Kirk Cameron’s Talking Again

The Superficial / August 21, 2014

When Heaven Is For Real came out, I made the mistake of responding to my mother’s interest in seeing it by pointing out how demonstrably full of shit and pandering it is instead of staring at her blankly and waiting for the words to stop. I know better. She then responded with the profound statement of, “Hollywood’s not just going to start making Christian movies for the money,” because naturally Hollywood’s in the Satan business, and it isn’t going to betray its Dark Master just to make buckets upon buckets of easy money from group ticket sales to churches. You can’t even buy hookers and coke with that. It’s imbued with special God magic that bursts into flames if your intentions aren’t pure. Anyway, now that I’ve shown you the axe I’m about to grind, here’s Kirk Cameron promoting his new movie Mercy Rule which is always a special time for me thanks to the abundance of low hanging Jesus-fruit. FOX News reports because of course:

But how did an 18-year-old actor find God on the set of “Growing Pains” at the height of his success?
“I think eventually if people are thoughtful you start asking grown up questions like, ‘How did the world get started? Where did we come from? Where are we going? Why are we here?’ and I guess when I, as a child, I just sort of had blind faith in the fairytale that they way we got here was from goo to the zoo to you,” he told FOX411. “I finally said that doesn’t sound right and someone took me to church and kind of opened my eyes to what I believe is the truth about who we are and why we’re here.”

“Sure, a scientific method that’s constantly evaluating data for accuracy sounds good on paper. But I wanted something more concrete than the closest thing to facts you can get in this world. Which is why as soon as I heard about two naked people being dropped into a magic garden with a talking snake, I knew I had found the answer. No more fairy tales for this guy. Except for my fictional movies starring fictional characters responding to fictional events. Those are because my wife and I can never find anything good on.”

“My wife and I are always looking for a great new movie to watch on movie night and it’s hard to find films that are fun and inspiring and that are going to build up our faith in God and our strength as a family. So we decided we would make one and we made it right here in our own backyard with a local little league team and it’s a movie where family learn the lessons of mercy, patience, sacrifice and trusting God.”

“And the best part is we’re so bored from watching it, that we don’t give into the carnal pleasures of the flesh afterward. Not that I’m judging how other people live their lives. Your wife’s vagina is your God-given property. You do with it as you see fit. I mainly store scripts and old film equipment in mine, but again, your business.”

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter