Kristen Stewart Cheated On Edward: The Aftermath

July 26th, 2012 // 81 Comments
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It’s now Day 2 of this confusing, strange new reality we find ourselves in where Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson‘s relationship failed to be as exactly magical as it is in the Twilight movies. (I heard they’re not even real vampires. YOU’VE BUILT A HOUSE OF LIES.) So instead of making every single post today about the aftermath of Rupert Sanders cunnilinging actresses who aren’t his wife in broad daylight, here’s a rundown of stuff that’s managed to make us all forget some crazed lunatic shot up a movie theater not even a week ago. In fact, I’m almost positive I just imagined that, so let’s stick to the real news: BELLA AND EDWARD MIGHT BREAK UP!!1!

Kristen Stewart is apparently writing Rupert’s wife Liberty Ross a private apology letter. Personally, I’d go for a humorous card from Hallmark. Maybe something like a kitten stuck in a tree and it says, “Let’s take a paws for a minute.” Whichever one best says, “Sorry your husband licked my vagina,” without getting your face stabbed in. [Hollywood Life]

Lady GaGa clearly has no clue what’s going on, but felt she should say something. [E! News]

Robert Pattinson said something about hating cheaters in an interview a few months back. [Us Magazine]

Which naturally lead to Kristen Stewart receiving death threats from jilted cat owners who fortunately can’t run very fast, but I’d still keep an eye out for Rascals with a gun mounted on them. [Jezebel]

On that note, she might want to tone down the “I’ll totally win Rob back” talk before she takes a Hot Topic limited edition Edward Cullen speculum to the back. [RadarOnline]

Especially considering she broke the poor man’s sparkle-heart because she was bored and wanted something “crazy” to happen to her. [Us Magazine]

All that said, not even 30 seconds into this thing, I already wanted Robert Pattinson to round up every single Twi-hard he can find and make them watch him forgive Kristen Stewart because she’s skinny before proposing to her in a castle made out of marshmallows.

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. HeDoesn'tExist

    I guess this ends the implant debate, unless of course she went to a doctor that specializes in the smallest implants possible.

  2. direchef

    She’s so selfish. Doesn’t she realize fans will be eating themselves to death worldwide?

  3. Arlene

    Fat people make me giggle. Hysterical fat people make me want to throw bricks at them.

  4. Rebecca

    How long did it take you guys to find the ugliest idiot posting this crap on youtube?

    • Archie Leach

      Uuuuhhhhh you’re new at this right?…… as we’ve been pointing and laughing at nuttymadam for quite a while now.

    • with the people who adore Twilight. it would not tke long. if they searched real hard i can assure they would find something better than this.

  5. Seriously?!

    WHO CARES!!!!!!!!

  6. Christ Aguilera

    WOW, all this coming out several months before the last Twilight movie? What a great publicity stunt. Get a clue people, and stop believing everything you read in the news, especially about celebrities.

    • TaT

      Just exactly how do you know it’s not true? I guess the pictures of her and the director all cuddled up were photo shopped?

    • El Jefe

      First of all there are numerous, very explicit photos. Secondly the Twilight movie series does phenomenally well and Stewart if the highest paid actress in Hollywood right now so there is little incentive to pull a stunt like this.

      Finally why the hell would a director who has nothing to with this movie at all participate in this “publicity stunt”, tarnishing his name and embarrassing his wife and children? That makes no goddamn sense.

      • what?

        wait, kristen stewart is the highest paid actress in hollywood right now?

      • fctgvhbj

        Those photos were obviously staged. It may not have been to promote Twilight, but there’s something going on. Maybe the wife is in on it too.

      • Just how painful WAS your break with reality when you finally snapped?

      • rterewtefaoieafue

        Those photos were obviously staged. It may not have been to promote Twilight, but there’s something going on. Maybe the wife is in on it too.

      • Yeah! You’re right! Why…why…..I bet she had somethin’ to do with the Colorado shooting and 9/11, too! Because clearly Elin Nordegren, Sandra Bullock and Robyn Gibson totes gave her the Master Plan they all used to stage their husbands’ affairs, cleverly designed so that the paps could get full coverage and they could be left with maximum embarassment! Because everyone knows having Dad caught in flagrante, snacking on “Bella’s” tits, is just the icing on the cake that every caring wife and mother wants their kids to experience firsthand.

        BTW, nice alphabet soup spoonful double post. Congrats, you’re a fucking moron – twice.

