Kirstie Alley Looking for Death and Love, In That Order

November 18th, 2005 // 12 Comments

kirstie_alley_thumb1.jpgIn a story bound to make all married women a little bit nervous (not to mention their husbands), Kirstie Alley says that she has not had sex for four years and is desperate to bed a widower with kids.

“I want a man who loves his wife desperately and she just died a couple of years ago. So he’s had enough time to get over her, but he’s got the kids. And he wants a great stepmother” Kirstie also admitted that she became too fat for sex: “I thought I was too fat to have sex. I’m not kidding There’s no way I would ever have had sex when I was really fat I would have just die. I turned men down, saying, ‘Look I’m too fat Don’t bother me now When I’m skinny again maybe we’ll talk about it. I once spent three days in bed because I felt that I was so fat, old and ugly and thought I was never going to work again.”

There are obviously a lot of terrifying things going on with this woman. Fortunately most people don’t have the luxury of laying in bed for three days downing milkshakes and getting buttered into our clothes. And if there’s one thing guys love more than an obnoxious fatass, it’s an obnoxious fatass who refuses to have sex with them. I can just hear the guy saying to his buddies ‘Yeah I just got shot down. Yeah that chick at the bar. Well, she says she’s only 300 pounds. Yeah, well, the mumu makes her look fat. Fatter. Says her names Kirstie. Oh, you really think that’s Kirstie Alley? Ok, I’ll be right back.” (drowns self in toilet)

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  1. elle

    what the hell is she complaining for? i’m sure she’s got more money stashed away from being on cheers than i make in 5 years with out taxes. get out of your bed, lose some weight and go buy a boyfriend.

  2. archyros

    Reminds me of a fat woman I used to know. She wanted to marry me because her religion did not allow her to have sex outside marriage. I turned her down as I was running away.

    So is Kirstie a Jehovah’s Witness? She doesn’t seem to want to date, just to get married? Well, there’s just more of her to slap around…

  3. tori

    does anyone else remember when she used to be hot? oh man.

  4. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    A good way to releive depression is laying in bed for three days, eating. Not to mention it’s a great way to lose weight.

  5. Jivenut

    “does anyone else remember when she used to be hot?”

    How old are you? 87? NO, nobody can remeber that far back.

  6. The Scarlet Bitch

    “does anyone else remember when she used to be hot?”

    She only looked hot because her only female competition on the show was Rhea Pearlman. Jocelyn Wildenstine would look hot next to Rhea Pearlman.

  7. pixel killya

    May I recommend the obvious step-saving act of necrophilia?

  8. I hit it, back in 93.

  9. HollyJ

    LOL @ Jivenut & Scarlet ! HA HA! … I love how Kirstie’s poised in that picture with an erect popsickle or sucker (whatever it is). I can just see her whipping it around in the air as she goes on about how she’s too fat for sex. Ummm… “that’s hot” ..What is that? …Now, I’m not saying that holding up that food pole has any subliminal messages for the men out there…but I figure that wielding a bratwurst vertically in her hand during the photo op would’ve been the only way to be more obvious. She’s replaced sex with food. And now the food makes her unlikely to ever get sex. Viscious cycle! …Hold on.. I need to take a moment to fret about the problems of over-indulged wealthy people…

  10. ebayfan414

    A good source, having hidden cameras in Kirstie Alley’s bedroom, has recently confirmed the following:

    She is so desperate for sex, and so obsessed with food, that she has resorted to combining both, in a last effort to save her sanity. She was videotaped shoving a twinkie into her Vagina, and crooning, “oooohhh, yyeaahhh, you want me to swalloow the cream filling? Oookaayy! Have it your way, big boy!” And then she proceeded to eat the twinkie, which, by then, was covered in nasty kirstie alley vagina juice. She was rushed to the hospital moments later.

    Watch out for Kirstie’s new show, premiering soon: Really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really FAT (and desperate) non-actress.

  11. tori

    she was hot in the ‘look who’s talking’ movies. i’m only 18, it wasn’t that long ago.

  12. beetlejuicerules

    If “Joey” isn’t a hit Matt LeBlanc has to go back to the drawing board. If Kirstie’s new show isn’t a hit she has to go back to the smorgasbord.

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