Lance Armstrong’s remaining testicle works

December 24th, 2008 // 38 Comments

Like any rational man if placed in the same predicament, Lance Armstrong figured “Hey, one nut, no condom.” I don’t even know where to start with how much sense that makes. Except it turns out God hates Lance Armstrong because he was left with the virile one causing him to knock up girlfriend Anna Hansen. Whoops. People reports:

“Anna and I are thrilled to confirm that we are expecting in June and our families are ecstatic and grateful,” he says in a statement. “We are very much looking forward to what 2009 brings on many fronts.”
He adds: “We appreciate respecting our privacy, as we are both eager to celebrate the holidays as a family.”

Fortunatetely for Lance, “My girlfriend fell down the stairs while riding a bike” is probably the most believable scenario anyone can tell the cops. In fact, I’m sitting here right now thinking, “Damn, shoulda wore a helmet” and also “I wonder if my parents still have my BMX – and stairs.” Food for thought.

EDIT: Wow, you must think I’m a dick. Totally forgot to say “Congratulations!”

Photos: WENN

  1. Que

    Que mucho information.

  2. I hear the used refer to Tupac Shakur as “1pac” after he had a nut shot off, or “two packs of sugar” while locked up.

    This of course has nothing to do with Lance Armstrong, who can be called anything but nutty.

  3. F-Obama

    About time he figured out what he was made to ride in life. What a jack off. Now he will be 80 when the kid graduates High School, if the kid is as dumb as Lance…

  4. cd

    strange, he left sheryl crow because she wanted kids and he didn’t

  5. this is what you call, getting yo gun off

  6. tired

    I agree …. you ARE a dick

  7. hiiiiiii

    sweet jesus

  8. Randal


    It is so refreshing to know that your functioning testicle can give life, especially at this wonderous time of the year.

    Even though The Superficial writer’s a dick, and ball-less at that, I will extend a heartfelt ‘Congratulations’ to you on behalf of all.

    Best of luck to you, my friend. Ride hard as always!


  9. So

    No, you are a DICK because you post this lame ass crap! Who the fuck cares about Lance’s testicles, except maybe GAY Superficial writers.

    Here, bend over, I got a story for you!

  10. @8

    I know Randal. And you sir are not Randal.

    But you are the same person as #9. Nice life and Happy Holidays!

  11. Randal

    Dearest Fish, I commend you on your sense of honor and honesty. I have lived my life as a virtuous woman throughout my long and tired years. Thank you for the much needed defense and kisses and man chocolates throughout this most tender and precious “Holiday” formerly X-mas foremerly Christmas (as in Jesus Christ – the son of God that used to be worshipped by the citizens of the good ole US of A before it was taken away from us by those who hate us and our religion.) Seems such a pity for there to be so many tasty manly men incapable of defending thier way of life.
    Any hoo, Xs and Os for all of you little darlings and please drink and drug safely.
    I lift my pink panties to you all…

    XO XO XO

  12. Obama the Messiah

    I’m twice the man Lance is…because I still have both my balls. Although I did get a vasectomy last January. Fuck that hurt! Anyone tell you it doesn’t hurt is a freaking liar!

  13. Chris

    Lance = Asshole

  14. lance=more ballz than pete wentz

  15. lorie

    Merry Christmas!
    I’m an open minded girl from US, I’m interested in exotic things, photography, dating and sports…I have my photos on — Tallhub Com —, I love tall guys!
    Do you love traveling and have some experience? Just find me out.

  16. Max Planck

    He’ll give her the hump and dump too.

  17. Monkey's Bone

    Randal – don’t be extending “ANYTHING” on MY behalf …. okay?
    Lance …. Who gives a shit

  18. TJ

    Let me remind all of you what a piece of fucking shit Armstrong is…

    He ditched his wife and 3 kids, yes the wife who nursed him through his cancer, for star pussy. Started fucking Hollywood whores because he was the global star. Then, granted he was the best long distance cyclist, he retired, and missing the adulation and attention, he recently un-retired, because he is a press whore.

    Like I said.

  19. Randal


    hahahaha if I thought that I could get under your skin like that, I would’ve done it sooner!

    Have some more Egg-Nog, FISH! Hiccup, Hiccup

    And, a sincere Thank You for such a fun site!!

    Happy Chanukah!


  20. bobb345

    Congratulations Lance. Good luck in the Tour this year.

  21. britney's weave

    i thought this was planned. i read they used his frozen sperm and this was done in vitro.

  22. Merry Christmas Randal

    Dearest hook nosed Randal, this is America. We celebrate Christmas here. Jesus is the reason for the season and no matter what that Zionist tool Dubya says, there will always be Christmas. Faggot.

    Go celebrate you alternate shit in an alternate country.

  23. The Other Randal


    Happy Chanuka!

    Have a splendid Festivus!

    Hope to see you honoring Kwanzaa!

