Kim Kardashian calls out The Superficial

By: The Superficial / May 30, 2008

Kim Kardashian has taken umbrage with my clearly scientific debate regarding her buttpads. Check out her latest blog entry (NOTE: I took the liberty of un-editing all the a–‘s. My replacements in italics.):

OMG! When will people get off my atrium, literally! Haha. I have said it a million times before and I’ll say it again: My booty is as real as the designer items I’m auctioning off on eBay.
The reason I bring this up is because those jokesters at the Superficial claimed that I wear foam panties. NOT TRUE! (And I don’t stuff ‘em with Charmin either).
I think my photo shoots clearly prove I don’t wear butt pads!
To all you non-believers at the Superficial, kiss my REAL and GORGEOUS amphitheater!
XOXO,
Kim

I’ve accepted Kim’s challenge and included the Ralph Lauren photo shoot she presents as proof of her natural assy-ness. Now on to the scrutiny!

Set 1: You’re either making the most valid argument in the history of debate or really have to pee. Analysis: Inconclusive.

Set 2: Do that underwear thing again. I can’t research in these conditions. Analysis: BOO!

Set 3: Ha! Mirrors don’t fool me. You’ve been hanging out with Criss Angel, haven’t you? Bad, Kim Kardashian! Bad! Analysis: Not convinced.

Set 4: Okay, now you’re just sitting on your butt. If you’re not going to take this thing seriously, I’m taking off my pants. Analysis: I need me a gypsy tent.

Set 5: Nipples will only get you everywhere. Analysis: Whatever she says is true.

Set 6: Are you trying to knock down that wall? No, wait, you gotta pee again. Lady, go easy on the Aquafina. Christ. Analysis: What were we talking about again? If it’s boobs, I’m all over it.

DIAGNOSIS: BUTTPAD!
Sorry, Kim, but hey, I’m a reasonable guy. You can invite me over to your house and we’ll make some science. Namely through the time-tested method of my hands/your butt.* But, remember, it’s all for the children. Those sweet, sweet children that I should probably wrangle up. Anyone got a net?

*Tears of joy emitted from The Superficial Writer do not invalidate claims of buttpad’s presence. The Superficial Writer also reserves the right to free said buttpad and use it as a decorative throw pillow in a room of his choosing. Buttpad may also double as a frisbee. Whee!