For those of you who don’t spend your weekends in front of the Internet,
belt of scotch in one hand, loaded gun in the other, wondering what the goddamn point is to anything anymore as a world filled with young, beautiful people passes you by like you’re nothing but a stone gathering moss; old, impotent moss I’ve said too much Lindsay Lohan was in a car accident on Friday that within the past 72 hours has progressed from a shady trip to the hospital turned publicity grab to a tale filled with bribery, drugs and eventually giving up and just blaming it on her brakes. So here’s a handy timeline to bring you up to speed with all the cool kids at the water cooler who, God willing, are only talking about Mad Men and will look at you like you have dicks for ears if you even mention a word of this. (This is why you don’t get invited to office parties.)
1. Lindsay Lohan is breathlessly reported to be in the hospital after an accident. Details are thin, but supposedly she rear-ended a tractor-trailer, demolishing her Porsche yet somehow made it to the ER without taking any of the ambulances at the scene, so right off the bat the whole thing smells like fishy fire-crotch.
2. Lindsay blames the tractor-trailer for cutting her off which immediately rules that out as being the cause of the accident.
3. Amazingly, within hours, Lindsay is out of the hospital (above) after what seems like 15 minutes and is already back on the set of Liz & Dick hiding her serious, serious injuries because she’s so changed now and a dedicated actress. You can literally smell the gin on Dina’s breath as you read such a harrowing tale of bravery and self-sacrifice.
3. Surprise! Here comes the truck driver with a sordid tale of Lindsay rear-ending him while driving like a maniac and then having her people try to pay him off so she can flee with the scene with a mysterious pink bag that her assistant made sure to pull out of the destroyed Porsche and specifically tell the truck driver not to mention to the police. And if you’re wondering if Lindsay is actually stupid enough to just abandon a Porsche on the PCH and think no one will tie it back to her, yes. Absolutely. Plus, it’s a rental, so it’s amazing she didn’t just light it on fire.
4. Lindsay calls the truck driver a liar completely validating his story, so now we know that’s exactly what happened.
5. Just kidding, everyone, the new story is her brakes failed which the rental place allegedly replaced two days earlier, but more importantly, their name isn’t Lindsay Lohan, so all that stuff she just came up with. That stuff happened.
As much fun as this was, and granted, the truck driver is more than likely telling the truth because he isn’t the byproduct of Michael Lohan shoving his vagina-kicking penis into a sloppy drunk Dina Lohan, I’m going to go ahead and take a shot in the dark anyway at what I think happened. Stop me if I’m getting warm:
LINDSAY: Hey, does that truck say “Coke” on it?
ASSISTANT: Yes. I mean, wait fuck no.
Photos: Pacific Coast News