Kirstie Alley Probably Shouldn’t Have Lost All That Weight So Fast

Possibly motivated by a self-imposed dry spell after refusing to engage in “fat sex” (a.k.a. Every night of the week for this motherfucker. High five!), Kirstie Alley rapidly shed a dramatic 100 pounds presumably by using Scientology slave laborers to tunnel out all the cellulite so it can power an entire prison/pleasure yacht. Except she probably should’ve taken into account that the older you get, the less elasticity your skin has, so it’s practically a miracle people aren’t tripping and falling behind her. “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to carry your excess face in a cart. It’s for liability purposes, you understand.”

Photos: Fame, INFdaily, Splash News, WENN