Kylie Jenner Had a Fake Wedding. It Was Stupid.

I forgot that Kylie Jenner’s TV show is a thing that idiots watch. I forgot because I try and pretend that America isn’t the dumpster fire that it is by distracting myself with small, simple pleasures — like pie. And goddamn do I love pie…

Anyway it’s Monday and I ate my entire week’s ration of pie last night while pretending to give the NFL the benefit of the doubt when they sweep domestic violence and racism under the rug for the sake of gazoobles of money and bloodsport.

Apparently what I missed was Kylie Jenner having a “wedding” thing on her show Life of Kylie. She married the person who always holds her shoes when she gets drunk/doesn’t want to wear them, Jordyn Woods. They were wearing some sort of alpaca cosplay costumes too because if you’re going to do something this idiotic, it’d be a drag if you didn’t look the part. Woods has expressed how being a D.U.F.F. for the buttqueen dynasty princess has taken a massive emotional toll on her development as an individual, even going so far as calling her relationship with Kylie “draining.”

“I actually feel like I’m in a full relationship with her,” she admitted. “There is different types of relationships. We’re definitely in one. Not necessarily sexual, but definitely emotionally. It’s draining sometimes!”

The young starlet, whose father passed away after a battle with cancer this year, also claimed she hadn’t been able to fully deal with her emotions due to her current whirlwind lifestyle as theKeeping Up with the Kardashians star’s co-star and best friend.

“I feel like it’s because I’m so consumed in someone else’s life,” Jordyn said, revealing her fears of living under Kylie’s shadow for the rest of her life. “When did I ever have time to build myself?” (from CeleBuzz)

Jesus… I’ve probably had goldfish that had more independence than this poor girl. Also the fact that she feels the needs to outline the fact that there are “not necessarily sexual” things going on between them is misappropriating lesbians everywhere who would give their left ovary for a destination wedding in Peru.

I give it six months…