So The LAPD Found Shelly Miscavige

August 9th, 2013 // 51 Comments
Leah Remini Shelly Miscavige
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Yesterday, word got out that shortly after she quit the Church of Scientology, Leah Remini had filed a missing persons report on Shelly Miscavige the wife of church leader David Miscavige who no one has seen in over seven years. Even shadier, is church members aren’t even allowed to ask where she is – which Leah did – or they’re subjected to intense re-education which she endured for years before finally realizing that L. Ron Hubbard being a intergalactic race car driver is fucking ridiculous. Except conveniently within hours of word spreading about the report, the church produced someone to the LAPD which they believed was Shelly Miscavige and called it a day. And so, like a pious religious organization, the church has taken the high ground on win that’s so dodgy, the less it’s spoken about the better, but not really they’re going full press calling Leah Remini and her supporters unemployed poopyheads. TMZ reports:

A Church rep claims Leah cooked up the allegation “with unemployed, anti-religious zealots.”
Leah — who broke ties with Scientology last month — was alarmed that Shelly Miscavige hasn’t been seen publicly in 6 years. The LAPD closed out its investigation last night, and as TMZ first reported, cops say they had a face to face with Shelly. They did not indicate if they probed as to whether Shelly was being held against her will.
The Church rep calls Leah’s actions “an inexcusable distraction for the LAPD.”
And the Church took this shot: “Sadly, rather than move on with her life and career, Ms. Remini has aligned herself with a handful of untrustworthy, lunatic tabloid sources who obsessively harass the Church to advance their selfish agendas.”

Before I make with the cock jokes, let me just say that being a critic of Scientology doesn’t even come close to making someone an “anti-religious zealot.” Because if there’s one thing godless heathens like myself and all the other religions of the world can agree on, it’s that these space jockeys are a nutball pyramid scheme whose money game makes the Mormons look like Girl Scouts. (Although Catholicism, for the record, was mildly impressed.) At any rate, while Leah Remini wasn’t even notified the LAPD closed its case, I was able to obtain the official police report, and honestly, it all checks out:

8/8/13 6:47 PM – Mr. Miscavige allowed us into his domicile. Friendly, cooperative, eager to put this matter to rest. At that point, a bright light filled the room and OHMYGOD IT’S TOM CRUISE. TOM FUCKING CRUISE FROM TOP GUN IS HERE. You have not seen a smile until you’ve seen this man smile. He’s super chill and offering people drinks. High-fives you at the drop of the dime. AND OH SHIT IS THAT “THE FINAL COUNTDOWN” PLAYING? And now he’s blowing us! TOM CRUISE IS BLOWING US. Let me say myself and the two officers are straight as can be family men and this is the greatest blowjob OF OUR LIVES! At one point, Tom Cruise took the form of a shining centaur and explained to us how the universe fuels his entire being like Earth’s yellow sun to Superman. Mind you this is all with Wiznaldi’s cock in his mouth. AND OH SNAP JOHN TRAVOLTA?! Nobody really wants him to blow them because he looks like a vampire with a rug, but still VINCENT FUCKING VEGA. Best night ever. So, look, we didn’t really see the woman, but we’ve scraped babies off the 101 for Lindsay Lohan for less. Amirite? I’m right. Case closed.

Photo: Via Tony Ortega

superficial

  1. That police report was just awesome. It should at least be considered for TMIPOTI.

  2. Cock Dr

    “Mind you this is all with Wiznaldi’s cock in his mouth”
    Funny stuff.
    Glad the woman isn’t dead….just locked up for the rest of her mortal days.

    • Killing her is sloppy, brainwashing her to total vegetativeness is cleaner. I’m sure she was mostly there already. Bitch has been scrubbing decks on $ea Org’s Intergalactic Battlecruisers since she was 12.

  3. Even though this has absolutely nothing to do with me and I have no emotional connection to anyone involved, this whole thing makes me feel incredibly creeped out.

    • Cher X

      You and me both, sista.

    • Congratulations. You’re human.

    • mandy

      That’s because they’re an incredibility creepy group.
      Other than cults, what other group will:
      - kidnap members who are in need of medical help
      - send it’s members to work-camps and starve them
      - infiltrate governments to further their own agenda
      - attempt to set it’s critics up to be killed
      - are willing to act as fronts for paedophile rings (no Catholic jokes please)
      - follow and harass ex-members
      - are on government watch lists

      Unless you’re a sociopath you should be creeped out.

    • Hey, did anybody ever see Jesus’ wife? We’ve got some more investigatin’ to do!!!

  4. oh i know

    vincent fucking vega– LMAO!!!!

