Kurt Russell says he thought he was going to get his first kiss in third grade, but got stabbed instead, and even has the scar to prove it. He tells Men’s Journal:
“I was in third grade, and … I noticed this really hot chick hanging out under the bridge with her friend. She was probably 13, and there was this vibe about her, you know. She says, ‘Hey, come here.’ I think I’m going to get my first kiss. She lifts my shirt, then all of a sudden reaches into her bee hive, pulls out a penknife, and drags it about 6 inches across my stomach. It starts to bleed, and they haul ass. I was, like, ‘What?’ “
It must’ve been pretty hard living back in the Stone Age. Where girls pretended they were going to kiss you, but then stabbed you in the stomach instead. Call me old fashioned, but when a girl pretends they’re going to kiss you that gives you the right to have sex with her. And if she resists, well that’s just her being feisty. Rowr!
edb87 | April 9, 2007 at 8:13 am
Women cut me all the time when I try to kiss them. Even after that, the cops usually haul me away, saying something about “rape”.
Fifth Stooge | April 9, 2007 at 8:14 am
He should have clubbed her and drug her back to his cave by her hair.
TheRanchTooth | April 9, 2007 at 8:16 am
Wow, Kurt Russell met Lorena Bobbitt when when they were kids…
freakflag | April 9, 2007 at 8:19 am
I would have caught her and stabbed her in the ass. Repeatedly. With my meat knife.
Jimbo | April 9, 2007 at 8:19 am
I loved Kurt as the Monkey boy on Giligan’s Island, but is this really any better than that stupid Ashley Simpson story. Who care that the guy has had a scare on his belly for the last 50 years??
Poroleishon | April 9, 2007 at 8:25 am
WTF?!?!?!
KatieKates | April 9, 2007 at 8:27 am
Maybe she was a psychic and foresaw “Tango and Cash”. Or worse, “Overboard”. I’d want to prevent those trainwrecks, too.
Jason The Barbarian | April 9, 2007 at 8:27 am
She was just trying to save us all from Escape From LA…
Hecubus | April 9, 2007 at 8:30 am
I have a story so similar to this it’s freaky. I once saw this hot 13 year old chick hanging out under a bridge, I went up to her and there was just this vibe. She thought I was going to kiss her but I pulled out a penknife and jabbed it into her neck, she chokes to death on her own blood and I fuck her corpse. Funny story, it was just a few weeks ago around my 26th birthday.
As for Snake Plissken, I’m glad he’s back. You’ll never see this guy with plucked eyebrows and a perfectly gelled emo fringe.
mrlithium | April 9, 2007 at 8:34 am
Trust me this is a good story. People having their pictures taken eating a hamburger *cough* nicole richie* don’t deserve my 1 minute of brain time let alone hours on national tv.
Spindoc | April 9, 2007 at 8:35 am
Hopefully Goldie Apologised and gave him some Anal to make up for leaving that scar.
jazzdrummer420 | April 9, 2007 at 8:36 am
Was it love at first slice???
Come Phish, there is better stuff out there!!!!
jakebarnes | April 9, 2007 at 8:40 am
A 13 year-old who keeps her penknife in a beehive? Now that’s my kind of woman!
lookma_nohans | April 9, 2007 at 8:42 am
Kurt Russell thinks beehives are hot?
LOL!! Pwned!
veggi | April 9, 2007 at 8:46 am
There are some weird potential rapists here…. Glad there’s lots of cyberspace between us. Sheesh!
And come on katiekates! Overboard was a great movie!
TheRanchTooth | April 9, 2007 at 8:52 am
“potential”?
Rachelraquel | April 9, 2007 at 9:16 am
I am actually very frightened of the men who post on here…
and as for Kurt, I must say, he probably deserved it.
And as for the Lorena Bobbitt comment, I’d say John Bobbitt certainly got what he deserved. How would anyone here like to repeatedly get raped by someone who is supposed to love you?
TheRanchTooth | April 9, 2007 at 9:20 am
Rachelraquel, I think I love you!!! Now bend over…
Jimbo | April 9, 2007 at 9:22 am
@17
Don’t lump me in with those guys. I have never raped anyone. Or wanted too
Superevil | April 9, 2007 at 9:26 am
A slow news day indeed.
arrogances | April 9, 2007 at 9:30 am
He should’ve chased their asses with a rock.
“You cut me bitch!”
Jimbo | April 9, 2007 at 9:32 am
Where are the Britney and Paris stories?
arrogances | April 9, 2007 at 9:32 am
“I’m Rick James, bitch!”
arrogances | April 9, 2007 at 9:33 am
And Lorena can kiss my Bobbitt, damn it!
veggi | April 9, 2007 at 9:34 am
I know, Jimbo. Rehab as totally ruined our fun! Silly people trying to get better. WTF!
RichPort | April 9, 2007 at 9:46 am
Jimbo don’t let comfortable-shoe-wearing underarm-hair-braiding Lorena-idolizing psychocastrating feminazi lesbobitches like #17 make you go all weak-kneed. Most women with healthy sex drives and no major neuroses get off on a little bit of hair-pulling and even light choking every once in awhile, to spice things up. The pornos don’t lie.
PunjabPete | April 9, 2007 at 9:48 am
#17 – You are completely and utterly full of shit…
Lorena Bobbit was a psycho bitch who cut off her husbands dick for spite. Whe wasn’t abused….
