Lauren Conrad writing teen fiction novels because kids today just aren’t vapid enough

September 12th, 2008 // 49 Comments

Lauren Conrad, star of The Hills and the only person alive with the personality of oatmeal, has inked a three book deal with Harper Collins. Lauren will write a series of teen fiction novels called “L.A. Candy” which will mirror elements of her own life, according to the AP:

“I’ve always loved books that I could lose myself in, ones that would transport me to another place, but had characters I could relate to,” Conrad said. “I’m so excited to have this opportunity to write books like that for other readers.”

Oh, boy, I’ve always wanted to read the literary equivalent of a coma! Thanks, Lauren Conrad!

Photos: Splash News

  1. thumper

    Will it have a think-and-do page in it?

  2. jj

    first!….big effin deal

  3. I would like to see more of her breasts.

  4. Flip

    I’ve talked to this girl and Audrina at Beauty Bar in LA in the hopes of getting some… I literally wanted to put a shotgun to my mouth a pull the trigger with my toe; I ended up walking away so I could keep my integrity. I could not imagine reading a book written by this vortex of dumb.

    An excerpt:

    “So I went to the spa today and I could not believe my life! I had to wait 10 minutes for the tanning booth to open not to mention that my mud bath was too liquidy. I had no choice but to sedate myself with a bottle of Dom Perignon so I could endure and rise above my circumstances. On the way back to Laguna I realized that if I can make it through a day in my life, Africa should be able to pull itself together”

    Can we please just stop with these duumbass kids and focus on the real issues? Like how does Angelina manage to walk in sunlight and/or whether her twins are truly “A New Hope” (Episode 3)?

  5. Racer X


  6. ph7

    I ‘d prefer to read the autobiography of her vagina. I love a good tragic comedy.

  7. Max Planck

    Fake boobs. Uneven too.

  8. sarah

    where is ur book deal fish? for that matter, where is my book deal? being on ‘reality’ tv now leads to bookdeals? how do u get on real world again???

  9. I like the little orange sppoge target on her chest.

  10. Crows Feet Jones

    She might should reconsider the tanning booth due to the crows feet.

  11. 213forlife!

    This little bitch didn’t even grow up in LA… what the fuck does she know about being a teenager in LA? Fucking Orange suburbanites… I’d like to see her survive ONE day anywhere east of Fairfax (She only goes as far as the Grove) and or south of Melrose. Effing posers.

  12. havoc

    Sign o’ the times……


  13. devilsrain

    This girl/ her show & no. 2 are good examples of the decline of western civilization.

  14. say it ain't so

    This just freakin’ pisses me off. Why??? Does she have ANY discernable talent? A “hit” tv show…for what?! And now THIS?
    I’m probably just pissed because I’ve been trying to write a series of children’s books for a little while now knowing perfectly well I’ll most likely see nothing come of it and here’s this butthole with a book deal.

  15. Wait……she would be who? Oh that’s right, she is that no talent ass clown along side Heidi…

  16. obama the bastard chimp

    LA is a shithole full of Turd World mestizos. Who the hell would want to grow up in that toilet besides the metrosexuals so that they can feel superior to the mestizos and winos on skid row.

  17. Hills hater

    She has some serious crows feet in this picture…She is much too young to have crows feet like that….

  18. Eve

    Hills Hater took my crow’s feet comment. Maybe she’s really 30…

  19. cookiepuss

    good lord , someone needs to get that girl some eyecream

  20. Kelly

    #17, I was JUST going to comment about that! Definitely the first thing I noticed when I looked at that picture. She’s what, 25? that’s sad!

  21. Kelly

    well I imdb’d her and her birthday is Feb. 1st of 86! holy crapola. I am 23 and had always thought she was at least a couple years older than I am. maybe not!

  22. Kelly

    Her smile is really awkward, too. Sometimes I think she’s really pretty…then sometimes I reconsider…and then the dumbness factor weighs in and she loses any appeal towards being a human being at all.

  23. Ted Mosby

    I heard her first story will be called Beef Curtains Very First Christmas.

  24. Io

    holy shit, she has a lot of wrinkles for someone in their early 20s!

