Kris Jenner’s Playing The Long Con

“I’mma milk you in a minute, but first I’mma drop truth bombs on your moms about Bruce.”

In the aftermath of Bruce Jenner’s Diane Sawyer interview, we’ve learned a few things. First, eyelid surgery: Do. Not. Get. This. Second, within the scope of a relatively new understanding of gender identity, especially as it relates to sexuality, questions like “So what, is he like a lesbian now?” are basically just semantics over pronouns. Bruce Jenner is a human being who has sex with other humans and will continue to do so in some capacity whether Bruce Jenner takes off pants or a dress beforehand. However you need to categorize the genital communion of two humans who you don’t happen to be one of is solely your problem at this point.

What we didn’t learn from the interview — because we’ve known it all along since it shines like a kernel of truth within us all — is that Kris Jenner is an awful bitch. After getting called out by ABC for lying about having never been reached for comment, now comes word that she left Bruce’s viewing party for the interview after only a few minutes of skulking around like her adult diaper was full the whole time. Via Radar:

“Kris popped in for just a few minutes,” a source tells Radar. “She was off to the side and looking really aloof. She wasn’t into being there.” “She ended up walking out after a few minutes,” the insider adds. “She wasn’t even watching it!”

Which is great because her whole defense for #NoCommentGate (Die, media, slowly and painfully.) was that her proof of support was being at the party:

Yes, let’s keep it real. While Bruce’s previous exes both gave brief messages of love and support then quickly faded from the spotlight, Kris Jenner hasn’t commented and has clearly instructed her broodmares to keep relatively quiet. This is so she can line up her own series of exclusive interviews for which the networks will pay her assloads of money for “photo licensing,” because that’s how this shit works. Bruce’s interview wedged a celebrity face into a socially polarizing topic, even managing to drag some top shelf conservative names into the conversation, which basically everyone now agrees was an important shove in the direction of human rights for everyone.

On the other hand, Kris’ play, the “I will appear cold and unsupportive to drum up interest in my side of the story,” serves nobody but herself. With any luck, an errant drone strike will wipe out the entire Kardashian family and we can start focusing on socially impactful topics like these Kim Kardashian vagina photos I just put down below. Wait! What the hell just happened? I put the politics in there and everything! Her magic is too dark, too strong. EVERYBODY RUN!!

Photo: Fame/Flynet