“In statements to police, she explained that she had cut off the penis because her husband was “selfish” and “wouldn’t give her an orgasm.” John contested these accusations by elaborately detailing his allegedly unsuccessful attempts at oral sex the previous night.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorena_Bobbitt
sxbby963 | April 9, 2007 at 9:52 am
This happened to him in the third grade??? Holy crap.
And #26, I love having my hair pulled during sex, but only if i’m handcuffed to the bed.
Jimbo | April 9, 2007 at 9:54 am
@25 Yes WTF!!! Where are the days of a good Britney snatch shot or some Tara Reid nipple? Aren
Jimbo | April 9, 2007 at 9:58 am
@26 I never said anything about some good rough sex. A good smack on the ass, some good hair pulling is always a good time, but rape, I don’t want to be lumped into that group. Why rape someone, there are always lots of willing partisiopants
F-Sucker | April 9, 2007 at 10:00 am
All women are evil.
Jeffrey Dahmer | April 9, 2007 at 10:11 am
Lorena are you gonna eat that?
sympathee | April 9, 2007 at 10:18 am
WTF?! Where did he grow up?
sxbby963 | April 9, 2007 at 10:22 am
#33 — that’s what i mean — what kind of a rough neighborhood did he live in where, as an eight-year-old, he got sliced up by a teenager with a beehive. Sounds like something directed by David Lynch.
chiris | April 9, 2007 at 10:36 am
I’d do him anytime under any bridge
HollyJ | April 9, 2007 at 10:42 am
31 – ..It’s really pathetic that straight men will do and say ANYTHING to get into us, despite the fact that you know we’re pure evil. Poor, poor bastards. Must be horrible to be a slave to your nut sac.
Everything’s about our fun box, and we know it. MWA HA HA!!!! **wringing hands over hot cauldron**
DrPhowstus | April 9, 2007 at 11:11 am
Got stabbed? Riiiiiight. As Tom Cruise might say, got stabbed my ass. Earth to Kurt Russell: you, TC, and John Travolta with your little fucking Lemon Party cannot refer to yourselves as stabbing victims. That’s like me jumping off a curb while flapping my arms and swear I was flying.
TheRanchTooth | April 9, 2007 at 11:46 am
Women are not “evil.” It’s just that they want to kiss before sex, and exist after it. Very annoying.
F-Sucker | April 9, 2007 at 11:52 am
#36
Most women are lying ho-bag skanks. They dress skanky, talk skanky, do everything to turn a man on and use sexuality to get what they want, then act SHOCKED when the man expects sex. If you don’t want men trying to get “in” don’t advertise yourself as a ho by dressing in shirts that let your boobs hang out, tight jeans, or shirt skirts.
By the way, I don’t want “in”. Just suck my dick.
DrPhowstus | April 9, 2007 at 11:58 am
I don’t really like women either, but the thought of slapping my dick on a bearded face makes me kinda queasy, so I guess I’m stuck with you bitches. I do, however, love pussy.
madi | April 9, 2007 at 12:59 pm
Dang, typicaly I try to ignore the fact that this site is hosted by a bigoted war monger and try to focus on the humor. Today after a joke about rape, I felt moved to see what others felt about such a prick comment. You are all (you know who you are) ignorant to the point of mental illness. please don’t procreate for I should be forced to slay your mentaly handicapped offspring. I wear short skirts and if you touched me, I would hurt you to the point of hospitalization. You would not be the first.
F- YOU!!
F-Sucker | April 9, 2007 at 1:39 pm
I’m crazy because I think a girl that dresses in short or tight and revealing clothes probably wants to put out?
Sure.
Almost as crazy as the girl that dresses that way and doesn’t think she’s advertising her punanny.
whitegold | April 9, 2007 at 1:55 pm
There’s varying degrees and styles of funny, and then there are the various comments on this post, the majority of which are just odd.
Rachelraquel | April 9, 2007 at 4:13 pm
#27, are you seriously trying to combat what I said with info off of Wikipedia.org??
Now I’m even more frightened!!!
Truthseeker013 | April 9, 2007 at 5:52 pm
I wanna be Kurt Russell when I grow up.
TheRanchTooth | April 9, 2007 at 6:58 pm
#41 madi – don’t brag about the short skirts from Lane Bryant. We all know they weren’t really intended to be short.
Rachelraquel | April 9, 2007 at 9:50 pm
And #26, I can be a feminist who thinks a woman being raped has the right to defend herself without being a lesbian or without thinking a little playful roughness in the bedroom is harmful. Because it isn’t.
And as for me having a healthdrive, I guess you could ask my boyfriend if you really wanted to…
I have a pretty good sense of humor, and laugh off a lot of stuff, but rape jokes are just not funny. Plan and simple.
I was certainly not trying to make any enemies on thesuperficial.com, but I think we can all agree that rape = bad.
Rachelraquel | April 9, 2007 at 9:51 pm
durr, I’m sure you can guess i meant “healthy sex drive”
I shall blame it on Typekey like everyone else does!
jujucabana | April 10, 2007 at 6:10 am
this rape theme you have in your posts are disgusting. you moderate comments, but you should moderate your posts.
justagirl2007 | April 10, 2007 at 7:49 am
I’ve seen a lot of stupid stuff on this site, but this has got to be, by far, the most ignorant comment ever made: “Call me old fashioned, but when a girl pretends they’re going to kiss you that gives you the right to have sex with her. And if she resists, well that’s just her being feisty. Rowr!” Get a grip Stupidficial – jokes about rape are never funny, no matter what the context.