    • JC

      Except if they wanted to do a publicity stunt, you’d think they’d cook up something that wouldn’t enrage all the obese teen girls that fork over their cash to see this Twilight crap.

      • blahblah

        And it also kind of ruins Kristen’s image…big time.

      • Porn Star

        Or helps it…which ever way you look at it. In her next few films, she kind’ve plays sluts. Hey–what do you know–she’s a slut in real life too! Fishy, ain’t it?

    • Cher X

      Twi-hards are hopeless romantics. In that they are romantic and hopeless at the same time. Therefore, publicity for Twilight fans would be Rob and Kristen finally coming out as a couple.

      It would NOT be a 41 year old guy macking up on a 22 year old girl in a car.

    • Emma Watson's Vagina

      first up to back up Christ A. statement in full. THE ENTIRE REALATIONSHIP WAS A PULICITY STUNT!!!!!!!

      DO NOT BE SURPRISED if you see Steward and Sanders hookig up .

  7. Cock Dr

    Truly this is the most critical issue of our times.
    I detest the Twilight series. The message it sells young women of love & dying for it is an awful one. Plus it is just SO DUMB.
    I hope Ms Stewart had many earth shaking orgasms with her unfortunately married father figure lover. It is vastly entertaining to watch the damage control.
    “Rob, I want out of the contract early”
    “Please just wait until the last movie comes out”
    “Nope, I’m sick of this shit. Let me out or I’ll do something drastic to make you”

  8. cc

    I am urging that there be a cessation of posts until the pics become available. Their absence is an affront to an outraged populace that needs to see incontrovertible proof of this betrayal.

  9. The Royal Penis

    She just became the calendar girl for all the unhappily married middle aged men in the world…

    All she needs to do is monetize it and forgot that she’s a whore.

  10. JungleRed

    I’m pretty sure that woman was sexually abused as a child.

  11. Miss Moppet

    She is seriously mentally ill or developmentally disabled or this is a joke ie: LEAVE BRITTNEY ALONE!!! Otherwise I don’t get it. You dont know anything about this guy except that you find him attractive and he is wealthy. That doesn’t mean their relationship was all fangs and sparklecocks. The worst relationship I had was with a gorgeous guy who was a complete lunatic. On behalf of big girls everywhere, I sincerely entreat you to STFU. You are embarressing us all.

  12. Twilighter

    Let´s think Twilight paralel reality is true and this is just the paralel moment in real life to the time Bella kissed Jacob and then said I prefer Edward, it´s always been him, but in a hardest way as Kristen is roughest than Bella in real life.

  13. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I made almost the exact same video the day I found out that Julia Roberts had cheated on Jim J. Bullock!

  14. JayceeM

    Last month I found out that my fiance had cheated on me. I kicked her out (she’s now living in her car) and have been playing the “damaged card” to systematically bang all of her friends and older sister. I’m working on her younger sister. My advice would be for Mr Pattinson to work out his pain in a similar fashion rather than taking that cum dumpster back.

  15. STAYPUFT Overlord

    Sloth, from Goonies, didn’t want it to be real.

  16. JC

    I just received an excerpt from the letter Kristin is writing to the guy’s wife:

    Dear Wife,

    You have to know how devastated I was when I found out your husband and I got caught. I almost emoted something. Not quite, but almost. When you think about it, this hurts me more than it hurts you, because I’m famous and nobody knows who you are. But whatever. Sorry about the stains on the seats in your car. It’s not my fault your husband made me so wet! :D

    Love,
    KStew

  17. That Bastard Tony

    The moral of the story here guys is to always be open-minded to eating your girl’s hair pie. Otherwise, you can best believe another guy will. mmmmmmm. hair pie.

    This (among other incidents like the way she treated him at Comic-Con) makes me wonder if their relationship was manufactured by Liongate and their respected managers as opposed to them actually liking each other.

  18. Kelly

    I have no fuckin words, I cant believe there are people out there upset like this over Celebs cheating on eachother. Im scared for the human race

  19. mike

    First off, why does everyone say she needs implants> She doesnt! not allmen find oversized globs of fat attractive, cute little boobs are fricken sexy as hell, they dont sag, don’t look stupid, and stay perky even at 40..big boobs are kind of useless, I am a guy and I like size B the best…and second…umm…well yeah not sure why she would want such an old man anyways.