  5. Jeebus H. Christ

    “…we’ve scraped babies off the 101 for Lindsay Lohan for less.”
    Yer killin’ me!

  6. JC

    I can’t imagine what the Scientologists could have given to the police (underage sex slsaves from the Scientology Prison boats), the police commissioner (money), or the district attorney (drugs, money, and underage chicks) to make this investigation go away.

  7. All this bad publicity the past few weeks can’t be good for Co$. I’m gonna go through my investment portfolio and dump all my Co$ shares before the stock price tumbles.

  8. “an inexcusable distraction for the LAPD.”

    Yeah, how dare they spend their precious time and money making sure people aren’t being killed, tortured, or held captive by large organisations! They should be off chasing kids with joints and old ladies with mild Vicodin problems!

    • Dina Lohan

      “…old ladies wtih mild Vicodin problems!”

      Don’t talk about me like that! I’m often told that I look like Lindsay’s sister, and she only looks 50! That’s not considered old anymore!

      And none of my problems are “mild,” buster.

  9. I got $5 that says the woman police met with was just Tom Cruise in his pretend clothes.

  10. JungleRed

    All religions are retarded. But Scientology has a long way to go before it can come close to the fuckery of any of major world religions. Scientologists prey on rich, gullible, emotionally needy types. Christianity, Islam, and Judaisim? They’ll work the last penny out of wretched peasants who can’t feed themselves and then sell their organs.

    • This is not incorrect.

      • It’s not wholly correct either. As a wretched peasant, I can at least be saved and promised the kingdom the heaven to placate my simple mind for pretty much free even if filling the collection plate is strongly suggested.

        Freeing myself from thetans and becoming “clear” is estimated to be north of $100K.

    • $cientology DOES prey on the wretched peasants. You just see the celebrities because the Co$ works the celebrity angle to make itself look glamorous. But the backbone of the *church” — where most of its money comes from — is comprised of ordinary schmoes who give up their entire life savings just to progress in the “teachings,” and end up working for the “church” itself to pay off their debts to it.

      Celebrity $cientologists are treated differently from regular members. The Co$ isn’t so much after their money as they are their prestige. Regular members, on the other hand, get milked dry and then indentured.

      • milked dry then Indentured for one billion years, per the contract.

      • No, celebrity scientologists are not treated differently from other members. The same day, the story came out that Karen Black died from cancer that she did not seek real medical treatment for until too late (a common cause of death among Scientologists). Her husband had to resort to publicly begging for funds because all of her earnings from her Hollywood career had been sucked out by the “church”.

    • Rhett

      I can’t speak for Christianity or Judaism, but Islam requires that 2.5% of one’s net worth is annually given to feed the poor. It’s called zakat and is one of the five pillars of Islam. People below the poverty line are exempt from paying the zakat and are its recipients. Also, Prophet Muhammad forbade that any zakat money go to his descendants so that his family wouldn’t be able to profit off the system. Just FYI.

      • Then maybe you’d like to explain why, in countries like Pakistan, Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia and Brunei, which have islamized governments so that zakat is automatically collected, the committees to collect and distribute it are corrupt as shit? The Punjabi government has outright admitted that massive embezzlement has gone on for years, and it’s one of the reasons why the gap between the poor and the rich has increased, rather than decreased.

        Just FYI. You need to understand that whatever the claims of divine inspiration, paternity, alien mission, or whatever the fuck the claim the religion makes, it’s still human agencies that create those religions, and it’s still those same human agencies that administer their tenets and collect the indulgences, tithes, temple pew payments, zagat and whatever feeds the mare.

      • You can’t find Sbarro’s in the Zagat. )

      • Wisearse. Yeah, Freudian typo slip there, I missed lunch.

  11. Frank Burns

    Leah cooked up the allegation “with unemployed, anti-religious zealots” – hey, watch it, Scientology! You’ve just described 99%* of Superficial readers. If our motto wasn’t “b00bies!!” it would be “we hate work and Jesus”.

    * I’m the other 1%, because I’m better than you. But please, no “Occupy Frank Burns” protests in my yard, I just had the lawn sprayed.

  12. doubt they found the real shelly miscavige.
    they probably found life replicant pod-shellymiscavige #3t4xb-28v.02.

  13. “anti-religious zealots”

    I think I just found my new faith.

  14. I am at a complete loss to explain this obvious horseshit pyramid scheme has hooked as many people as it has. They basically worship the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers and are lead by a tyrannical, sociopathic midget who tortures and enslaves people at his whim.

    For the low, low cost of 130k you too can be designated “Clear’ and get rid of the invisible alien overlords that are corrupting your thoughts with their weiners.

