Everything You Could Die Happy Never Knowing About Kim & Kanye’s Wedding

May 27th, 2014 // 37 Comments

For those of you who spent Memorial Day weekend in a joyfully ignorant bliss-bubble of friends, family and alcohol, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West got married on Saturday. So to get this over with as quickly as possible, here are all the highlights I painstakingly cobbled together because I know how much you hate doing work the day after a holiday. Or any day if I’m being honest. I seriously don’t know how half of you even have jobs. (Never change.) On to the bullshit!

Jaden Smith Dressed Up As White Batman

Apparently Jaden Smith showed up as White Batman, and I say this with complete sincerity, but I could stop this post right now and you’d be armed with literally the only information you could ever possibly need to know about this horseshit parade: Will Smith‘s annoying-as-shit son wore a Batman costume the whole time, and no one stopped him because he’s Will Smith’s annoying-as-shit son.

Jaden Smith White Batman

And for the record, yes, that’s Joe Francis, so I don’t know how the words “regal” and “a dignified affair” aren’t being used more often. It’s a fucking mystery.

Beyonce & Jay Z Had Better Shit To Do

It had already been rumored that Jay Z and Beyonce were going to skip Kim and Kanye’s wedding because they didn’t build their musical empire just to be extras on a goddamn reality show. But that was before Jay Z agreed to be Kanye’s best man, so it’s not like he’s going to just bail and go to the Hamptons. That’d be a giant “fuck you,” right? Us Weekly reports:

It turns out that not all A-list invitees decided to head to Europe for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s long-awaited nuptials. Multiple sources reveal exclusively to Us Weekly that Beyonce and husband Jay Z bailed on the couple’s Florence, Italy wedding today.
The pair, instead, decided to head to the Hamptons during the Memorial Day Weekend holiday, sources tell Us. (Vogue’s Anna Wintour also declined their invitation due to a family obligation.)

And while this was almost the baller thing Jay Z would ever do in his life, Beyonce ruined it by giving Kim Kardashian the one thing she wants most in the world for a wedding gift: Indirect acknowledgment that she’s a person Kanye West has sex with.

Adding… If the whole Solange elevator fiasco was just a ruse to skip the wedding, these people deserve to be powerful Masonic wizards in the Illuminati. They earned it.

The New York Post

The New York Post ran this wedding announcement in their print edition. Your bubbie didn’t get it.

Rob Kardashian Bailed Because He’s Fat

After being hassled by his family to at least be in one photo, Rob Kardashian flew back to LA the night before the wedding where nobody gave a shit because it’s not like he’s going to be in a sex tape people want to see anytime soon, amirite? I’m right. We’ve already spent too many words here. Next topic!

Lana Del Rey Got Paid $2.8 Million To Sing This Song

At Kim Kardashian’s request – via Kanye West’s $2.8 million, of course – Lana Del Rey performed this song for wedding guests:

The song asks, “Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?” which is funny because the answer is, “Hahahahaha, no.”

Justin Bieber’s Fans Stormed The City

According to Gawker, a fucking army of Beliebers stormed Florence because The Maple One was reportedly supposed to attend. Which he didn’t because even Justin Bieber had better shit to do. And while that sounds like a sick burn, he legitimately did have something better to do inside a model’s vagina while I masturbated to YouPorn next to a stack of comic books. — What? That was a joke about me never getting laid. Why’s everybody looking at me?

Nothing Here Is Relevant To Anyone In Any Way. Get To The Over/Under.

A year and a day. Year and a day.

NOTE: Just so we’re clear, I’m not making any guarantees that this will be the last post I write about this clown show. We’re dealing with master famewhores who wouldn’t think twice about murdering guests just to stay on TMZ’s front page. Or talking Rob into committing suicide which now that I say that out loud almost definitely happened. Someone check his apartment. Near the fridge!

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  1. You Could Be Happy Knowing Kim & Kanye Died At Their Wedding

    There, fixed it. (Hey, I can dream, can’t I?)

  2. anonymous

    The only thing worse than all the crap media coverage of this wedding is the inevitable crap media coverage of their divorce.

  3. “Well, I would have had some of my guests murdered to stay on the front page, but goddamn Rob just HAD to skip the wedding. Fucking pussy virgin killer stealing my Kim’s headlines.” – Kris Jenner

  4. Cock Dr

    And they lived happily ever after in their pee scented penthouse.

    • Urine no position to make that prediction.

    • 1-900-URINE-ADDICT

      Please, help send Kim to Peehab. She is addicted to getting pissed on, and this will not stop just because she is married. She will actively seek out semi-famous black men to urinate all over her writhing naked body. Please get her the help she needs before it’s too late.

