Lady GaGa Wrote a Bunch of Crazy Words

July 21st, 2011 // 68 Comments

Should I have mentioned she’s also dressed like a leather Nazi cat-prostitute? I just assumed it was implied.

Lady GaGa has admitted to using cocaine to fuel her creativity which is pretty much all you need to know going into this open letter for the latest issue of V Magazine titled, “I DON’T SPEAK GERMAN BUT I CAN IF YOU LIKE.” (On that note, if you’re a theater major, now would be a good time to stop reading and make me my latte. Non-fat!)

Art is a lie. And every day I kill to make it true. It is my destiny to exist halfway between reality and fantasy at all times. They call me “theatrical,” but I posit profusely that I am theatre, and that theatre is me. I am a show with no intermission. It is this thing that summons me from the depths of reality and reminds me that the power of transformation is endless. That I (we) possess something magical and transformative inside —  a uniqueness and specialness waiting to be exiled from the depths of our identity. I have said before that I am a master of escapism, which many attribute to my wigs, performances, and my natural inclination to be grand, but perhaps that is also a lie. Maybe I am not escaping. Maybe I am just being. Being myself.
The arrival at this revelation revises my previous escapist philosophies, as my entire being, thus far, as wholly artist and wholly human, has been propelled by the idea that I must effortlessly vacillate between two worlds: out of the real and into the surreal. Out of the ordinary, into the extraordinary.
“I DON’T SPEAK GERMAN BUT I CAN IF YOU LIKE.”

And my brain just melted. Except not before replaying my entire life and also reminding me that I’ve read GaGa’s speech somewhere before. Almost word-for-word even:

Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee. … They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.
The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I’m done … I’m gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world.
I got magic and I got poetry in my fingertips, most of the time, and this includes naps. I’m an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and I WILL DEPLOY MY ORDINANCE INTO THE GROUND.

Christ. Is there anything she won’t steal? Do something original, junkie!

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. LOOK AT ME!!! I NEED ATTENTION!!! LOOK AT ME!!!!

  2. Deacon Jones

    I used to occassionally hook up with a girl at college that talked like this.

    She was batshit. She’d go to keggers with a glass of wine and a book on quantum psychics. And she would talk like that while you were hooking up.

  3. Pippy Longcockings

    Charlie Peen’s rant is better.

  4. Dr Ha-Ha

    Looks like a certain Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania, is going to getb a knock at the door very shortly.

  5. I puke profusely at all she posits. (I know, I know – who doesn’t.)

  6. cc

    I postulate that if my penis was in her mouth and my hand on the back of her head she’d shut the fuck up.

  7. Ex GaGa Fan

    I really used to like Gaga but she lost me after Bad Romance. All her self-hype and her claims of being the most original thing to ever hit the world just turned me off from this fraud. I hate to jump on the Gaga vs Madonna thing, but it truly makes me miss Madonna, even yearn for her and I wasn’t really a fan to begin with.

  8. JPC

    Before I hit the jump, I too was thinking “So she’s moved from copying Madonna to copying Charlie Sheen”?

    Seriously, how are people like her and Ke$ha popular? No talent, no originality, and not even attractive. You used to need at least one of those things to succeed in the music business.

    • I blame parents telling their 5 month fetus that they’re the most uniquely gifted, creative human being on earth. Delusions of grandeur and narcissism are instilled from the womb.

  9. rough will make you lose control

    But she cant fully be an artist, untill the day she has to appear before a judge in all her creativity. Ohh we will get some theatre.

  10. from her raised arm it looks like some sort of mating call of the cat women.

  11. “I’m a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual Transylvania “

  12. TomFrank

    I thought she stole it from this:

    “It’s jealousy, it’s deceitfulness, it’s vindictiveness. But, God, what can you expect when you’re on top. It’s like Napoleon, when he was the king, people were constantly trying to conquer him in the Roman Empire. It’s history repeating itself all over again. To all the critics out there, I know they’ll be reviewing this. I know they’ll try to knock me. I want them to know—can I say this into the camera?—I only am who I am because I was born that way. I have a gift, and I am trying to not be selfish about it, but to use it. And if you want to knock me for that, it’s your own problem. Jealousy will get you nowhere. I’m going to keep rocking on.”

  13. kimmykimkim

    Fish, whether you hate her or not, I really thought you were smart enough to understand what it is she’s talking about. In fact, I think you DO know what she’s talking about but I know its more fun to make jokes. That IS why I come to this site, actually.

    • BJ

      Kimmy, come on. To be really insightful, a) you got to come up with your own shit, and b) you can’t TRY to be insightful. I’d say this load of bullshit is livejournal meets Charlie Sheen, and even if it has some sort of meaning, my aforementioned description makes that meaning invalid.

      • You know who else vacillates between the real and surreal and feels that their life is an act? Schizophrenics. If I saw this woman talking to herself on the Muni, I wouldn’t sit next to her, either.

  14. HumpinFrog

    MC Hammer and Mike Tyson, both thought they were on top of the world. Look at them now. Hubris is a bitch! So is time. Always has been and will always be.

  15. Man, that’s a long rant about being theatrical and fantasy at all times. Let me shorten it for you, honey: I hate my true self.

  16. Ponkur

    Fascinating. I think the lupus has started to eat her brain.

  17. americans who spell theater, “theatre” need to be kicked in the nuts, gaga included (same for actors who pronounce their profession, “actaur”)

  18. Jeez

    Yeah the whole time I was reading I kept thinking what the f*** is she on. It did remind me of the Charlie meltdown.

    • akewlazzmom

      Wow! Just. Great.
      First, it was Madonna. Now she’s the Village People!!
      Egads…is NOTHING sacred anymore?

