Before I leave you staring at Lady GaGa’s vagina until Monday (You’re welcome, by the way.), let’s take a look back at the celebrity moments that defined 2009 and weren’t just naked pictures. Even though those are the real news and I’ll fight to the death anyone who says otherwise.
2009: A Bunch of Shit That Happened
Jessica Simpson Got Ridiculously Huge
The year started with a jiggly sonic boom when Jessica Simpson emerged in Florida looking like she either ate Tony Romo or was impregnated with no less than 29 of his babies. While the latter would’ve been her preferred outcome, nobody was ruling out the first part if enough BBQ sauce was involved. And cheese fries.
Chris Brown Beats the Shit Out of Rihanna
The night before the 2009 Grammys in February, Chris Brown thought’d it be an awesome idea to beat the ever-living fuck out of Rihanna and bite her repeatedly in the head. Only after finding out in December this would kill his album sales did he regret his decision. Kind of.
Britney Spears Allowed to Tour
Despite the fact she’s been declared legally retarded, Britney Spears’ dad managed to talk a judge into letting her parade around the globe in terrifying outfits. Naturally people bought tickets because, at this point, the human race is essentially nothing more than a bunch of meat puppets looking for something shiny to dance in front of– Hey, that Christmas tree has lights!
The Goddamn Gosselins
Sometime around May these people decided they couldn’t pretend to tolerate each other in spite of TLC spoon-feeding them barrels of cash to pimp their eight children on cable television like some sort of reality sweatshop. Their divorce consumed the entire planet until Tiger Woods’ penis miraculously saved us all in November. So let this be a lesson the next time your husband bangs a hooker in Vegas, ladies: He just might save a life.
Perez Hilton Gets a Fist to the Mouth
I know I shouldn’t gloat about a competitor eating a fist for ironically calling someone a “faggot,” but I’m not gonna lie. This was my Christmas card.
Paris Hilton is an Abusive Relationship
This was probably the only moment in my entire life where I felt like everything was right in the world. Always dare to dream, my friends. Always, dare to dream.
Tiger Woods Had Sex with the Entire World
Like a giant pulsating cock penetrating the entire field of journalism – provided he pays its credit card bills – Tiger Woods’ infidelities blessed the media with a cavalcade of whores that I’m amazed didn’t bring JFK back to life just to get in on the action and maybe avenge his death. (But mostly just the whores.)
Brittany Murphy Dies at 32
And in 4-6 weeks it’ll be ruled an overdose.
Well, that about wraps it up, but I want to say something else happened, too. Something about a guy that looks like Peter Pan giving little kids wine… Oh, well, must not’ve been important.
Happy New Year, Everybody!
Poppa Smurf | December 31, 2009 at 3:42 pm
ill eat that shit out nom nom nom
Bastard child | December 31, 2009 at 3:47 pm
John Lennonface
pericles | December 31, 2009 at 3:49 pm
third !! from mexico
, | December 31, 2009 at 3:57 pm
hey fuck you MJ was the greatest talent ever alive.& innocent
Phil | December 31, 2009 at 3:58 pm
What penis?
gen | December 31, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Yup, that’s a female. All you retards that jumped on the “OMFG SHE’S A MAN” bandwagon probably feel kind of stupid right now.
meatierthanyurmother | December 31, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Headline should read: Lady GaGa’s Penis Says “Adios, 2009!”
Beautiful but bitter. | December 31, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Haven’t we seen enough of her vagina this year already Fish? Let’s move into the new year on a different note.
Aerialgreen | December 31, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Now Pigez is always accompanied by a bodyguard (pour soul with a bad employment agent) whenever he/she is not riding Lady Caca’s co(ck)tails… triple pun and it stays.
Happy drinking everyone!
MajorIndulgence.com | December 31, 2009 at 4:29 pm
In the 3rd pic I think she’s giving the finger to the paparazzi.
who dat | December 31, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Ewww…girls and panties are soooo yucky!
I like the big buck in the Misfits t-shirt in pic 4. Yummy!
I’d love to have him drill my little bummy until he squirts his man goo in there. Then he can pull it out and wipe it clean on my eager, waiting lips.
Big deal, so what if I’m gay? Deal with it.
Happy New Year!
jaime | December 31, 2009 at 5:24 pm
happy new year!
bernard | December 31, 2009 at 5:34 pm
I think she’s hot!
um | December 31, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Really? MJ didn’t make this list?
InsideHoops | December 31, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Hah. Great page of summaries. I emailed a link to this page to about 80 people
stu | December 31, 2009 at 6:16 pm
*cough*michaeljackson*cough*
Rough's ballz wont drop@midnight | December 31, 2009 at 6:17 pm
I heard its smell like pyrotechnic smoke and gaga juice…not sure if its true…
Has it really been a “happy new year” the last 2 years…stop jinxing the new decade and your mouth shut…
GirlsWearingMyJersey | December 31, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Nice wrap up… but how could you forget about the OxyClean guy?!?!
