Kirsten Dunst still not over Jake Gyllenhaal

February 17th, 2008 // 42 Comments

Kirsten Dunst’s friends are no longer afraid she’ll drink their blood and transform them into an army of Nosferatus, so they’re confirming to Us Magazine the rumor that Kirsten’s break-up with Jake Gyllenhaal led to her current stint in rehab. Jake didn’t dig Kirsten’s partying and, when he split, she started hitting the bottle like a champ:

“Whenever the cast and crew were out, she was the center of the group – doing shots and encouraging everyone to drink,” a source on her upcoming movie How to Lose Friends & Alienate People told Us. “There was no such thing as ‘just the one’ for her.”

So, let me get this straight, Kirsten Dunst gets dumped by Jake Gyllenhaal and becomes a one-woman drinking machine a.k.a. my soulmate. She doesn’t need to go to rehab. She needs to go to my house. We can get liquored up and inevitably end up playing my favorite game: “Morning After Pill Pursuit: Hangover Edition.” It’s sort of like Monopoly – but with more abortion. Dibs on the top hat.

Photo: Getty Images

  1. Jennifer2

    Kirsten Dunst. I am just a bit curious…Why her profile was found on millionaire dating site ‘BillionaireCupid dot com’ last week? I will check it again.

  2. Why

    I thought she was dead.

  3. relslLF

    She is cute.I saw many celebs including her at the celebrity and millionaire dating site named””recently. seems they are feeling loney though they are famous.

  4. Gerald_Tarrant

    Hehe, “sort of like Monopoly – but with more abortion”. Looks like someone took a dose of comedy over the weekend. I appreciate laughing on Monday morning.

    I always thought she was drinking all the time because she was with Jake. Brokeback Mountain was an act of love for him, not work. Maybe she is truly upset because Heath died. We all know he was the best actor ever. She may have enjoyed being in bed with Jake and Heath. She was depressed that neither one showed her and attention, besides anal.

  5. #2, she basically is dead.
    Perhaps a bit living dead.
    She should start hanging out with Crackhouse.

  6. Auntie Kryst

    Is there such a thing as just one drink? Really? I call bullshit on that.

  7. D. Richards (Fag.)

    First off) Dick’s not gay — I know: how could this be?! But it’s true, he’s straight as an arrow and twice as stiff. I preface because Jake Gyllenhaal is a good looking guy; I mean if I wasn’t straight, sure, I’d blow ‘im. No big deal. But Jake could be dating all sorts of dimwitted, untalented, beautiful women, but Fucking Kirsten Dunce? Kirsten Dunce?! She’s skank. Evidently.

    Secondly, and most importantly) I honestly wasn’t aware that Jake Gyllenhaal wasn’t homosexual. I saw (memorized religiously) Brokeback Mountain and I must say that there’s some pretty queer make-out-rough-man-sodomy scenes in that bastardized attempt at film making glory.

    Kirsten dunce?

  8. Nicky

    #1 and #3 can you please stop promoting your stupid gay dating website in your not-so-subtle way?

    Kirsten rocks! She’s way better looking than Reese “underbite” Witherspoon.

  9. nipolian

    She is shopping at the Alaska Fur Gallery…..This is great news due to the fact that PETA will now never ask her to do one of those nude ads for them, hence saving us all from severe nausea.

  10. kirsten dunst

    who even knows for sure that jake was the one that dumped her. obviously if she was already drinking and partying too much pre breakup…then thats not really what made her turn to alcohol is it? really don’t think she’s still under him guys, sorry.

  11. kirsten dunst

    just because you walk past a store means you shopped there? ok.

  12. deaconjones

    eh, she had nice tits in Spiderman, everything else is kind of ….(shrugging shoulders, frowning)

  13. Hey Homo Lick Dickhards

    Why are you still here? I thought we ran you off last week, girlfriend. Why do you care about who an actor is dating? Are you really gay?

  14. D. RIchards (Gay.) (If ya' wanna.)

    #13? Yeah, son, you ‘ran’ me off . . . It’s gonna take more spirit than a couple of ill-placed over-words to get rid of me.

    In truth, you almost ‘jerked me off’. You want me to come, doncha’, ‘hun’?

  15. gits

    It was a tragic breakup all around. Kristen went back to hitting the bottle, and Jake went back to hitting the cock.

  16. christian

    who wouldnt?? lol

  17. D. Richards (pin cushion for pricks)

    Son? Jeez man how old are you? In my parlance and reference of you that would be “bitch” or “fuckboy”, or how about “sperm-lips”. Nah I think “the human coral snake” would be a little obtuse but a better fit. cuz you’re like a skinny snake that lives in the ground all bedecked in pretty colors (very gay) and you pop your weak jawed head out and inject venom into peaceful harmless folk such as myself – born again doing the work of the Lord. I come here to offer guidance and hope for the confused masses littering this site (no offense to my many fans here). And you…cruelty. These idiots (my beloved pets) are not accustomed to the venom dripping from your fangs, gramps. I stand in your way as mongoose to serpent – call me DickRickyTavy if you must! But I will not stand by and have you assail the prtomagnon loitering illiterately on what should be a place of joy, not nibbling nonsense of a snake like you!

  18. D. Richards (Hiss!)

    #17? You’re kidding, right, son (servant)?

    I didn’t realize I was so ‘venomous’. Thanks.

  19. geraldo poco

    What guy would want to go out with an alcoholic slut-whore who is 25 going on 40? She might be good for a few fucks, but I’m sure any sober person would be sick of her antics after a week. Does anyone notice why these skanks like Paris, Lilo, and their fellow sluts are only used by guys as fuck & chucks?

  20. Grunion

    She’s so ugly she had to get drunk just to play with herself.