    Blessed Id al-Adha!

    May you be enlightened on Pancha Ganapati!

    May Bodhi Day bring you peace!

    And, God Bless America!

    I shutter to think of all the American Soldiers who fought to protect our Freedom while ignorant humans like you seek to disrespect them with ignorant comments like that, even on a superficial site like this.

    I quote the great philosopher of our time -

    ‘Because you’re ugly’

  24. Fishing

    Look in the mirror often pal? I know the future of our nation means so little to you, Hell the rigged economic depression which has bankrupt the workers and enriched the robbers and banksters is all meaningless joy to the superficial amoungst us. Hell some of you don’t mind as long as you get your ill gotten gains. Fuck everybody else! To quote Mel Brooks in The History of the World as a Roman senator: “Fuck the poor!”
    Henry Kissinger calls the poor “useless eaters”.

    Hey simpleton, are you aware that the president took away Christmas from us? He said it had only been a holiday for 130 years! What ? The fuck!
    Why do that? Whose interests did he serve? c’mon pussy you know! I know if don’t mean anything to someone like yourself – a funnyman – but most white Christians types it does. You see, here in the states and the Europe from which we come from, that is the religion and holida we choose to celebrate. We have one flag and yet I see foreigners waving their flags here all over the fucking place.

    And so my point is this: Why did we have our Christian holiday taken away and whose interests did it serve?

    Anyway have fun making fun of others for a living! Great country this has become. Maybe one day we will wake up and fuck you parasites over and kick you out!

    I quote on of the other great philosophers:
    “If you don’t love it leave it”
    Merle Haggerd

    “Divide et Impera”
    Roman Senate

  25. Vince Lombardi

    Isn’t his fifteen miles…errr, minutes up yet?

  26. Jupiter Girl

    Wasnt he just dating Kate Hudson?!

  27. Informed

    Response to TJ:

    Let’s be clear on a couple of things:

    1. Yes, Lance and his wife at the time Kik did get a divorce, but let’s remember that they actually live across the street from one another in Austin, so therefore, he still takes care of his kids and he and his ex have a very good relationship (as commented by both of them.) Read the many books about Lance – either by him or others which will confirm both.

    2. His ex-wife wasn’t around when he was diagnosed with cancer, so she didn’t nurse him through his cancer. (Again, read the books.)

    3. Granted he has been out with a bunch of women, but are you seriously telling me that if you were in his shoes and Hollywood startlets were throwing themselves at you, that you would have enough will power to say, “No, I’m a single man – world athlete, I don’t want to hook-up with you.”

    4. He retired from cycling cause he got tired of the crazy French Press, but he has been competing in many other types of races including the New York Marathon, the Chicago Marathon and a bunch of dirt bike races. And Press whore? Let’s remember that the reason he’s probably out of retirement and competes in as many things that he does is, as he said during a recent press conference, “The important thing is to get the message out about stopping cancer,” you know his whole foundation? So he kind of has to be a press whore to get people to I don’t know care about giving money to stop a disease.

    So maybe you should get your facts straight before you sit and slander someone who is doing more for a disease which might bring about your end.


  28. Fucked

    #24 – WHAT??!?! Can I have some of what you’re on? I haven’t gotten twisted like that in a LONGGGGGGGGGG time.

  29. In L.A.

    Wow, he looks OLD!!! Dude better visit the plastic surgeon’s office for that free consultation. Also, I thought Lance should hook-UP with Jennifer Aniston.


    Fish, don’t be a bitch. This aint’ some lameass D grade celeb you can just rag on anytime you want. This man is a real American hero for chrissakes! Show some respect you douche. Say what you want about Montag and Kardashian, this man is quite possibly the greatest athlete our country has ever known.

    Also, cocks.

    Happy Chanukkuh,
    Gary Niger

  31. friendlyfires

    It was bad enough when he lived in Dallas, riding around White Rock Lake like owned the damn thing.

  32. Dear Fucked

    Of course I will share with you it’s CHRISTMAS after all!

    MERRY CHRISTMAS you douche leaking losers!

  33. Chas

    Your statements tell us someone has gay on his mind and it is not Lance. Time to get past the self conflict and accept it.

  34. bogdana

    if i had gone through good ol fashioned chemo/radiation I would have been pretty sure I was sterile too.
    If I was him i’d get a paternity test!

  35. debutante

    I think this guy is a total douchebag. Cancer or no cancer. nut or no nut.

  36. Chad Witherspoon

    This guy is so full of himself. If I hear one more thing about biking for cancer I think I will throw his bike under a steamroller.

  37. I’m twice the man is Lance … I still have both my ball. Although I did get a vasectomy last January. Fuck that hurt! Anyone tell you that it does not hurt to have a freaking liar!

  38. red bottoms
    Commented on this photo:

    Good way of telling, and pleasant paragraph to get data on the topic of my presentation subject, which i am going to present in college. red bottoms

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