Kirstie Alley Looking for Death and Love, In That Order

kirstie_alley_thumb1.jpgIn a story bound to make all married women a little bit nervous (not to mention their husbands), Kirstie Alley says that she has not had sex for four years and is desperate to bed a widower with kids.

“I want a man who loves his wife desperately and she just died a couple of years ago. So he’s had enough time to get over her, but he’s got the kids. And he wants a great stepmother” Kirstie also admitted that she became too fat for sex: “I thought I was too fat to have sex. I’m not kidding There’s no way I would ever have had sex when I was really fat I would have just die. I turned men down, saying, ‘Look I’m too fat Don’t bother me now When I’m skinny again maybe we’ll talk about it. I once spent three days in bed because I felt that I was so fat, old and ugly and thought I was never going to work again.”

There are obviously a lot of terrifying things going on with this woman. Fortunately most people don’t have the luxury of laying in bed for three days downing milkshakes and getting buttered into our clothes. And if there’s one thing guys love more than an obnoxious fatass, it’s an obnoxious fatass who refuses to have sex with them. I can just hear the guy saying to his buddies ‘Yeah I just got shot down. Yeah that chick at the bar. Well, she says she’s only 300 pounds. Yeah, well, the mumu makes her look fat. Fatter. Says her names Kirstie. Oh, you really think that’s Kirstie Alley? Ok, I’ll be right back.” (drowns self in toilet)