  19. Kelly

    Um, no, they DO NOT read alike. One is a fascinating posit on effort and the duality of art and life. The other is a rant. They don’t even use the same words.

    • On the contrary – I saw a few “the”s and “my”s in both. But you’re right, Gaga is totally ranting here.

    • The Train!

      that’s what i was thinking. what she wrote made sense to me. it didn’t seem crazy or even outlandish. it seemed like aesthetic theory to me, not nonsense. but i guess if you dare to use a word like “posit” the internets won’t forgive you.

  20. You know people are too far gone when they start believing their own bullshit. Gaga jumped the shark a long time ago.

  21. deeznutz

    Cool; does this mean she’ll have her own “Winning” Tour soon I hope?

  22. Saetana

    What a piece of crap posted by an obvious Gaga-hater, I see no similaries in these two pieces at all.

  23. Dick Douche, Private Eye

    The reason she sounds like Sheen is because she was coked up when she wrote it. That’s why they call it Charlie (so I’m told).

  24. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

  25. Yeah...

    “Look at me! I’m so smart! I’m just using a bunch of words I read in the thesaurus!!” I think I hate her the most out of any person in the hole entire world.

  26. the captain

    I wasn’t actually sure her appearance could get any cheaper.
    ………………BUT IT STILL CAN BE DONE, folks!!

  27. Lady GaGa Leather
    bugabo
    Commented on this photo:

    Nope…still needs to loose more weight.

  28. Putabirdonit

    She claims to be so original but when she first came out she looked like every other pop singer wanna be, check out her first music video!!

    • butt nugget

      She also did MTVs “Boiling Point”, shortly after MTV started becoming totally irrelevent. She looks like any other college aged Hollister wearing slutbag. Real original shit there.

  29. Carla V.

    Fish seriously, this post is fucking ART. “Do something original, junkie!” — art to the very last sentence haha!

  30. Lady GaGa Leather
    No Kidding
    Commented on this photo:

    In the 4th photo I thought the guy in back of her was part of her outfit because they look fused together so I thought for second “WOW, that is creative and she is really smart because this is flying way over my head!” but then I realized in the next photo that it was just real guy and she’s just a artsy pretentious New York snob who wishes she were a gay man so she could be a transvestite.

  31. ART IS EVERYTHING!!!

    In the 4th photo I thought the guy in back of her was part of her outfit because they look fused together so I thought for second “WOW, that is creative and she is really smart because this is flying way over my head!” but then I realized in the next photo that it was just real guy and she’s just a artsy pretentious New York snob who wishes she were a gay man so she could be a transvestite.

  32. ART IS EVERYTHING!!!

    On second thought I think the guy who appears near her actually is part of the whole get up and represents one of the following:

    a) gay man she wishes she were
    b) gay man trapped inside her
    c) gay man she is simultaneously
    d) gay man she is morphing into
    e) gay man the gay man inside her is dating

  33. Sboy

    Superficial Writer’s monologue was totally AWESOME!!!

  34. Alixia

    Well, reading this P.O.S. sort of makes me miss Charlie Sheen. At least he didn’t hide being a crackhead and having a penis. Jesus Christ Stefani, take note.

  35. Duke Steele

    Hey,thats really far out and psychedelic, man

  36. Sir Mix Alot

    You make shitty cookie cutter pop music. Shut the fuck up and sing for some more 13 year olds. Just Dance is a pretty bomb tune though. just sayin.

    • jump1551

      any song might be, if a “fit” mostly naked blonde was “performing” it…..The stupid, and 12 year old girls keep this idiot relevant.

  37. jump1551

    The Chad Johnson (Ochostinko) of music. both would probably die, if the camera’s went away!

  38. Wow

    wow everyone is soo critical of her, its her column for a fashion magazine not meant to be taken too seriously, and everyone SHE NEVER CLAIMED TO BE ORIGINAL the media put that on her

  39. watson

    *Stands up clapping* Brilliant, brilliant. I should have her write my papers in my upcoming critical theory/analysis class. My professor will be so confused and distracted by all that abstract bullshit, that I will get a A on my paper. Or an F.

  40. watson

    Plus, she could have just summarize that whole statement into one line: “I’m Rick James, bitch.”

  41. Count of Monte Fisto

    Hey! I’m a theater major and I DO NOT MAKE LATTES.

    …however, would you like butter on your popcorn sir?

  42. Jim

    A genius like Lady Gaga is often misunderstood by morons…

  43. Is she holding a cowbell?

  44. taboo or terrible

    Art is subjective. But this is not art.

  45. Jkaren

    Think she’ll die soon?

  46. theNephew

    This writing is complete drivel. The minute you put your proverbial pen to paper, you should follow the greatest rule of all and that is: Just because you have the ability to use big words doesn’t mean you necessarily should, or try to utilize them in what is obviously a cry for attention, for the self-derived need to be recognized in a literary way in turn often makes your written work excruciatingly long-winded and daft. What a horrible attempt at sounding philosophical with no formulated content, just whatever popped into her head at the time, obviously. Convoluted and self-righteous. I’m an ideological/philosophical writer and this is garbage. Try again, or better yet, stick to your forte and stay away from a dying art for those who know how to use it properly. Thnx

  47. Jashan

    What has the world of music coming to? You didn’t see this sort of crap in the ’80s and all the way trouhgh the early ’90s. Now you see sluts like the Pussycat Dolls, Britney Spears, Katy Perry, etc. performing sexual moves in their clips.Lady GaGa should be ashamed of herself sending kids the wrong message, that erotic dancing is alright. 10 has the right to censor this video clip.

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