Kirk Cameron’s Talking Again

August 21st, 2014 // 63 Comments
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When Heaven Is For Real came out, I made the mistake of responding to my mother’s interest in seeing it by pointing out how demonstrably full of shit and pandering it is instead of staring at her blankly and waiting for the words to stop. I know better. She then responded with the profound statement of, “Hollywood’s not just going to start making Christian movies for the money,” because naturally Hollywood’s in the Satan business, and it isn’t going to betray its Dark Master just to make buckets upon buckets of easy money from group ticket sales to churches. You can’t even buy hookers and coke with that. It’s imbued with special God magic that bursts into flames if your intentions aren’t pure. Anyway, now that I’ve shown you the axe I’m about to grind, here’s Kirk Cameron promoting his new movie Mercy Rule which is always a special time for me thanks to the abundance of low hanging Jesus-fruit. FOX News reports because of course:

But how did an 18-year-old actor find God on the set of “Growing Pains” at the height of his success?
“I think eventually if people are thoughtful you start asking grown up questions like, ‘How did the world get started? Where did we come from? Where are we going? Why are we here?’ and I guess when I, as a child, I just sort of had blind faith in the fairytale that they way we got here was from goo to the zoo to you,” he told FOX411. “I finally said that doesn’t sound right and someone took me to church and kind of opened my eyes to what I believe is the truth about who we are and why we’re here.”

“Sure, a scientific method that’s constantly evaluating data for accuracy sounds good on paper. But I wanted something more concrete than the closest thing to facts you can get in this world. Which is why as soon as I heard about two naked people being dropped into a magic garden with a talking snake, I knew I had found the answer. No more fairy tales for this guy. Except for my fictional movies starring fictional characters responding to fictional events. Those are because my wife and I can never find anything good on.”

“My wife and I are always looking for a great new movie to watch on movie night and it’s hard to find films that are fun and inspiring and that are going to build up our faith in God and our strength as a family. So we decided we would make one and we made it right here in our own backyard with a local little league team and it’s a movie where family learn the lessons of mercy, patience, sacrifice and trusting God.”

“And the best part is we’re so bored from watching it, that we don’t give into the carnal pleasures of the flesh afterward. Not that I’m judging how other people live their lives. Your wife’s vagina is your God-given property. You do with it as you see fit. I mainly store scripts and old film equipment in mine, but again, your business.”

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  1. JC

    Credit where credit is due, the guy knows how to make an exciting trailer. I’ve never been so excited to see a movie centered around Little League practice and somebody’s wife talking on the phone.

  2. Never go full retard, Kirk.

    • Waaaaay too late for that.

    • Mr. White

      No kidding. Kirk Cameron is the reason wars happen, since it’s because of ignorant clowns like him that follow the wrong causes.

      Kirk Cameron bio:
      1st He is over whelmed by the stardom he got from growing pains.
      2nd Like a crazy person or Dave Chapelle (sorry Dave) then he ran away.
      3rd He was was so over whelmed he thought that Christianity would calm his nerves and save him from all the evil he calls being popular.
      4th He unprofessionally forced the producers on Growing Pains to change his character into a square Christian. It’s a character you ignorant tool. If Heath Ledger were like him then The Joker would have been a G rated good guy.

  3. “My wife and I are always looking for a great new movie to watch on movie night and it’s hard to find films that are fun and inspiring and that are going to build up our faith in God and our strength as a family.”

    Clearly this man has never seen “Hot Rod.”

  4. “My wife and I are always looking for a great new movie to watch on movie night and it’s hard to find films that are fun and inspiring and that are going to build up our faith in God and our strength as a family.”

    Clearly this man has never seen “Weekend at Bernie’s”…

  5. Miley Cyrusis aslut

    Clearly this man has no idea what the words “Fun” and “Inspiring” actually mean….Think: Kelly Brook naked, rolling in the surf..Fun to watch, inspires an instant response and if that body doesn’t prove God exists…….Well, Kirk…you need more help than anyone on this planet can give you….Better call God, for an immediate exacuation.

