II. Pre-purchase identification
A Kardashian must always be viewed from the hindquarters for the best price determination. These guidelines will help ascertain precisely which sister you’re bidding on and how to differentiate the three:
a. Are the back haunches covered in fur and eight feet tall? This is Sasquatch, and it is paramount to your safety to vacate the premises in slow, deliberate movements as quickly as possible. If you followed the rules in the previous section, you should have no uncovered foods giving off scents thus making your escape easier. If you did not follow the rules, speed, agility, and immediate access to a high-powered rifle are agencies you now require for basic survival. (The tossing of a Snickers bar while running in the opposite direction has only a 36% chance of success as your hands will now posses the smell of chocolate and nougat.)
b. Do the hindquarters block the light of the sun casting you into darkness? This is Kimberly. She will fetch the highest price, and most likely require constant supervision from her current owner who is a dabbler of the dark arts. However, tricking this conjurer to say her name backwards (“Rennej Sirk”) will often dispel of her. Keep in mind, she cannot enter your home without an invitation which will she will surely attempt to hypnotize from you. If she is flanked by two smaller creatures, you will soon be facing charges of statutory rape and an unpleasant encounter with one Christopher Hansen. He is undefeated in combat and wielder of the mythical blade Pedocleave.
c. Are the hindquarters seemingly large, yet small enough to fit the whole creature in your pocket? This is Kourtney. She will fetch the smallest price as demand for her is surprisingly low despite having the most pleasing aesthetic features. You’ll also find her plunder holes more suitably intact thanks to Caesarean sections and limited intercourse from a woodling named Scott which barely even registers. It’s like he’s not even there. If his chattering becomes incessant, Garnier Fructis hair putty and a fine horse hair brush will occupy him for several hours if not days.
- Rutherford’s Guide To Cattle: North American Edition 2013 – 2014