Lindsay Lohan Fails Alcohol Test, Goes Diva on Matt Lauer

June 23rd, 2011 // 78 Comments

Despite reports to the contrary, Lindsay Lohan actually is subject to alcohol tests while on house arrest because she just failed one which is really the only plausible ending to her telling Life & Style there’s no booze in her house. So, of course, she’s due back in court today to face threats of jail, blah blah blah, they’ll probably just take away her Wii. In the meantime, Lindsay reportedly got shitty with Matt Lauer on Tuesday after he flew to LA for an agreed upon interview that would air on The Today Show. Except when Matt and his production crew arrived at her house, Lindsay flipped out and claimed she only agreed to 15 minutes (Read: She demanded $100,000.) because people on house arrest have very busy lives. At that point, the NBC crew walked and presumably tipped off the media. This prompted Lindsay’s publicist to talk to E! News and openly reveal that he pays to make stories go away which is always a brilliant PR move:

“I find it disconcerting that these people were in her home and someone decided to take advantage of the situation. I wish whoever made a quick 50 bucks off leaking the story to TMZ would have called me first because I would have offered them 75, and this never would have been an issue.

Keep in mind Lindsay’s publicists initially called to take the blame for botching the Matt Lauer interview, but just as he finishes tidying things up, he randomly admits his client is a train wreck who forces him to pay people to shut up. So, apparently there is a limit to how much bullshit publicists can sling before they eventually break down and start telling the truth out of sheer exhaustion. “So, again, totally my fault on this, but you know what? *sigh* She offered to blow these people, so I don’t what more we could’ve done. I’m just one man, and she does so much stupid shit all the fucking time. Goddammit. *breaks down crying* She makes me look at the babies after she runs over them. She makes me look at them!”

Photo: Splash News

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  1. JC

    Well, from these pictures, it’s clear there’s no booze IN her house. She was drinking on the balcony! Why do you have to be so mean to her? Why won’t people just give her a 432nd chance! (runs away crying to watch “Mean Girls” again)

    • she’s not even safe in mean girls. she got blamed for the burn book and it wasn’t even herrrrr……..

      • Bj

        Valid argument, Mr. Dudeatdudedotdude. What a travesty. I wish more people could understand the plight of Lindsay Lohan. If she just did her Matt Lauer interview, we could have (we really wouldn’t have).

    • Frank Burns

      Maybe it was her twin sister from England (I’ve only seen Lindsay in ‘Parent Trap’).

  2. don’t drop the soap..

  3. barry soetoro

    it’s about time that she gets placed in the slammer. bye-bye social menace!

  4. Bob

    What a way to screw up a free lunch.

  5. Ed G.

    “Despite reports to the contrary, Lindsay Lohan actually is subject to alcohol tests while on house arrest”

    This is the only place I’ve seen that said she wouldn’t be subject to testing.

    Anyone who knows anyone who’s been under house arrest will tell you that the sheriffs WILL come in and make you piss in a cup and they will search your house for drugs, alcohol, weapons and ammunition.

  6. mensa

    Fish, you’re so slow. This story has been out since 6pm yesterday. GOD sighhh

  7. Veronika Larsson

    Of course Lindsay hasn’t changed her ways. Why should she? Someone else always cleans up her messes and she rarely suffers any consequences for her actions.

    Lindsay has lived her entire life that way. The only one who can save Lindsay…is Lindsay. And it’s pretty obvious she hasn’t got any intention of doing that.

    (*waits for boring, sensible comment to be deleted because i didn’t call Lindsay any bad names*)

    • the thing is...

      Veronika, if you came here thinking this was a TMZ comment section, the rules are a little different. This is a celebrity bashing site, not a “let’s make sense of all this” site.

      • Bj

        Word. Plus, why waste your time making sense of LINDSAY LOHAN? Shes a giant dumbass who really doesn’t do anything bad or good for society. She’s just a drunk hoskank that people pay attention to because her stupidity and conceit makes ours look like genius and self-hatred. At least, that’s why I pay attention.
        Now, let us make our bitchy comments about Lindsay Lohan in peace.