  21. hell yeah

    why is she all broken up? he’s not dating reese anymore and clearly he could use another “beard” right now. i bet if she called him, he’d take her back.

  22. “…playing my favorite game: “Morning After Pill Pursuit: Hangover Edition.” It’s sort of like Monopoly – but with more abortion. Dibs on the top hat.”

    hahahaha, made my day ~

  23. “…playing my favorite game: “Morning After Pill Pursuit: Hangover Edition.” It’s sort of like Monopoly – but with more abortion. Dibs on the top hat.”

    hahahaha, made my day ~

  24. brian

    SHES FUCKING GROSS. She needs to take those stupid fucking glasses off and go back to the trailer park where her white trash looking ass belongs.

  25. If you renamed your house The Superficial Rehab Center you could get them all to come drink with you! It’d be awesome.

  26. blp

    Broke up because of her partying is the lamest excuse I ever heard for a break up. They broke up because of Jake’s anal adventures. “Jake didn’t dig Kirsten’s partying.” His definition of partying was different to Kirsten’s, his was Kirsten with a strap on dressed as a cowboy.

  27. La Frascatana

    More false stories are circulated about Jake than about anyone else. This is as believable as saying “Lindsay Lohan was driven back to the clubs by ex-lover Alan Cumming, who dumped her on Valentine’s Day.”

    This has nothing to do with Jake. Nothing having to do with the distaff member of the species has anything to do with Jake. Dunst drinks because 24 is the mid-life crisis age for starlets. Actually it’s more like a late-life crisis.

  28. mearl

    the last sentence is probably the funniest I’ve read on here, nice work. “Morning After Pill Pursuit: Hangover Edition.” It’s sort of like Monopoly – but with more abortion. Dibs on the top hat.

  29. No kidding D. Richards (worm-snake, all purpose whore)

    I am as serious at the rash you gave your mother on the lips. property to me that you are. Yes, you are now officially my property, Dad-e-o. I mean like an old pig to a ham sandwich, you don’t quite cut the mustard and I keep you alive now – worthless – as something to laugh at. What else is left for you? Defenseless, toothless, stretched about the mouth and anus. Where do old fags go?
    I give you permission to retort (of you can muster the mental power).
    Here Dick Dicks, here girl!
    ( *Dude * for God sakes trim your pubic hair. Skinny legs, baggy underwear with black tangles of pubic hair hangin’ out must be a horror for the old men that you pay to let you suck their silver belly cocks. Lord knows we all here want our little dick dicks to get “laid” if being sodomized is considered that)
    Just saying Bro

  30. kirsten dunst

    # 29 take a chill pill and wack it a few times to the above picture. you’ll feel better.

  31. Me

    Hehe…the star-struck girls in the background crack me up.

  32. blp

    La Frascatana, do you know Jake? How do you know 24 is the mid-life crisis age for starlets, are you one of them?

  33. but …..
    she is still a good gal

    her new pics are seeen at , a lot of her fans are there holding a grand party..

  34. stephanie

    Writers on here are never supposed to like Kirsten Dunst.
    In fact, the first time I came to this site was because my friend was showing me a story about Kirsten. You know, such phrases as “vampire troll”– but never “She needs to go to my house. We can get liquored up and inevitably end up playing my favorite game: ‘Morning After Pill Pursuit: Hangover Edition.’”
    The times are definitely changing!

  35. D. Richards (Pedo.)

    #29? I buzz-trim my entire crotch and shave my balls, and dick. Dick hates when pubic hair becomes entagled — or worse, when you sit on those really long hairs that dangle from your nuts — the way the scrotum pulls and writhes in agony. How I hate that. Richards also enjoys being, oh so exposed.

    Where’s you wind now, preacher? Your entire joke was predicated upon the belief that ol’ Little Dicks is horribly bushed. Not so. Tee-Hee.

  36. did she ever get pregnant..

  37. did she ever get pregnant..

  38. Dick Richards (Touching toes.)

    I almost forgot, #29. Butt-property? Am I your butt-property now?

    You silly devil, you. So dirty. You’re a dirty girl. Dirty!

    You can be Dick Dicks’s father. Father was always so hands ‘on’. You remind me of him: I’m a much better writer than he.

  39. Of course she turned to heavily consuming alcohol after breaking up with Jake Gyllenhaal. He is heaven on earth, no doubt. If I had Jake Gyllenhaal and I somehow messed things up… I would definitely end up in rehab.

    You are also fucking hilarious. Love you.

  40. alan

    She’s ugly, but in a semi-hot way. She looks like the perfect ugly girl for a really good fuck. I’d go at her for hours, leave before she wakes up, and never call.

  41. kiki219

    all of you are disgusting. this is why i would rather be lesbo or bi or even asexual, so that i could use guys for sex and then ditch them w/o having to deal with their immature and idiotic comments/thoughts. guys think they are cool by talking nasty shit about girls, but it just makes you look like fucking idiots to any quality girl out there, such as myself. over the years i have heard to guys talk, and growing up with a dad who was also a wanna-be-womanizer, i am over it. i am beyond hope, and realize taht you are all mentally fucked in the head with ur immature comments, and ur faggot-ass ineuendos.

    on the other hand. i used to hate KD, but after seeing her be annorexic, and an alcoholic, i feel some empathy and sympathy for her, and i can relate. maybe she turned alcoholic b/c she is bored with how pathetic the selection of decent guys is out there. if there are any decent guys, then they are probably taken… so drink up girly to escape the boredom and idiocy of the male race.

  42. Kate

    Sorry Kirsten Dunst,

    we know that Jake Gyllenhaal is gay, that he dumped you so he could be with his boyfriend, but we also know that you abused alcohol and drugs long before you met him.

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