Kanye West’s Semen Is Affecting Kim Kardashian’s Mind

“Come to dickhead…”

Granted, this theory presupposes that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West actually have sex – Have you seen the results of a DNA test for North West? I have not seen the results of a DNA test for North West. – but either Kanye’s sperm is making Kim talk like him, or he’s writing her tweets now which makes way more sense, and I have no idea why I didn’t lead with that. *sips coffee mug full of gin* It’s a total mystery.

So apparently we’re supposed to believe Kim refers to herself in the third person as Kiki, or Keeks, which to me is way more ridiculous than anything Bruce Jenner has done because a woman trapped in a man’s body is instantly more believable than Kim Kardashian possessing one iota of a personality. She’s the human equivalent of oatmeal if oatmeal could sustain giant tits and a butt so large it blots out the sun which, trust me, it can’t. There were.. complications. (Goddamn Quaker Oats man, I WILL FIND YOU.)

Photo: Getty