  6. Another family oriented snoozer from Kirk Cameron…I’ll alert the media.

    Cameron’s last movie only made $33 million, on a $500k production budget…wait, that doesnt’ seem right. But celebritynetworth.com says he’s only personally worth $20 million…wtf?

    I’m not sure how much of this banana act is for real, or just acting…but this “Jesus is cool” thing seems to pay off pretty well. Where do I sign up?

  7. Sorry Kirk, but how can anyone live in a world where Kim Kardashian makes $80 million putting her name on a video game and Farrah Abraham makes $500k as a stripper, and believe there is a God?

  8. I would totally bang his wife.

    It would be missionary style of course. And I wouldn’t enjoy it of course. It would strictly be for making more soldiers for god.

  9. people who deny science and perpetuate the ridiculous religious notions of ‘creationism’ should not be tolerated. enough with the ‘discourse’. its retarding the intellectual growth of all mankind, and has been for too long a time.

    people like Kirky boy and Dinesh D’Souza should be booed, shunned and ridiculed at every opportunity. enough with theocratic bullying and the ever-shrinking line between church and state.

    TAX THE FUCKING CHURCHES, end the insanity.

  10. dontkillthemessenger

    “Goo to the zoo to you?”

    That shit’s too scienmatifical for me.

  11. Paul

    I got to 1:52… come on, that’s longer than I ever sat through Growing Pains.

  12. Hmm

    Sigh, this dude. I imagine Stephen Baldwin won’t be far behind now.

  13. After watching that trailer, I bet even Ned Flanders would want to shake him by the shoulders.

  14. Andy

    “from goo to the zoo to you”

    Evangelical Christians are so twisted. I can’t believe he admitted that his wife snowballs with the family dog.

  15. Why do people who are that obsessed with faith always feel the need to have everything that surrounds them be faith-oriented? If any one little thing in their life isn’t screaming Jesus, they lose their focus and are distracted into a life of Satanic submission. It just shows you how weak they are in the first place that their entire gullible being exists only with the constant support of the Jesus machine.

    • You answered your own question. They know they’re clinging to a lie and need constant reinforcement to keep the indoctrination fresh.

    • What’s even funnier is that these insufferable holy rollers who shove their faith into other people’s faces, seem to have forgotten what Jesus said about the subject: “And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others.” Matthew 6:5

    • Wasn’t there a quote with Jesus about the church is yourself your faith, that you don’t need a church or organized religion because he saw the problem with men in using tactics to get money and participation out of people through fear so that fits.

      I agree with contusion. Nothing wrong with faith or believing, but when you have problems with normal stuff in life unless it’s faith based, you’re a very weak person who needs a steady stream of suds on the brain to not feel threatened and that’s sad.

      • It’s not just the “steady stream of suds” (love that, btw). It’s ironic that faith is actually NOT enough for Cameron et al – they need, and want, absolute proof of God’s existence, and run around thinking they’ve found it in things like human genetically-modified bananas. They don’t seem to grasp that if that evidence was so clear, and God’s existence was that easily proven, there would be no doubt, and no need for faith at all.

  16. anticon

    dude’s pupils are so pinned, i believe he’s high on more than just god

  17. It’ll come out in a few years, after they find him passed out on smack, face down with a dildo in his ass, an empty bottle of Goldschlager in one hand, and a half smoked joint rolled in a bible page in the other, that Alan Thicke gave him the ol’ Sandusky…

  18. celchu478

    I guess the love scene between him and his wife is on the cutting room floor. Damn. Where is Candace? I suppose that 3 way was cut too. Dammit Kirk, there is no reason for me to watch now.

  19. Wally's Beaver

    The Jesus shtick certainly is making Kirk more money than he would have post-Growing Pains. That’s the reason he praises him.

