Kim Kardashian Wants To Buy Back The Rights To Her Sex Tape

A “mystery buyer” (Read: Kim Kardashian.) has reportedly hired a Tennessee lawyer to purchase all the rights to Kim Kardashian Sex Tape from Vivid, so just assume this is the result of Kim’s fake wedding – [Edit: Which I’m now realizing was nothing more than a fundraiser for this little adventure.] – being overshadowed by the increased sales of her sex tape by horny Irishmen. TMZ reports:

“I was approached by a private party who has asked us about looking into the possibility of acquiring all rights of the Vivid, ‘Kim Kardashian Sex Tape.'”
The lawyer adds, “The party we represent does not intend to distribute or broadcast the ‘tape,’ but hopes to completely remove it from the market.”
The buyer also wants to purchase all of the raw, unused footage (sex tape outtakes) that never made it to the DVD.

In the extremely unlikely event the “private party” isn’t Kim or her mom, because it’s them, it’s time we admit to ourselves as a country that giving the rich tax breaks does absolutely jackshit to create jobs, but instead just perpetuates situations like this:

MILLIONAIRE #1: How do you like my new tiger elephant hybrid? I call him, “Simon.”
MILLIONAIRE #2: Bravo, bravo, but do feast your eyes upon this. *presses remote*
MILLIONAIRE #1: My word, is that the Kim Kardashian golden shower scene?
MILLIONAIRE #2: I now own the entire distribution rights.
MILLIONAIRE #1: I do believe I’ve been bested.
GWYNETH PALTROW: And I do believe I’ve found myself moistened in the hand-woven panties made from the rarest of silkworms. Wouldst thou do me upon the veranda?

Based on a True Story.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Flynet, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News