Lindsay Lohan Almost Had Acid Thrown In Her Face, You Guys

Because we’re supposed to believe Lindsay Lohan wasn’t trained from birth to deflect anything from splashing her face unless it’s paid for up front, now she’s claiming that her ex-fiance was going to throw acid on her. That’s why she ended the relationship and not, you know, because she was trying to blow her way into a wealthy Russian family who would do anything to stop her, even possibly destroying the world economy by installing a shat out bag of circus peanuts wearing a wig in the Oval Office. So now Lindsay’s lying her face off to whoever’s dumb enough to listen, and this time, it’s Channel One, the Russian network who just a few weeks ago shit all over her insane requests to even do the interview in the first place. Via E! News:

The 30-year-old actress sat down with Russian television’s Channel One and explained that she ended her engagement after her relationship took a violent, toxic turn. “I went to bed and he broke into my house. He started strangling me,” she explained. “I feared that Egor may splash acid in my face. I jumped out to the balcony and shouted with all my force, ‘He’s trying to kill me, call the police!’ I am lucky to come to Moscow to speak.”

“I am lucky to come to Moscow to speak.” You can almost see Putin’s penis making her mouth move when she says that. And here’s the part where I would usually make up some fake dialogue in Tarabasov’s broken English, except he released a polished statement that not only sounds more intelligent than anything I’ll ever write, but takes the high road against a family that started in the balls of a vagina kicker:

“It has come to my attention that my former fiancée, Lindsay Lohan, is planning a new smear campaign against me in the Russian and international media,” he told E! News. “My relationship with Lindsay came to an end in July 2016. In the weeks that followed, there were numerous attempts to discredit my name by inaccurately portraying the nature of our relationship, publishing distorted facts, and making false accusations.” He continued, “I decided not to address those harmful and false statements at that time. As an international businessman, I aim to maintain a low profile and concentrate on developing my business. I also chose to keep my silence out of respect for Lindsay.” However, he changed his mind upon hearing about the new interview. “Today, I would like to state that all accusations made, and about to be made, by Lindsay against me are not true,” he said. “I refuse to be dragged into the media storm created in the aftermath of our breakup. I will not be making any more statements with regards to my former relationship with Lindsay, but I will use all possible legal means to protect my name and reputation.”

So yeah, that’s ruined my fantasy that this guy is the Yakov Smirnoff of getting herpes from washed up Disney stars, and I’d like to apologize to his family for any previous disrespect. I feel like I’m supposed to send them some blue jeans, or maybe a litter of wolf cubs that they can trade for eggs or something. I’m making this worse aren’t I? Yep, I’m gonna go now.

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