      • Veronika Larsson

        Sorry, I can’t find it in me to judge nor hate a person I don’t know, and who only seems to hurt her herself. I do feel a bit sorry for Lindsay, she’s had so many times before the judge, you think she’d wake up. The fact that she hasn’t, even now, makes me believe she never will.

    • kimmykimkim

      Boring, sensible comments don’t get deleted here. Only spam…sometimes. And actually you’re totally right. She won’t change until something forces her to like actually going to jail for more than half a day. Or being forced into mandatory rehab for waaaay more than 90 days. Now if I could only take your comments and make a Lindsay bashing joke…hmm its too early..I’ll try later… :o)

    • Frank Burns

      Thanks Veronika, I think we all learned at lot. You are the After-school Special of the blogosphere.

    • Ed

      Hmmm your comment makes me think maybe I should start making a mess and being reckless. Playing by the rules hasn’t worked out so great . . . O wait I’m not famous. But maybe I will be after my crime spree!

  8. the thing is...

    IT’S NBC, NOT ABC.

  9. Steve O

    In other news, Samantha Ronson was seen at a Porsche dealership yesterday asking if it’s possible to gift wrap a car.

    • Roger Ebert

      Its too soon for this kind of comment!

    • search engines, they sure are a curious lot

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  10. Dina

    Michael Lohan just read this and screamed, “That fucker’s been lowballing me at 25 dollars every time!!!”

  11. Cock Dr

    Setting another fine example of dumb cunt-ness.
    Being an asshole to the “Today Show” producers is such smart move.

  12. Betheney

    If only her and dunn got together she could of been the passenger and saved that other poor bastard. The theory of natural selection would of 100% applied because lets admit she would of been in that passenger seat screaming “put your foot to the floor, your hands in the air, close your eyes and the coke sings to you!!!!”

  13. Dan

    She will fade away into obscurity eventually.

  14. Snack pack

    Lilo, our favorite trainwreck. Shit just got interesting again.

    Do I suck for seeing it that way?

    • kimmykimkim

      Neh, I think its totally normal. Everybody knew she was gonna get caught. And now that she has, its pretty fuckin funny.

      • we’re all different. for some, jail is a deterrent. for others nothing is. my 20s were a LOT wilder than hers. but i took what little money i had and invested in university, even lied to get in cos i didn’t finish hs. graduating- and parenthood- mellowed me the fuck out. partying at home was the right idea. it keeps her off the roads. just not.. while on probation!

    • Ed

      The only sad part is now we don’t get to see Lauer ask “Do you really think anyone believes you anymore?” which would’ve been 10x funnier and she might have broken a window.

  15. nessa

    She makes america look like a joke.

    How many chances has she had now 100 and the judge is gonna give her another chance hahaha

    • the thing is...

      No, she makes California look like a joke. Her bullshit wouldn’t fly here in my part of the country.

      • Richard McBeef

        What part of the country doesn’t kiss the asses of famous folks and give breaks to people that will suck a dick?

      • Turd Ferguson

        Yeah, keep telling yourself that. Money beats justice in all parts of this country.

      • sure, in manassas she’d be facing a hanging judge.

        california does however recognize it’s own long ass history of child stars who were unable to make the transition to normal adulthood. i.e. it’s not all lindsay.

        amy winehouse isn’t in ca either, and her rehab is swerving toward the obituaries as we speak

  16. the captain

    SO SHE’S AN AMERICAN, folks?

    • Crabby Old Guy

      That’s right mofo, so that (by definition) means that even SHE is worth 20 of you. Now go build something taller than 1 floor and get back to us.

  17. Lindsay Lohan Failed Alcohol Test
    The Most Interesting
    Commented on this photo:

    “If I just keep these sunglasses on, they’ll never know it was me!”

  18. Lindsay Lohan Failed Alcohol Test
    DeucePickle
    Commented on this photo:

    I can understand that when you have a rack like this, you can get away with all kinds of stuff, but seriously, 13 or 14 more times, and they’re not going to be able to help her any more.

