Kristen Stewart Cheated On Edward: The Aftermath

It’s now Day 2 of this confusing, strange new reality we find ourselves in where Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson’s relationship failed to be as exactly magical as it is in the Twilight movies. (I heard they’re not even real vampires. YOU’VE BUILT A HOUSE OF LIES.) So instead of making every single post today about the aftermath of Rupert Sanders cunnilinging actresses who aren’t his wife in broad daylight, here’s a rundown of stuff that’s managed to make us all forget some crazed lunatic shot up a movie theater not even a week ago. In fact, I’m almost positive I just imagined that, so let’s stick to the real news: BELLA AND EDWARD MIGHT BREAK UP!!1!

Kristen Stewart is apparently writing Rupert’s wife Liberty Ross a private apology letter. Personally, I’d go for a humorous card from Hallmark. Maybe something like a kitten stuck in a tree and it says, “Let’s take a paws for a minute.” Whichever one best says, “Sorry your husband licked my vagina,” without getting your face stabbed in. [Hollywood Life]

Lady GaGa clearly has no clue what’s going on, but felt she should say something. [E! News]

Robert Pattinson said something about hating cheaters in an interview a few months back. [Us Magazine]

Which naturally lead to Kristen Stewart receiving death threats from jilted cat owners who fortunately can’t run very fast, but I’d still keep an eye out for Rascals with a gun mounted on them. [Jezebel]

On that note, she might want to tone down the “I’ll totally win Rob back” talk before she takes a Hot Topic limited edition Edward Cullen speculum to the back. [RadarOnline]

Especially considering she broke the poor man’s sparkle-heart because she was bored and wanted something “crazy” to happen to her. [Us Magazine]

All that said, not even 30 seconds into this thing, I already wanted Robert Pattinson to round up every single Twi-hard he can find and make them watch him forgive Kristen Stewart because she’s skinny before proposing to her in a castle made out of marshmallows.

Photos: Splash News