Cheech | December 31, 2009 at 6:34 pm
and to think our muzzie brothers think showing an ankle is reason to be flogged…
poop | December 31, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Why do people think it’s cool to dress as if we were still living in the 1980′s? I also see a lot of black folks dressing as nerds and looking straight up retarded. What happen to gangsta rap? Everyone is goddamn feminine now.
in the sack | December 31, 2009 at 7:17 pm
i would like to smell that panties.
Rod | December 31, 2009 at 7:50 pm
dont forget about that dead child spoonin chester molester michael jackson.. wasnt that the biggest story of the decade for about 2 months?
PEEN! | December 31, 2009 at 8:29 pm
say what you want but I still think there is or was a penis there…good day
Darth | December 31, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Looking back,it must have been a pretty boring year.
Nero | December 31, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Are there still primitives living in 2009 on this planet?! *Gasp*
Galtacticus | December 31, 2009 at 8:43 pm
I’m talking from the civilized future to these barbarians!
Rhialto | December 31, 2009 at 9:00 pm
That’s pretty straight to business.With soaking panties calling for help.
Tabasco | December 31, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Wonder what those would go for on ebay, soiled and stinky.
Gando | December 31, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Did Lady GaGa got soaked panties from 2009? Obviously 2009 was a great year to her.Others in this post were obviously less fortunate.
m??n....aka krazihottkuntkelli | December 31, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Happy New Yearz
………2…………..
da funniezt..[[mean]]
…..but da……………….
funniezt fukerz in da
……….world…………..
thank U 4 the hate/luv
….luv===hate………….
and thankx a million
….4 ladee gagaz…..
gorgeouz picz??
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
luv all u bitchez??\\
……………………………
CMYK_Josh | December 31, 2009 at 10:27 pm
That bulge is grossing me out.
meatierthanyurmother | December 31, 2009 at 10:56 pm
that bulge is hiding a meat popsicle for the guy next to the hermy
3xTubes.com | December 31, 2009 at 11:06 pm
Lady Gaga, if you need to borrow a penis for the evening, I will let you come over and use mine.
Nude Pics and Videos | January 1, 2010 at 3:58 am
more sexy pictures click my name directly~~~
Me | January 1, 2010 at 6:48 am
I HATE ALL COPS….lol
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE READING THIS!!! (EXCEPT COPS)
peace to you all
Shep | January 1, 2010 at 7:46 am
Maybe if we keep the rumor up she’ll flash some no panties vag to prove us all wrong?? That’d be sweet. Oh and lady gaga has prosthetic boobs…… just throwing that one out there Lady Gaga in case you wanna flash some tits to prove us all wrong too.
Boogeyman King Dong | January 1, 2010 at 10:17 am
@29
With sum franchised help,it was Susan Boyle’s year as well.Where’re da unzipped pants pics?!
Nero | January 1, 2010 at 10:32 am
#37
Panties with a zipper?! Are you talking about Victorian granny panties?!
Darth | January 1, 2010 at 10:42 am
@38
Somebody threw the key away.Several decades ago.
Rhialto | January 1, 2010 at 10:48 am
#37
If she’s able and willingly to show us her soaked panties in this new year,she has our blessing.P.S. to the paps,don’t forget to bring the mops along!
PsyKo | January 1, 2010 at 11:16 am
gaga looks aight, all blurred up like that…
http://www.popduds.com/ | January 1, 2010 at 11:37 am
What has been seen cannot be unseen.
http://www.popduds.com/ | January 1, 2010 at 11:39 am
lame year
His Huge Greatness Himself | January 1, 2010 at 11:48 am
Happy New Year folks! All the best of luck and blessings to all of you! Where’s general Darth!?
yumlo | January 1, 2010 at 11:48 am
Book now-:
$1 flight ticket
$1 Hotel room
$1 Car rental
##Happy New Year 2010##
bimlo | January 1, 2010 at 11:50 am
Book now-:
$1 flight ticket
$1 Hotel room
$1 Car rental
##Happy New Year 2010##
Darth | January 1, 2010 at 11:59 am
#44
Dark Lord of the Seven Seas,Mighty Conqueror of several All you Can Eat Ribs contests! Did you call me?!
His Huge Greatness Himself | January 1, 2010 at 12:11 pm
@47
Yes i sure did general Darth! Happy New Year to you and your men! Just take a look in front of your shed! A couple of cases of beer! I hope you all enjoy it!
Darth | January 1, 2010 at 12:19 pm
*Takes a look outside* *Gasp!* #48 Thank you Your Great Generosity Himself! I’m sure it will taste good with the bacon&beans left from yesterday! *Salutes*
Alli Watermelon | January 1, 2010 at 12:36 pm
LOL @ Michael Jackson not being on this list. Bahahaha #14 is REALLY upset. Look at it squirm!