Dannielynn’s DNA test was released today and Larry Birkhead is officially the father. Howard K. Stern, who was listed as the father on the birth certificate, says he won’t fight for custody and will do everything in his power to make sure Larry Birkhead gets full custody.
“I hate to be the one who told you this, but: I told you so,” Birkhead, 34, said during a press conference outside the Bahamas courthouse. “I’m the father.”
We’re almost done with this ridiculous saga. All that’s left is the issue of Anna Nicole Smith’s possible fortune and who gets it. Stern was named the trustee for Daniel if Anna died, and no provisions were made for Dannielynn. If Anna ends up getting the $423 million from her late husband, that means whoever ends up being the trustee could get the 3% in trustee fees ($12.6 million). But until then, let’s never bring up these clowns or their soap opera lives ever again. Whenever I talk about them I always feel like I’m describing an episode of Scooby Doo.
UPDATE: This doesn’t deserve its own post so I’m putting it here. This is the chick that’s going to play Anna Nicole Smith in the movie about her life.
allyoops! | April 10, 2007 at 3:45 pm
first?
allyoops! | April 10, 2007 at 3:47 pm
i’ve never been first before..i’m excited but wish it could have been for a cooler story…who didn’t know that larry was her baby’s daddy—no way could howard stern father a normal looking child, it would come out like a tadpole with droopy basset hound eyes…ick
Donkey | April 10, 2007 at 3:48 pm
He looks like he just won the lottery.
Which basically means that he won the right to fight the Marshall estate for Anna’s money. I don’t think he’ll see a penny of that money for a long time, if ever.
ManScript | April 10, 2007 at 3:50 pm
Fifth! I’m fifth!
ManScript | April 10, 2007 at 3:50 pm
Or fourth.
sympathee | April 10, 2007 at 3:51 pm
Thank god part 5 of the 290 part saga is over.
Donkey | April 10, 2007 at 3:51 pm
looks like you’re fourth to me.
Spock's Left Nut | April 10, 2007 at 3:51 pm
What’s Idi Amin doing in the background?
unrational | April 10, 2007 at 3:52 pm
I kinda figured… if Howard was the dad, surely the kid would have the posessed eyeball disorder or something..
Donkey | April 10, 2007 at 3:53 pm
Of course, in 18 years we’ll be talking about how Danielynn looks like a wasted out bulimic skeleton. Hope not though.
DrunkBlogger | April 10, 2007 at 3:54 pm
The douche wins!!! Wait…which ones is the douche?
Donkey | April 10, 2007 at 3:55 pm
Does this mean we can move forward with prosecuting Howard Stern for murdering Anna?
Fifth Stooge | April 10, 2007 at 3:57 pm
Yeah! Let’s all rejoice.
Dory | April 10, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Sucks to be the dude who just lost the kid he thought was his own!
Whammer Jammer | April 10, 2007 at 3:59 pm
#12 Donkey:
Gotta prosecute him for murdering her son first.
He’s gotta be the unhappiest person in the world today, he just saw the payday he’s been after for so long go right out the window.
allyoops! | April 10, 2007 at 4:00 pm
@14 —true
Donkey | April 10, 2007 at 4:01 pm
He killed the goose that layed the golden egg…. literally.
checkyourshorts | April 10, 2007 at 4:04 pm
And I just lost a bet that Prince Ainhalt was the father.
LoneWolf | April 10, 2007 at 4:14 pm
Paris Hiton will go to jail for traffic violations before Dickhe- I mean, Birkhead gets dime one.
If I were Birkhead (and I thank whatever passes for God these days that I’m not) I’d hire a food taster ASAP. He might think twice about ever letting that kid out of his sight, too.
In related news, Pax Jolie-Pitt was heard to say, “Goddam Round-Eye is stealing my heat! Mom, am I too young for rehab?”
Jimbo | April 10, 2007 at 4:15 pm
Hey Donkey he did just hit the lottery. That baby will be worth millions. She in going to get at least $84 million. I would be washing that baby ass with gold wipes and she would have the hottest nannies money could by. None of these south of the border nannies.
HollyJ | April 10, 2007 at 4:17 pm
I’d like to see the real-time Death-Match Sperm War that was going on in Anna Nicole’s fallopian tube that week… Stern, Birkhead, Ainhalt, body guard…
Her vagina was Hooters for sperm.
BaldingSuperhero | April 10, 2007 at 4:20 pm
Finally.
Jimbo | April 10, 2007 at 4:28 pm
Holly J – is that a real place? I think I would like to go there some time
daylin | April 10, 2007 at 4:40 pm
In the pictures, Larry Birkhead is celebrating like he won the Stanley Cup. Dickweed you won a kid!
Anytime a girl I took home from the bar calls me up 6 weeks later saying I might be the father, I find her, punch her in the neck and flee to Canada.
UR RIGHT, I AM A WINNER!
checkyourshorts | April 10, 2007 at 4:45 pm
welcome to the world of raising a methadone baby, brickhead. that’s where zsa-zsa would have been key.