  20. Inner Retard

    These stereotypical ugly fat chick just come out of everywhere like the Vietcong when shit like this happens, don’t they? Pathetic. Secretly they all believe they are who could make Pattison happy and Stewart is not good enough for him. But it’s a LIE. I’m the only one who could make him happy. ME, ME!!!

    • their self esteem so low and they become delusional. once you are on that level you mentality goes in the opposite direction until someone gives them a dose of reality. just do not do it when they are near sharp objects.

  21. McWo

    IT’S STILL REAL TO ME DAMMIT!

  22. Baron Wilhelm Otto

    It gives me profound sadness that she did this.

    Now I has to go pee

  23. Usually when i see an attractive girl my thoughts are to have sex with her .ut this is the lead actress of Twilight. so after reading this my first thoughts are to eat her out like no tomorrow.

  24. Nina

    This is ridiculous. Kristen Stewart is a 22 yo girl. Most regular ugly fat fucks cheat. Imagine you were young, hot, and famous. Her cheating is practically unavoidable. Rob should just chill out. If he wants to break up with her, that’s his choice. She’ll do fine with or without him. He will also do fine with or without her. They’re fucking kids. Who cares?

  25. GreekFacts

    Does this whole thing remind anyone else of America’s Sweethearts with John Cusack and Catherine Zeta Jones, the only difference is the director isn’t spanish!

  26. Reality

    Fake, fake, fake, fake

    Hollywoods motto is “no such thing as bad publicity”

  27. Crissy

    The guy who wrote Idiocracy was REALLY on to something…. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Humanity is lost!

  28. Arlene

    “How could you cheat on Robert Pattinson?” Probably because he prefers dick.
    With that being stated, I wonder if that pathetic loser is going to kill herself after the last Twilight movie. One can only hope.

  29. SWG

    I really thought the girl in the video was doing an impersonation of a total freak.

    Then the video ended. Just like that.

    I’m still looking around me for clues I might be in the Twilight Zone.

  30. Nina

    I just saw the video fish posted. I broke up with my “boyfriend” of 5 years today, and I shed all of 2 or 3 tears. I can’t imagine caring that much about anyone else’s life. I’m almost impressed by her wave of emotion. It’s probably my age, but I can’t imagine feeling anything quite that much, not a gunshot or lost job, or least of all, a failed relationship. I suppose we could all learn some humanity from this chick. She seems like she may turn out to be a good woman one day if she can avoid losing her sanity.

  31. Kristen Stewart
    Commented on this photo:

    She said she wanted someone to fuck her over. I volunteered, but she decided to do it to herself.

  32. Negrodamus

    Booooooooooring. Wake me up when Kristen Stewart makes a face that doesn’t look like she just cut one. Now *that* is news!

  33. who cares about Twilight people….I am pretty sure the creators of SHREKused this chick as the inspiration for Princess Fiona’s Ogre character what a beauty!!!!!

  34. Kristen Stewart
    tina
    Commented on this photo:

    WTF,, YOU JUST LOST A LOT OF PPL WHO LIKED YOU!! YOU CAN NOW GO UNDER A ROCK WHERE YOU BELONG!!
    lOST A LOT OF REPECT FROM A BUNCH OF PEOPLE!

  35. amit

    i think kristen wanted to play in real life to be like her character which she played in on road movie.Her behavior is same like the character.

  36. helle

    I call PR stunt. Eddie is gay. No straight guy is that beautiful. The made a deal with the most forgettable couple in the world- et voila. Also I would think they’d be a bit above sneaking around in the park and boob kissing in the car. I mean.. I thought it would be all private jets and champagne served by deaf and dumb waiters.

  37. Kristen Stewart
    CANTSTOPSTARING
    Commented on this photo:

    Passport? Leaving the country?

    Twi-Hards are EVERYWHERE, Kristen.

    THIS IS THE WORLD YOU’VE MADE.

  38. mikenike

    You are way too far into these movies and these peoples lives. What the fuck are you crying about? Jesus.

  39. common cloud

    I love how she starts out…. “IT’s nobody’s business” and then spends the rest of the video delving into their business and crying about how KS cheated on RP. OKKKK….

  40. LIZ

    IF YOU LOOK AT THE PICTURES SHE MAKES A POINT IN LOOKING OUT THE CAR WINDOW SHE WANT HER FACE TO BE SEEN I FEEL SHE WANTED IT TO HAPPEN SORRY THAT THIS IS A CLEAN MESSAGE

  41. Kristen Stewart
    Catattck
    Commented on this photo:

    Her shirt says feelthese.

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