Kourtney Kardashian’s In A Bikini

April 21st, 2014 // 16 Comments

II. Pre-purchase identification

A Kardashian must always be viewed from the hindquarters for the best price determination. These guidelines will help ascertain precisely which sister you’re bidding on and how to differentiate the three:

a. Are the back haunches covered in fur and eight feet tall? This is Sasquatch, and it is paramount to your safety to vacate the premises in slow, deliberate movements as quickly as possible. If you followed the rules in the previous section, you should have no uncovered foods giving off scents thus making your escape easier. If you did not follow the rules, speed, agility, and immediate access to a high-powered rifle are agencies you now require for basic survival. (The tossing of a Snickers bar while running in the opposite direction has only a 36% chance of success as your hands will now posses the smell of chocolate and nougat.)

b. Do the hindquarters block the light of the sun casting you into darkness? This is Kimberly. She will fetch the highest price, and most likely require constant supervision from her current owner who is a dabbler of the dark arts. However, tricking this conjurer to say her name backwards (“Rennej Sirk”) will often dispel of her. Keep in mind, she cannot enter your home without an invitation which will she will surely attempt to hypnotize from you. If she is flanked by two smaller creatures, you will soon be facing charges of statutory rape and an unpleasant encounter with one Christopher Hansen. He is undefeated in combat and wielder of the mythical blade Pedocleave.

c. Are the hindquarters seemingly large, yet small enough to fit the whole creature in your pocket? This is Kourtney. She will fetch the smallest price as demand for her is surprisingly low despite having the most pleasing aesthetic features. You’ll also find her plunder holes more suitably intact thanks to Caesarean sections and limited intercourse from a woodling named Scott which barely even registers. It’s like he’s not even there. If his chattering becomes incessant, Garnier Fructis hair putty and a fine horse hair brush will occupy him for several hours if not days.

- Rutherford’s Guide To Cattle: North American Edition 2013 – 2014

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Splash News


  1. That is some brilliant writing, Fish. Nothing to add.

  2. Agreed. Brilliant. But to be just a little picky, shouldn’t the measurements in a. be given in “hands,” as in “the beast is 16 hands high at the withers?”

    Just looking for technical accuracy here.

  3. Kourtney Kardashian Bikini Scott Disick
    Commented on this photo:

    Cabo Wobble

  4. Kourtney Kardashian Bikini Scott Disick
    Hugh G. Rection
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s scary when you realize that Kourtney has the third largest ass in the family.

  5. Frankie

    I’d take some backdoor action on that first photo!

  6. Kourtney Kardashian Bikini Scott Disick
    Commented on this photo:


  7. What’s her claim to fame? Oh yeah her sister made a fuck video.

  8. Kourtney Kardashian Bikini Scott Disick
    alan Alda's Nutsack
    Commented on this photo:

    Fucking slob!

  9. Didn’t Kim’s ass used to only be as big as this Kunt’s ass is now?

  10. Kourtney Kardashian Bikini Scott Disick
    Bangkok Betty
    Commented on this photo:

    I think she looks sexy as hell. I think the majority of the people who comment on here saying awful things about women who aren’t airbrushed (and I’m sure the comments are coming) have probably never seen a real naked woman up close. Spoiler: This is what most women look like.

  11. Kourtney Kardashian Bikini Scott Disick
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d take her over Kim and Kong.

  12. Swearin

    Dear sir,
    I find your advice intriguing and would like to subscribe to your newsletter. Please also send me coupons and special offers on rifles, bear traps and other yeti deterrents, along with your free “Kendall and Kylie’s Age of Consent” countdown calendar

    • Gen

      Did you mean the “Kylie and Kendall Konsent Kountdown Kalendar” because I’m pretty sure Kris already had that idea, and they’ll be coming to vendors near you soon.

  13. right

    I think the entire family is vile. I don’t care for any of them. Robert Kardashian seemed like a good guy until he removed OJ’s suitcase from the scene, after the juice returned.

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