So The LAPD Found Shelly Miscavige

Yesterday, word got out that shortly after she quit the Church of Scientology, Leah Remini had filed a missing persons report on Shelly Miscavige the wife of church leader David Miscavige who no one has seen in over seven years. Even shadier, is church members aren’t even allowed to ask where she is – which Leah did – or they’re subjected to intense re-education which she endured for years before finally realizing that L. Ron Hubbard being a intergalactic race car driver is fucking ridiculous. Except conveniently within hours of word spreading about the report, the church produced someone to the LAPD which they believed was Shelly Miscavige and called it a day. And so, like a pious religious organization, the church has taken the high ground on a win that’s so dodgy, the less it’s spoken about the better, except not really they’re going full press and calling Leah Remini and her supporters unemployed poopyheads. TMZ reports:

A Church rep claims Leah cooked up the allegation “with unemployed, anti-religious zealots.”
Leah — who broke ties with Scientology last month — was alarmed that Shelly Miscavige hasn’t been seen publicly in 6 years. The LAPD closed out its investigation last night, and as TMZ first reported, cops say they had a face to face with Shelly. They did not indicate if they probed as to whether Shelly was being held against her will.
The Church rep calls Leah’s actions “an inexcusable distraction for the LAPD.”
And the Church took this shot: “Sadly, rather than move on with her life and career, Ms. Remini has aligned herself with a handful of untrustworthy, lunatic tabloid sources who obsessively harass the Church to advance their selfish agendas.”

Before I make with the cock jokes, let me just say that being a critic of Scientology doesn’t even come close to making someone an “anti-religious zealot.” Because if there’s one thing godless heathens like myself and all the other religions of the world can agree on, it’s that these space jockeys are a nutball pyramid scheme whose money game makes the Mormons look like Girl Scouts. (Although Catholicism, for the record, was mildly impressed.) At any rate, while Leah Remini wasn’t even notified the LAPD closed its case, I was able to obtain the official police report, and honestly, it all checks out:

8/8/13 6:47 PM – Mr. Miscavige allowed us into his domicile. Friendly, cooperative, eager to put this matter to rest. At that point, a bright light filled the room and OHMYGOD IT’S TOM CRUISE. TOM FUCKING CRUISE FROM TOP GUN IS HERE. You have not seen a smile until you’ve seen this man smile. He’s super chill and offering people drinks. High-fives you at the drop of the dime. AND OH SHIT IS THAT “THE FINAL COUNTDOWN” PLAYING? And now he’s blowing us! TOM CRUISE IS BLOWING US. Let me say myself and the two officers are straight as can be family men and this is the greatest blowjob OF OUR LIVES! At one point, Tom Cruise took the form of a shining centaur and explained to us how the universe fuels his entire being like Earth’s yellow sun to Superman. Mind you this is all with Wiznaldi’s cock in his mouth. AND OH SNAP JOHN TRAVOLTA?! Nobody really wants him to blow him because he looks like a vampire with a rug, but still VINCENT FUCKING VEGA. Best night ever. So, look, we didn’t really see the woman, but we’ve scraped babies off the 101 for Lindsay Lohan for less. Amirite? I’m right. Case closed.

Photo: Via Tony Ortega