  19. Twizlah

    “Blondie McFreckletits: A Cautionary Tale.”

  20. Emillio Estevez , Jr.

    She’s an addict. She can’t treat herself for her addictions . She needs a forced rehab for her own good . Smarten up ,Lindsay

    • I dont see Lindsay as an addict, I see her as a spolied, immature, self entitled party girl that thinks she can one up the system. I find the more opportunities for rehab and therapy only make it worse sometimes, bc it lets you believe you’re too weak and incapable and gives and you a crutch to put the ownus on others to ‘fix’ you and makes you think ‘oh well, I failed rehab, I’ll just try again later’. She needs a giant reality check *jail*.

      • kimmykimkim

        Yeah, I see Lindsay as a spoiled, immature, self entitled addict…oh and a pathological liar. Yeah for her by now, rehab is a joke. Bitch needs jail. Her parents should’ve thrown her into the year- long rehab my parents threw me into when I was 17. She would never ever want to go to rehab again.

      • kimmykimkim

        ..but if her patents HAD thrown her into rehab, then they would’ve had to get a job to pay for their own addictions, so, that would’ve never worked.

      • Isn’t that sad, bc that’s probably exactly what her parents were thinking. In that respect, I feel bad for her bc she has some pretty shitty parents, but on the other side, there are ppl who come from worse backgrounds that deal w life with way more gratitude and grace than this twat.

  21. Lindsay Lohan Failed Alcohol Test
    Commented on this photo:

    I thought those were pics of Charlize Theron filming the Monster sequel!!! Linds is looking uglier than a slugs belly & the blonde ain’t working for her. She was hot as a ginger.

  22. “In home alcohol TESTING? Shit, I thought it said ‘In home alcohol TASTING.’”

  23. It had to be said

    The headline confused me. I assumed “Failed Alcohol Test” meant they DIDN’T find vodka in her system.

  24. Rancid

    So Lauer flew clear across the country to talk to this slunt, and then gets turned away?

    UNK!!

  25. Richard McBeef

    I get the feeling that a significant portion of Matt Lauer’s day is spent looking in the mirror with a gun his mouth. The rest of the time he is cruising the strip with Eddie Murphy.

  26. Turd Ferguson

    Same old worthless, self entitled bitch.

    She wont ever change, ever. Why should she? In her mind she is Merryl Streep meets Marilyn Monroe combined with a Mensa member. She is delusional, talentless, and if she didnt have a great rack we wouldnt even know her name.

    Lucky for us, there are great racks EVERYWHERE around us.

  27. fish are u allowed to rt the tmz stream, it’s almost showtime and i’m still dark

  28. jake

    Wait, TMZ pays 50 buck for leaking info? Now I know how Michael Lohan funds his cell phone holder budget.

  29. rimikka

    Jail is not strong enough to destroy Lindsay. We need a Basilisk venom-impregnated sword forged by goblins to get this piece of work finished.

  30. Venom

    God this chick is just dumb.

    • Jovy

      What irritates me is the fact that they keep giving her slaps on her wrinkly, freckled wrists. If she were an average person she would be in jail by now sucking some inmates dildo.

  31. fsgdfgff

    We all know Lindsay leaked the story herself for a quick 100K, that’s how she makes money

    • Jovy

      And that’s ANOTHER thing that drives me up the fucking wall. Why the hell are people paying for pictures of celebrities and their shit stories in the first place? If I were famous I could probably take a picture of myself taking a piss standing up and I’d get money for it, while there are people out there in this country who are struggling to find a job and keep a roof over their head.

  32. Spammer

    I paid $32.67 for a blow job from your Mom got a good rimming for $94.83 from you sister and your girlfriend is being delivered to our house tomorrow by FedEX. Die.

  33. Elf

    Saying “I’m Lindsay Lohans” publicist must be like saying “Hi, I’m Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman’s hairdresser!”

  34. Jen

    I hope you like the taste of prison food, and vagina……oh wait, you do.

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