  20. Seeing that second quote I have to ask, what is wrong exactly if a movie isn’t all just about christian morals? Just because that isn’t what’s there start to end with some lesson doesn’t suddenly make a movie bad let alone unwatchable or evil. Sometimes a good adventure or action movie can be very fun, but I guess when you’re 18 and you get your mind thrown through the blender after growing up hollywood it’s easy to fall in line with the crazies whatever form they take. He took the uber christian fanatic route while others got into the cult of xenu. If he’s just step it back a bit, live the morals, believe the stories, but still respect reality and where science fact takes over he’d be a lot more credible to far more people.

  21. Leila

    I’m so confused. Why do they need films to build up their faith and strengthen their family? By that logic, if I need help in my marriage, I should look to movies to fix the problem? Doesn’t say much about the strength of his conviction or relationships, except both must be pretty fucking fragile if movies are what’s needed. Anyway, I still like this funny or die video–CCOKC–about Kirk’s piece of shit anti-gay stance:

    http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/b6ddedd57e/ccokc-child-celebrities-opposing-kirk-cameron

  22. Slash

    Your mom sounds like my mom. My condolences.

  23. Sorry. After watching some of that trailer I had to go brush my teeth to get the vomit taste out of my mouth. Otherwise I would have been here sooner…That guy is a weeny. But I’d definitely boink his wife.

  24. Swearin

    Hey don’t make fun of Kirk Cameron or he might send Alan Thicke after you, and that’s just two degrees from Miley Cyrus and her forked demon-tongue and sin booty

  25. Tyrannosaurus Flex

    I’ll just leave this here, and be on my way. If someone already posted it, it’s cool, because I’m innumerate.

    http://www.deathandtaxesmag.com/226596/holy-crap-i-watched-gods-not-dead-so-you-dont-have-to/

  26. Christian Numerologist

    Kirk Cameron is actually Satan’s minion. It’s been an open secret for awhile, and this trailer proves it.

    To the uninitiated, the trailer may seem innocent, but notice the length–total time 3:33–three minutes and 33 seconds. If you use this simple formula: 3+3=6*3=18, you’ll realize that 18 divided by 3 is 6, three sixes, the number of the Beast.

    All who have watched this trailer are likely already lost to the Adversary. Thankfully, I didn’t watch it, but I will still be reading the Bible tonight as I always do, to fortify my soul.

  27. What would Jesus do? I don’t know, but I bet he wouldn’t watch that movie.

  28. 1) KC sounds like a dad trying to convince his kids that they’re going to have a great time cleaning out the attic: “kids, we’re gonna have so much fun! You might even find some old toys! And when we’re done, we’ll go get ice cream. Won’t that be great?!”

    2) He has so much faith in everyone else, that the trailer is a montage with “hard core” guitar to show how intense all the G rated scenes are gonna be.

  29. That is one white, white, whi-hi-hiiiiiiiite trailer.

  30. Laurel

    Am I the only person who thought that trailer looked exactly like a paper towel commercial?

  31. “it’s a movie where family learn the lessons of mercy, patience, sacrifice and trusting God.”

    Well that certainly sounds like the most dreadfully boring piece of shit anyone has ever slowly salivated onto celluloid.

    Have some Foetus.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKzcMjmlP_o

  32. Why is it easier to accept something intangible as always existing but when it comes to something tangible, like the universe, it’s absurd?

    Titties!!!

  33. ‘Sup, Kirk Cameron? Oliver Cromwell here; ya know I used to be Lord Protector of England. Kind of a big deal when it comes to religious zealotry. In fact, I canceled Christmas (ain’t in the Bible, yo!).
    Anywho, as I once famously said “Who can love to walk in the dark? But Providence doth often so dispose.” In other words: lighten up, Mike Seaver.

  34. Careful, Fish. You’re going to owe John Travolta another apology.

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