  25. wrinkles

    booze, drugs and late night parties will do that to a person

  26. YIKES!

    MAJOR wrinkles! and soooo very much average looking. why………….is…………..she…………….famous??????

  27. Lauren…..come back to the meetings….we told you that if you were to get photgraphed in public…..MOISTURIZE

  28. 123

    #14 Say it ain’t so

    Try an independent publisher or smaller house. The big publishing houses like Harper Collins, Scholastic, Penguin, etc. usually only accept manuscripts from agent-represented writers anyway (when they’re not handing out contracts to celebrities who don’t even appreciate it), but don’t necessarily come out with a higher quality product. There are plenty of independent publishers doing quite well with children’s book projects from unrepresented talent and first-time writers.

    Believe me, this ticks off the fleet of professional writers and illustrators, too, not just the ones still trying to break in. Harper Collins just wants a celebrity to help them make money and doesn’t care about the quality of the product. The ONLY celebrity who writes halfway decent children’s books, in my opinion, is Cheech Marin.

  29. Jenna

    So funny to read all the mean comments from the jealous people. You all keep hating and she just gets more famous and more wealthy. While you are sitting at your computers reading about all the sucessful people, she is busy working and taking advantage of her opportunities. Nothing wrong with that. Her books are going to be a huge success and that will give you more reason to hate her. Go Lauren…… keep doing your thing and ignore the haters.

  30. taxpayer

    #1, you win. That was fucking funny : )

  31. There are even dumber americans than thisone?

  32. pistolita

    her boobs are real, and they are small. her dress is just smashing them.

    though i can’t stand her or her tv show, i actually think she is pretty.

  33. whatever

    Eww, that hag has a lot of wrinkles for someone her age. Sucks to be her.

  34. Flip

    Just so you guys know Jenna # 30 is actually Lauren typing this as she eats Froot Loops from her apartment… go do a line of coke you never-have-been.

    I’m sick of delusional reality “stars” thinking they’re actually part of the Zeitgeist. DING…your 15 are up!, neighbor.

  35. XArchangelX

    Someone should probably tell her that books are made with words. She’ll be a little disappointed, but then she’ll bump a line of coke and be ok.

  36. say it ain't so

    Thanks #29 123!

    That’s good advice. It’s been really frustrating so far…

  37. JT

    I hate her smile. Why does she have so many wrinkles already?

  38. jakebarnes

    100% guarantee that she will not lay one finger on a keyboard for this. This will be entirely ghostwritten.

  39. CaptainMorgan

    She’s got as many wrinkles as Fat Bastard after his weight loss.

  40. John Updike

    She called me up, wanted me to ghost write for her. I scared her off when I told her I use words longer than six letters on a regular basis.

  41. evita

    let her live her life dudes.y do u have to write nasty things.i believe its the insecurity talking.go lauren!

  42. yogi

    Lauren needs to start wearing sunscreen…she’s only 22 and has wrinkles around her eyes!!!

  43. Wayne

    Lauren Conrad looked like she had some type of Breast Augmentation Surgery performed. If you remember back on July 8th at the Coco de Ville, Lauren was very drunk and had to be escorted from the place. She was wearing a very low-cut white blouse – similar to the one she is wearing in this photo. Hear breasts were larger than these and saggy, almost like a 50-year old mother of three.

    You have a link on this site to the following picture:

    In the picture at the top of this article, these show perky and firm boobs, with NO SAG!


  44. notso

    the saggy boobs compared to these are almost the same size. i dont think its implants she probably just got taped up real well. celebs do that a lot when theyre wearing revealing clothes aka they cant wear a bra

  45. charm

    Why in the heck would someone read that, when her entire, boring life is already on MTV?
    Plus, um, people that watch her, don’t read.

    You fail at life Harper Collins.

  46. Jazzy

    Someone needs some Estee Lauder Eye Cream in their LIFE~

  47. shecan'tevenread

    as if anyone who’s actually able to read would be stupid enough to buy it

  48. Photoguy

    photos from Lauren Conrad’s recent fashion show in LA – what do you think?

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