Martha Stewart Wrote About Kim Kardashian For TIME

TIME’s 100 Most Influential People is the annual feature an old media machine used to rely on to move shit-tons of units by slapping a bunch of famous names on a cover, but now it’s already irrelevant by the time it’s been edited, to the point where Kanye’s dropping “truth bombs” in it and Martha fucking Stewart wrote a glowing piece about Kim Kardashian. A piece I will now gleefully tear apart paragraph by paragraph on a site that’s biding its time until a photo agency clears us to publish shots of a “chubby” Selena Gomez in a bikini. It’s the Internet, we’re awful:

The first lady of #fame

Ok, I’ll start with a compliment. Hashtags are dead now at least. Martha Stewart just used one like that, so now that shit’s over. We fleek?

Kim Kardashian is a media phenomenon. She has 29 million followers on Instagram and 31 million followers on Twitter, and her E! show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, is considered appointment TV by a large and diverse audience.

Being famous for being famous is emulated by almost 10% of the American population. Anyone else willing to take a new look at Sharia Law?

Why? Why? Why? we might ask ourselves. Here are some very good reasons.

None of these are going to be “most successful homemade porn of all time,” “grotesque oddity of an ass,” or “giant, giant breasts” are they?

Beautiful in an exotic, totally exaggerated way, Kim exudes energy, sexuality, drama, determination, impetuousness and happiness. But she and her famous, entrepreneurial siblings—shepherded by a savvy, tireless matriarch—have also expanded the very definition of family.

The mother, the dark goddess, transcends time and space and will stop at nothing to squeeze every last drop of limelight out of her now dead husks of offspring.

The Kardashians are a totally modern construct. They are a blended family, of Armenian descent, with biracial pairings (Kim is married to Kanye West) and a reportedly transgender parent. They work hard, and they stick together through thick and thin.

“Thick” in this case referencing Rob, who’s currently eating himself to death as a per his contract for not testing well with millennials.

Despite the flamboyance, the self-aggrandizement and the self-promotion (Kim set out to break the Internet by baring her bum in an extraordinary photograph), Kim comes across as an enviable big sister in a clan where everyone seems to love one another. Are they indeed today’s Brady Bunch?

Everyone remembers the episode where Marsha’s sex tape rockets the family to stardom, resulting in everyone getting divorced, going to rehab, trasngedering (?), and Cindy getting statutory raped by a rapper, right?

Where does Kim go from here? There seem to be very few barriers to further explosive success.

Honestly, at this point I just say we make her President and embrace the horror. American cultural relevancy is such a goddamned joke nobody around the world would bat an eye if we elected a butt with branded perfume bottles sticking out of it. “Fine, the cow can have it’s hoof on the button, but you guys are still buying all this bullshit we force child slaves to make, right?” “Uh huh.” “Deal.”

Photo: Fame/Flynet, Vantagenews/Xposure/AKM-GSI