When we last left Lindsay Lohan, she was selling InTouch a handwritten list of celebrities she banged because she’ll do anything for money except be a reliable actress who isn’t a goddamn nightmare to work with. Which is exactly what happened on the set of 2 Broke Girls even though we’re all supposed to believe Oprah cured her with her Oprah magic. Via Crazy Days and Nights:
Red hair. Lips so plumped out she couldn’t really get them open because of her botox which also caused her to have trouble pronouncing certain words. Of course she won’t be able to pronounce anything if she keeps smoking because her voice is rapidly disappearing into some type of screaming smoking raspy hell hole. You know when you go to some type of event that requires a lot of yelling or screaming and you can barely speak. Combine that with a three pack a day habit and botox and see how well you do. There was a scene later on in the show that required Lindsay to say the words Hawaii and Bahamas in succession. She couldn’t move her botoxed muscles enough to get that combination down without pausing between each. It sounded like someone who had injected with Novocaine an hour earlier.
Enough of that though, let me take this slow and steady. I want the writers to know that your words were very good for the script of this episode. I also want you to know that myself and all of the other 199 members of the audience are very familiar with every single one of Lindsay Lohan’s lines and can repeat them all verbatim to you because we heard them so many times last night. There is not a member of the audience who couldn’t do a better job than Lindsay Lohan did last night.
I am not going to give any spoilers or anything like that, but let me take you through Lindsay’s first scene. Max and Caroline are selling their cupcakes and a guy walks up and wants to buy a cupcake for his girlfriend. His line of “My girlfriend wants a cupcake and she gets anything she wants,” brings in Lindsay who then says, “I want a house in the Hamptons but I will settle for a cupcake.” Yes, I know that line and the other lines. I heard them and heard them and heard them. This first initial half of a full scene had about five lines from Lindsay. It took about 45 minutes to shoot because she never could get through without screwing up. She would get one line and screw up another. There was some combination that she always managed to find that she had not done previously.
While they moved the cameras for the second part of the scene, Roger, bless his heart decided to announce Lindsay’s presence to the audience and goaded almost everyone out of their seats to give her a standing ovation. Yeah. Miss Liz and Dick herself. At this point I think everyone was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Sure, they had four days to practice and rehearse, but it was five lines. Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs had twice the lines and had to worry about timing and still made the audience laugh every single time through. Despite having to repeat the first part of the scene well over a dozen times they didn’t slip once. When you go to a taping and see those compared to Lindsay you realize that Lindsay is never going to win an Academy Award and she is lucky to even be working as an actress.
Apparently, the show is finished taping around 9 pm. They weren’t done until 11:15, and that’s even with a chunk of Lindsay’s few minutes of screentime pre-taped days. Which should surprise no one because she has a documented history of fucking production right up the ass. What should surprise you is that I wasted my time and yours writing these words instead of jumping straight to Kat Dennings‘ giant breasts which probably means I have a tumor. Haha! It smells like almonds.