So That Lindsay Lohan Accident

June 10th, 2012 // 44 Comments
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For those of you who don’t spend your weekends in front of the Internet, belt of scotch in one hand, loaded gun in the other, wondering what the goddamn point is to anything anymore as a world filled with young, beautiful people passes you by like you’re nothing but a stone gathering moss; old, impotent moss I’ve said too much Lindsay Lohan was in a car accident on Friday that within the past 72 hours has progressed from a shady trip to the hospital turned publicity grab to a tale filled with bribery, drugs and eventually giving up and just blaming it on her brakes. So here’s a handy timeline to bring you up to speed with all the cool kids at the water cooler who, God willing, are only talking about Mad Men and will look at you like you have dicks for ears if you even mention a word of this. (This is why you don’t get invited to office parties.)

1. Lindsay Lohan is breathlessly reported to be in the hospital after an accident. Details are thin, but supposedly she rear-ended a tractor-trailer, demolishing her Porsche yet somehow made it to the ER without taking any of the ambulances at the scene, so right off the bat the whole thing smells like fishy fire-crotch.

2. Lindsay blames the tractor-trailer for cutting her off which immediately rules that out as being the cause of the accident.

3. Amazingly, within hours, Lindsay is out of the hospital (above) after what seems like 15 minutes and is already back on the set of Liz & Dick hiding her serious, serious injuries because she’s so changed now and a dedicated actress. You can literally smell the gin on Dina’s breath as you read such a harrowing tale of bravery and self-sacrifice.

3. Surprise! Here comes the truck driver with a sordid tale of Lindsay rear-ending him while driving like a maniac and then having her people try to pay him off so she can flee with the scene with a mysterious pink bag that her assistant made sure to pull out of the destroyed Porsche and specifically tell the truck driver not to mention to the police. And if you’re wondering if Lindsay is actually stupid enough to just abandon a Porsche on the PCH and think no one will tie it back to her, yes. Absolutely. Plus, it’s a rental, so it’s amazing she didn’t just light it on fire.

4. Lindsay calls the truck driver a liar completely validating his story, so now we know that’s exactly what happened.

5. Just kidding, everyone, the new story is her brakes failed which the rental place allegedly replaced two days earlier, but more importantly, their name isn’t Lindsay Lohan, so all that stuff she just came up with. That stuff happened.

As much fun as this was, and granted, the truck driver is more than likely telling the truth because he isn’t the byproduct of Michael Lohan shoving his vagina-kicking penis into a sloppy drunk Dina Lohan, I’m going to go ahead and take a shot in the dark anyway at what I think happened. Stop me if I’m getting warm:

LINDSAY: Hey, does that truck say “Coke” on it?
ASSISTANT: Yes. I mean, wait fuck no.

*CRAAAAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH*

Photos: Pacific Coast News

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  1. Look at the bright side. This is a dry run for when she really does kill herself.

    • Archie Leach

      But still…. it’s kinda fucked up that a few dozen people have to die cause dina has some very graphic gay and lesbian porno photographs of the members of Los Angeles District Attorney’s office and the top law enforcement members of Los Angeles police department…..

  2. It’s funny that you mention Mad Men in the article because I couldn’t help noticing that you posted this during the season finale. Why weren’t you watching??

    Spoiler Alert: Lane hung himself last week.

  3. Oh God, no!!! I hope it didn’t mess up her face!!!

    • Ha ha… à la Sideshow Luke Perry…

      “My face! My beautiful face!”

      Except, her face isn’t beautiful anymore. It looks like she was the one shot out of a cannon and through the Museum of Sandpaper.

  4. Matt

    I like how she rolls up the sleeve of sweater so the paparazzi can get a good shot of the hospital band around her wrist. She also conveniently keeps her arm held up so the hospital band can be in every shot.

  5. al

    2 number 3′s like a baws

  6. Mama Pinkus

    If this was a black city gal she would be in prison and her license revoked

  7. I was touched by her reverence as she saluted the “Loading Zone” sign as if to say, “I’ll be back to get loaded with you later.”

  8. YTBOY

    MAN!!! She is so sexy and hot!! — I can’t wait until this movie come out. I know it will be good!!!

  9. Lindsay Lohan Accident Hospital
    YTBOY
    Commented on this photo:

    GREAT LEGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. Archie Leach

    Are we going to believe the words of a fine upstanding individual such as Ms. Cokehan – who I should not need to point out is the product of two of the finest parents ever known to humanity – or the lies of an awful negro????

  11. Oz Matters

    Strange, but when I was in prison, I also use to walk funny after being rear-ended by truck drivers.

  12. Cock Dr

    No one died…this time.
    Too bad about the car.

  13. Lindsay Lohan Accident Hospital
    Grand Poobah
    Commented on this photo:

    Blowhan is an accident…. nuff said!

  14. cc

    Maybe she’s a method actor and her next role was Jayne Mansfield.

  15. kimmykimkim

    What a little tease.

    • cc

      Party time is over for her. Under the tough new ’12 strikes and your out’ law, she’s facing a thirty day suspension.

      • Techman

        Lindsay falls under the new “complete game” rule. Three strikes still apply but there are 3 outs per inning and nine innings per complete game. That gives her 27 strikes total. Interesting that number 27 isn’t it?

  16. cc

    So, doctor, I was driving along at 5mph under the limit, and this dump truck cut me off. It was carrying a white powder, which immediately shot up my nose with the force of the collision. I was worried they were anthrax spores, so I immediately left the scene of the accident and came straight here. By the way, looking at my bag will remind me of this tragic event for the rest of my life, so can you please throw it in your incinerator. Thanks, you are a dear. (Unzips doctors pants.)

  17. mike

    Amazing how she survives, though someone has mentioned, only direct sunlight will only kill a ginger.

  18. KFisher

    I can’t wait to hear the 911 tape — it’ll prove EVERYTHING!! :D

  19. JC

    C’mon, everybody knows that in a competition of stopping distance, a tractor trailer beats a Porsche every time. Especially when the driver’s reaction time is something along the order of 30 seconds or more.

  20. the biggest question is: why would you ever let a woman drive a Porsche in the first place? Look what that silly clam did to that beautiful car…I wanna cry…

    • EricLr

      I want to know why Lifetime’s insurance company didn’t call them up when they found out they were making a movie with her and tell them Oh, *HELL* NO!

  21. EricLr

    I’ve already said that she WILL crash into a busload of nuns before the end of this shoot. This was just practice before she heads out to the convent in a monster truck, pumped up on enough drugs to kill Hunter Thompson’s corpse.

    • USDA Prime McBeef

      HST was cremated and shot out of cannon, there is no corpse. Still, I enjoy the idea you are throwing out there.

  22. USDA Prime McBeef

    I bet the nipples on those saggy things broke the sound barrier during the whiplash sequence.

  23. Juano

    You’d think the girl would reallly want a year or so with no news like this. Guess her handlers either are incompetent or unable to control her. You might put it down to bad luck, but at some point, you make your own luck.

  24. JC

    “Well the movie star, well she crashed her car
    And everyone said she was beautiful even without her head.”

    “Movie Star” by Cracker

  25. Jack Ketch

    She is smirking in all of these shots with her hospital bracelet on. Yep, flash that for the cameras. I’d love to wipe that smirk off her face – with a baseball bat. She’s nothing but an overly-entitled snot wallet.

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