsay is, again, claiming she failed her alcohol test because of kombucha tea which doesn’t explain why she refused to take two drug tests unless Nantucket Nectar is made with blow now. [TMZ]

- Michael Lohan shined up his finest pair of vagina kickers and immediately shoved his face in the press to blame Samantha Ronson for ratting out Lindsay. [RumorFix]

- Wilmer Valderrama wants to bang Lindsay again which is the only possible explanation for calling her “ridiculously talented” again. He knows she’s not still 17, right? I feel like someone should point that out. [People]

- Apparently the judge has no legal grounds to restrict Lindsay from throwing parties while on house arrest because that would make too much sense. [FOX News]

- Which at least makes it hilarious that Lindsay, who’s so broke she tried to shake down Matt Lauer, just paid to have a huge bamboo fence installed around her roof. [RadarOnline]

If anyone needs me, I’ll be robbing banks in Southern California and claiming I’m the kid from Jerry Maguire. “Did you know the human head weighs eight pounds? DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DYE PACK!”

Photos: Splash News

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  1. cc

    Psst, Lindsay, next time you are charged with DUI don’t forget to use the caraway seed excuse!

  2. And she drinks her tea out of Jack Daniels bottles just like me…

  3. Just a reminder that this slap on the wrist has been brought to you by Yogi Teas, now featuring Green Tea Kombucha.

  4. Fredo

    I had a completely clean record, got caught with a roach in my car ashtray, and spent more time in jail than Lindsay has for all her crimes. What’s wrong with that picture?

  5. Inmate 12236969

    I bet she says she don’t eat pussy either.

  6. Awe come on, if nothing else Lindsay’s showing us in court what a great actress she is. One time as a kid i rem watching that old film Heidi with my little brother, and not getting why he cried when that girl walked. Yesterday it all made sense. Bravo Lindsay! (and Shirley Temple, and Marcia Mae Jones)

  7. Hey Hick Fuck You

    I know I am going on a rant here, but WTF! I am so sick of people talking about how “talented” this trashy whore is at acting. Has she done any stage work? Fuck no! Have the assholes that make that comment actually SEEN any of her movies? Labor Pains anyone? Shit, that was one of her BETTER ones if memory serves. Oh, and PLEASE STOP using Mean Girls as an example because that was an ensamble cast, and if you really look at it, she was one of the weaker actors. GOD DAMMIT the only thing this useless Jersey twat is good at is staying out of jail!

    The rant is over. Thank you for your time.

  8. Jon

    Wilmer Valderrama??? What has he done that has kept him relevant since his crappy character on that 70′s show? Never understood how dude keeps banging all of these actresses.

    • Right on man, Fez was the worst character on t.v. since the entire cast of Mama’s Family. He keeps banging all of those actresses because of alcohol,roofies, & the stupidity of 14 year olds. I think he not bieber knocked up Selena Gomes. They should make her join the military for 4 years or just give her the death penalty.

  9. Honest Abe

    Long Island Iced Tea?

  10. It had to be said

    Nice rack though.

  11. mike nike

    Never have I seen a person so famous for doing so little. Who cares about this bitch. She sucks at both acting and singing.

    • MrsWrong

      I would like to direct your attention to Kim Kardashian and/or Paris Hilton…OR Heidi Montag, OR Anna Nicole Smith OR that one legged bitch that married a Beatle…or Yoko Ono for that matter…Should I go on???

  12. Turd Ferguson

    Just Die would ya?

  13. Ms. Littlejohn

    I hate her hair that color. Bad. Lips, bad.

  14. Venom

    Face it, Lindsay is a bad bitch and is untouchable.

    And as far as I am concerned, as long as that animal Chris Brown roams the street free after beating the shit out of another human being and then also throwing a chair at a window of a skyscraper with people walking below and still never spending one fucking night in jail, Lindsay is still getting a raw deal.

  15. UJ

    “The kombucha mushroom people, sitting around all day…. Who would believe you? Who would believe you? Let your mothers pray…” – System of a Down “Sugar”

    • kimmykimkim

      “I’m not there all the time you know, some people…call it insane!” God, I love that fucking song!

  16. Dave

    Shes fucking hot

  17. Mr Happy

    Why isn’t this talent-free bitch in a gulag somewhere?? After a rigorous hate fuck, of course. Great rack

  18. terry

    Damn, I love the long sleeve shirt and slacks look on her.
    No talent, always in trouble bitch.
    Emma Stone is where Lindsey should be.

  19. kim k liar

    total waste of space at this point. when will she learn she isnt cool or capable?

    the father is the worst.

  20. Juano

    And the steady drip, drip, drip coming from your penis after you visited her at home isn’t an STD, either.

  21. kimmykimkim

    Oh, that crazy Lindsay and her kombucha tea – I mean – lying bloated face! Gurrl, you’re as much fun as a barrel of monkeys, aren’t you?

  22. sztumpf

    more like smoking tea… but the outfit is cute!

  23. MrsWrong

    Tea as in Tequila

  24. NightmareCentral

    I know that celebrities get special treatment n America, but she ain’t shit anymore… she was in like 3 movies.

  25. Tinklepants Astronaut

    She’s a drug-ridden, drunk, self-destructive lesbian, with no sense of personal responsibility, honor, or guilt. And yet, I furiously want to fuck her. Damn you, Lindsay Lohan.

  26. I keep picturing her ankle bracelet with a dial on it that accidentally gets bumped from “booze” to “just tea”.

  27. Mike

    So let me get this straight. Megan Fox called Michael Bay Hitler, and gets thrown on “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”, but Lindsay Lohan can wreck havoc across California and get away with it?

    Gotcha! ;-)

  28. Leporidae

    Oh come on who cares if she drinks alcohol and does coke? Seriously. I have a problem with her driving intoxicated but not getting trashed.

    I think that legally forbidding someone to drink alcohol in the privacy of their own home is fucked up. Take away her licence to drive, not her ability to drink imo.

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