Before I leave you staring at Lady GaGa’s vagina until Monday (You’re welcome, by the way.), let’s take a look back at the celebrity moments that defined 2009 and weren’t just naked pictures. Even though those are the real news and I’ll fight to the death anyone who says otherwise.
2009: A Bunch of Shit That Happened
Jessica Simpson Got Ridiculously Huge
The year started with a jiggly sonic boom when Jessica Simpson emerged in Florida looking like she either ate Tony Romo or was impregnated with no less than 29 of his babies. While the latter would’ve been her preferred outcome, nobody was ruling out the first part if enough BBQ sauce was involved. And cheese fries.
Chris Brown Beats the Shit Out of Rihanna
The night before the 2009 Grammys in February, Chris Brown thought’d it be an awesome idea to beat the ever-living fuck out of Rihanna and bite her repeatedly in the head. Only after finding out in December this would kill his album sales did he regret his decision. Kind of.
Britney Spears Allowed to Tour
Despite the fact she’s been declared legally retarded, Britney Spears’ dad managed to talk a judge into letting her parade around the globe in terrifying outfits. Naturally people bought tickets because, at this point, the human race is essentially nothing more than a bunch of meat puppets looking for something shiny to dance in front of– Hey, that Christmas tree has lights!
The Goddamn Gosselins
Sometime around May these people decided they couldn’t pretend to tolerate each other in spite of TLC spoon-feeding them barrels of cash to pimp their eight children on cable television like some sort of reality sweatshop. Their divorce consumed the entire planet until Tiger Woods’ penis miraculously saved us all in November. So let this be a lesson the next time your husband bangs a hooker in Vegas, ladies: He just might save a life.
Perez Hilton Gets a Fist to the Mouth
I know I shouldn’t gloat about a competitor eating a fist for ironically calling someone a “faggot,” but I’m not gonna lie. This was my Christmas card.
Paris Hilton is an Abusive Relationship
This was probably the only moment in my entire life where I felt like everything was right in the world. Always dare to dream, my friends. Always, dare to dream.
Tiger Woods Had Sex with the Entire World
Like a giant pulsating cock penetrating the entire field of journalism – provided he pays its credit card bills – Tiger Woods’ infidelities blessed the media with a cavalcade of whores that I’m amazed didn’t bring JFK back to life just to get in on the action and maybe avenge his death. (But mostly just the whores.)
Brittany Murphy Dies at 32
And in 4-6 weeks it’ll be ruled an overdose.
Well, that about wraps it up, but I want to say something else happened, too. Something about a guy that looks like Peter Pan giving little kids wine… Oh, well, must not’ve been important.
Happy New Year, Everybody!