FRIST!!! | April 10, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Thanks for the heads-up, Jimbo!!! Still, I’m always last to the party :(
Fucking dial-up
LilRach | April 10, 2007 at 4:55 pm
God i still feel sorry for that baby but in saying that i’m glad that he was the father rather than that dick head Howard K Stern.
freelief.com | April 10, 2007 at 4:58 pm
Doesn’t matter who the real father is, that child is in for a life of pain.
Imagine her scrapbook.
elf | April 10, 2007 at 5:04 pm
duhhhhhhhhhhh
castanza | April 10, 2007 at 5:21 pm
Wow you guys were slow on this one! So the real question is, what ever will CourtTV talk about now?
No_Angel | April 10, 2007 at 5:23 pm
Birkhead always maintained that he was the father.
I hope he does his best by that child.
BarbadoSlim | April 10, 2007 at 5:31 pm
Oh, GREAT NEWS!!! now, let’s put’em ALL on a space shuttle to Pluto and blow it up Challenger style.
HollyJ | April 10, 2007 at 5:32 pm
If there is a Hootginas, it’ll be in Nevada somewhere. Just a guess on my part.
250million patrons per unload, it’ll be packed. Be prepared for a wait.
Truthseeker013 | April 10, 2007 at 5:36 pm
Pardon me, but you’ve clearly mistaken me for someone who gives a f*ck…
thoughttheater | April 10, 2007 at 5:41 pm
See a satirical tongue-in-cheek visual titled, “Anna Nicole’s Sugar Baby Has A Daddy”…here:
http://www.thoughttheater.com/2007/04/anna_nicoles_trophy_baby.php
fritobandito | April 10, 2007 at 5:49 pm
#8 HaHa! Hilarious! And totally true!! When did Michael Clark Duncan get to the Bahamas?
Ellie | April 10, 2007 at 5:57 pm
@ #24– Priceless. Just priceless.
What happens when the baby winds up dead right before she gets to go home to the real daddy???
I just cant wait for the announcement that Stern’s killed himself and left a note about killing everyone.
BarbadoSlim | April 10, 2007 at 6:09 pm
@37…more likely, the kid will end up dead and Howie will deny knowing how the kid managed to hang itself and how she wrote a perfectly typed and notarized suicide note.
Jedi Kevin | April 10, 2007 at 6:26 pm
Only 18 more years until Dannielynn’s Playboy spread.
1MILFhunter | April 10, 2007 at 6:28 pm
Thank God it wasn’t O.J. Simpson’s!
Carsten5577 | April 10, 2007 at 6:33 pm
I’m happy that the jew shyster isn’t the father. One less mongrel to pollute the world.
RunningWithCarsAndBoysWithScissors | April 10, 2007 at 6:36 pm
i don’t think anna is dead.
she’s probably pulling an elvis
hotguy | April 10, 2007 at 6:54 pm
Finally!!! i can now leave the house and go find some drugged up ole daddy bear to grind me in some back ally…life goes on it seems.
shittylips | April 10, 2007 at 7:10 pm
I just hope Larry can keep that little girl away from “Mommy Dearest”, I think at the first sign of parental stress he’s gonna run straight to her and dump the bub, poison woman.
j | April 10, 2007 at 7:19 pm
All of this is because anna nichole was a whore look at all the pain she caused?
sumnersgal | April 10, 2007 at 7:44 pm
#24 – that’s too f*ckin’ funny!!
#37 – how fitting an end would that be??
I read that Anna’s fatass country bumpkin mama just “wants to be a grandma”. Yeah – a grandma covered in molasses and rolling around in $100 bills!
isitme | April 10, 2007 at 9:29 pm
HONESTLY, EVERYONE! LB seems to be the most decent person amongst all the players, and Stern (scum that he is) didn’t kill anyone! That flotation-device whore killed her son by sharing her life-style with him…and then killed herself accidentally by forgetting which doctors she fucked to get what medicines! AND! The horn-dog never left a cent to her…nobody will ever see this mysterious money…No one is spreading their fat thighs, or showing what “Rosebud” is, except for in re-runs of Citizen Kane (which is NOT the best movie ever made…SORRY!) Did I wish her dead? No, I didn’t have to…she was a pathetic whore, a walking sluttish accident to happen, who fucked anything walking to get what she wanted, killed her son, and left a circus for her daughter to live in. TOO BAD! LIKE MY BAH-DEE? BURP< GAG< GAK!
Your Mom Is Spiffy | April 11, 2007 at 12:27 am
all because anna nicole was a whore. wow.
hopefully the baby won’t follow mommy’s footsteps and die of a drug overdose. or be in playboy. or have people having to take dna tests for her baby after she gets knocked up 234234 times.
sparkyotoole | April 11, 2007 at 12:38 am
good for him, but on a more serious note why does he look like herman munster in the second picture?
Lowlands | April 11, 2007 at 1:46 am
These people are a bunch of hyaenas ofcourse.You never know what their true intentions are.Did i mention my vampire bloodline?