The Kim Kardashian Robbery Suspects Were Caught? How Convenient

On Friday, E! dropped a new promo for Keeping Up With The Kardashians that made it very clear that Kim Kardashian’s Paris robbery is going to be front and center in the new season despite all that horseshit about how she’s a totally private person now who’s going to do things different, you guys. So what better timing for the French police to arrest 17 suspects this morning? I don’t want to sound like a conspiracy nut, but I also don’t want to sound like someone who doesn’t recognize that Kris Jenner is Satan and holds dominion over the earth. I’m a journalist, goddammit. TMZ reports:

The masked robbers who bound and gagged Kim Kardashian should have watched ‘CSI’ before pulling off the heist, because they may have been nabbed because they left their DNA behind.
Law enforcement sources tell us cops found DNA from at least one and possibly 2 robbers on the gag they used to silence Kim.
We’re also told the surveillance video of the robbers bicycling away from Kim’s apartment helped cops in their hunt.

According to CNN, the ages of the suspects range from 23 to 73 and include both males and females. According to Photo Boy, some of them probably look exactly like paparazzi who’ve been following Kim for years. And according to me, he’s probably right, and I’m guessing this happened a lot during the arrests.

“Non, non! Ze Devil Woman said zis wouldn’t happen! We had ze deal! We had ze deal! It was for ze television sho- AHH! Non, I can feel her in my head! Her demon claws… zay are… scratching my mind! Nonnnn…” *dies bleeding from the eyes and ears as everyone makes the Sign of the Cross but it’s too late for them*

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Photos: Xposure/AKM-GSI