UPDATE: Kurt Cobain’s Suicide Just Got Reopened

After recently developing 35 mm film that was forgotten for almost 20 years in an evidence locker, Seattle police have reopened the investigation into Kurt Cobain’s death, according to KIRO. Except let me save everybody a whole bunch of time and energy: It was Courtney Love. Courtney Love did it. Why do you think she’s been so helpful lately? “I know. If I find that missing plane, they’ll have to think I’m innocent! Courtney, you genius…”

UPDATE: According to the Seattle Times, there were no new findings and police were merely reexamining old evidence that will be released to the public on April 5 the 20th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death. Then again, this could all just be a cover story so Courtney Love doesn’t get spooked which would be impossible because she’s a poltergeist made of heroin and penis tears. Fear is her, and she is fear.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, WENN