    • JC

      Never underestimate the twin powers of fear and guilt: Imagine you’re an ultra-rich celebrity that still has some teeny-tiny piece of conscious left. You know, deep down, that you contribute nothing of value to the world, and you COULD give away most of your money and work tirelessly for the poor, like the major religions give lip service to, but hell no, you’re not going to give up your gold-plated Lamborghini and hang out with dirty people. In that case, what could be more tempting than a religion whose only adherents are other super-rich people, and that says everything will be O.K. as long as you give up some of your money to them and take classes to learn how to cleanse yourself of some kind of imaginary evil aliens.

      • That’s not it at all – what you’re describing is trust-fund babies who are born with a sense of exclusivity and specialness, not actors/celebrities. They’ve already achieved that elevated plane the instant they pop out of the womb, they don’t need to seek out a pseudo-Hamptons-like religion and jockey with a bunch of proles – up a ladder, no less – to reinforce it, even if there are yachts involved.

        As someone who works with them on a daily basis, allow me to tell you that actors and artists are the most insecure, unstable people on the face of the earth – the fact that they fear they don’t have value is what drives them to need constant validation and positive reinforcement. What Scientology, with their “you have to pay $x amount to progress to the next level” serves to do is validate their existence through their wallets: i.e. if they weren’t so perfectly wonderful and artistic and creative and unique and gifted and special, they wouldn’t have all that money to find enlightenment and be worthy of the next level of exclusivity/achievement that lesser, more untalented, beings will never be able to attain [read: afford]. Plus, a clear meter reading proves you are special and worthy, and will allow you give a Thetan-free performance in the next film like no one’s ever seen before, or ever will again. That’s the immortality they crave – not giving their cash away to the poor to ease a guilty conscience, which is what I think you meant.

      • I have always gotten the impression that a lot of it has to do with the individual’s insecurity and low self-esteem. I would say that is particularly the case with Cruise, who seems to have no concept of how people actual feel or behave and seems to be playing out his perception of what people want him to be.

        I have absolutely no idea about the actual sexual orientation of Cruise or Travolta, but I could see where the kind of shame, guilt and fear that men of their generation sometimes feel about their homosexuality could be exploited by a “religion” whose primary purpose is profit, and who could use technology to cure them of their urges.

        I think most of the D-List hangers on are just there for the, whatever, trendiness of it and for the networking. Cruise is the linchpin of the whole industry now and they know that. I’ve read that he is revered as some kind of deity. If you were a naive person with feelings of self-loathing and low self esteem I have to imagine that a cult that told you that you were essentially the fucking ubermensch would have to be pretty appealing.

  15. That was brilliant, Fish.

  16. StevenX

    Cool info is cool info…but if you’re really gonna do a blog, learn to write in English. This looked like the work of a third grader

    • And then after he learns English, you can teach him how to write in Massive Cunt.

    • I see they’re finally allowing Internet access at the Celebrity Centre.

      ** THIS COMPUTER IS NOW INFECTED WITH AN UNACCEPTABLE NUMBER OF THETANS. PLEASE REPORT TO THE NEAREST LIGHT BRIDGE FOR AUDITING. **

      (Took care of that.)

  17. Actually, now that I’ve seen the picture, this all makes a lot of sense. She wasn’t missing for 6 years, she just went back to using her given name of Sheldon.

  18. anonymous

    Leah was on a good roll until this FUBAR. Now it’s Scientology that’s making her look stupid.

  19. English Teacher Anni

    This police report is one bright spot in an otherwise dreary Internet. Forwarding to everyone I know!

  20. Jenn

    So, apparently they took Shelley’s clone out of the goo early to mollify the police and make Leah look bad. She better watch out, I’m sure they’re making a FauxLeah out of her old loofah right now.

  21. No missing person. No fucking story. I think Scientology is all screwed up but even I will concede there’s nothing here but a story about an ex-member who filed a report on a missing person who isn’t missing. The rest of your article is as much bullshit as the so called religion.

  22. whatever

    It is a lie, nobody met her. They are so brainwashed to believe case is closed. The scam org allowed one superior police visit them, one of their own brainwashed members, from the police force, and under threat of years of interrogation ahd high fines he was informed he did not rank high enough to ask about her whereabouts, and then the scam org told him where she is, possible showed an old video of her waving ”here i am”, and the high ranking police was escorted out and told to close the case. Case closed. This is the only thing that happened.

  23. XenoLives

    If they didn’t take a picture, it didn’t happen.

  24. Jason Jehosephat

    That police report–so fucking wrong!!! ROFL.

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