Larry Birkhead’s life is straight out of the Bible

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Larry Birkhead, the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby Dannielynn, “fake-posed” at the grave of Anna Nicole’s dead son Daniel. Mark Speer, a former bodyguard for Larry, gave the NY Daily News an earful on Larry’s saint-like activities:

On “fake-posing” at Daniel’s grave
“One day he said he wanted to go to Daniel’s grave, ostensibly to pay tribute to him on his birthday. But it turned out he had another idea. He said, ‘We’re going to meet two guys from Splash.’ They had arranged to wait in some bushes at the cemetery. They took pictures of Larry pretending to be sad and emotional at the grave site. Only the Splash guys weren’t quite satisfied, so they asked him to do it again, and for me to get out of the picture. We did three takes. That was the first sign to me that Larry was in it for the money.”

On negotiating custody of Dannielynn with Howard K. Stern
“It was a secret meeting, where he got to see Dannielynn. … I heard Howard tell Larry that he’d give him custody of the baby if he [would allow] Stern to remain as executor of the estate. Larry said, ‘I’ll think about it.’ At one point, the baby burped up some fluid on a blanket. Howard said, ‘I bet you’d like to have that for DNA.’?”

On, uh, wow, just keep reading
Even more shocking is a trip Speer says he took with Birkhead on a private jet belonging to a wealthy friend of Smith’s. The friend’s wife “pulled out a stack of photographs,” Speer recalls. “They were pictures of Anna and the baby … in a hospital bed with her son Daniel. Daniel appeared to be dead. [The friend] told me he was dead.”

Excuse me, I need to slather my chest in shoe polish. Someone’s got to get Dannielynn out of there. It’ll take a true hero with brass balls the size of hubcaps. I’m pretty sure I still know how to catch a bullet with my teeth. I doubt it will come to that. My plan is to throw some spare change at Larry and while he’s busy licking a quarter, I’ll grab Danniellyn then jump off the roof onto a dinosaur. We’ll make our way to Mexico. There I’ll hand her off to the first person or cactus I meet. Years later, on my deathbed, Dannielynn will come to me and say “Gracias, Senor Dinosaur-Hunter. You saved my life.” Then I’ll die and Larry Birkhead will take pictures of himself playing Parcheesi with my corpse. Whoa, surprise ending!