  5. Marketing Mike

    I guarantee “Mommy” filmed scenes for the divorce show
    WHILE they were filming the wedding, just like they did for
    Back to the Future 2, 3, and 4. Can’t wait for the divorce,
    I’m guessing 90 days over/under.

  6. The Most Interesting

    Santorum predicted this, you know.

    Once you legalize teh gays, it’s a slope that inevitably leads to prissy bitch-bovine marriage.

  7. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Pre Wedding Kanye West Paris
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    “:Did everyone get a good clear shot of my tits?”

  8. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Pre Wedding Kanye West Paris
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    “Try to get a nice closeup of my daughter’s tits…goddammit no excuses she makes it easy enough to get the shot”.
    “We’ll only unveil the baby when you cross my hand with silver, lots and lots of silver”.

  9. yomero

    And Bieber was busy going to Monaco to the Formula 1 Grand Prix and trying to convince Alonso to fuck him in the ass. And to everyone’s relief Alonso was too busy and told him to fuck off.

  10. Ozymandias

    A perfect match – a big ass famous for being pissed off and a big ass famous for being pissed on.

  11. I’ve got to go contrarian on the prop bet – I’m taking the over.

  12. Forget the wedding. It’s the divorce that will be interesting.

    While I don’t wish ill on anybody (well, a few people, they know who they are), I don’t believe this marriage will last:

    1. It’s a celebrity marriage. Strike one!
    2. They spent millions on the wedding. Or rather, Kanye did. The more elaborate the wedding, the shorter it lasts. Strike two!
    3. If we are being correct, Kim’s full name now is Kim Kardashian-Thomas-Humphries-West. Strike three!

  13. I like the expression on the baby’s face:

    “Did you just take a picture of me with my ass-hat parents? You’re not gonna Photoshop my mom then Instagram it are you? Promise me you’re not gonna Photoshop my mom then- Look at you! You’re gonna Photoshop my mom then Instagram it! God-fucking-damnit, I hate everything!”

  14. G Cornelius

    Disgrossting whore. And I can not get over how physically repulsive Kanye is, that jaw, that goatee…

  15. Holy shit! Gay marriage DID lead to men marrying animals!

  16. Seriously, is Jaden Smith retarded? I get a 16 year old not wanting to wear a normal suit, but dressing up as Batman to a wedding? If he’s not retarded, then he may end up surpassing Justin on the “Biggest Douche Bag” list.

  17. Jaden Smith, Jesus Christ…

    Ain’t nobody pay that bitch $2.8 million to sing that song, she’s not fucking Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey or Celine Dion. I am convinced half these numbers you hear thrown around for celebrity appearances, club openings etc etc are utter horseshit purely to increase their appeal. When I see actual proof maybe I would believe it. If these people really got paid like that, how the hell after all these decades Madonna, Celine, Mariah Carey and a whole bunch of other people are not billionaires?

    How shitty a person are you that your brother gets on a plane and does not attend your wedding? Also kudos to Jay Z and Beyonce not attending, that was a wonderful fuck you to the new couple.

    • El Jefe plaintively demanded: “how the hell after all these decades Madonna, Celine, Mariah Carey and a whole bunch of other people are not billionaires?”

      Let’s see…

      1. Agent takes 20% off the top
      2. Government takes another 40%
      3. You have to pay a staff to maintain your multiple mansions
      4. You have to pay an army of very expensive bodyguards to keep people like El Jefe away

      These expenses add up

      • Forty percent for the government? What, you think these dimbulbs don’t have financial advisers and tax shelters? C’mon, Ronnie, you know better than that. (Not to mention you neglected to note alcohol and pharmaceutical expenses.)

      • Sancho

        Booze and blow easily take up 5 percent.

      • She thinks she knows it all, but she doesn’t. Also nobody at that level is paying their fucking agent 20%, hell they aren’t doing that in the beginning. My NBA neighbor pays his agent less than 10%.

        Even if you ignore reality and assume her suppositions are correct, assuming Lana Del Ray could command $2.8 million for a performance, than you could assume that for private performances Tier 1 singers like Beyonce and Celine and Mariah would get $5 million a performance. So let’s say they quit doing concerts and whatnot, ignore their record sales and they just did private performances, and did them 40 weeks of the year you are looking at gross earnings of $200 million a year. Over a multi-decade career I think you would be able to easily hit the billion dollar number.

        But I will make it easier to flesh out the bullshit. Celine makes about $500,000 a show in Vegas. If you could make $2.8 million singing a song or two at a wedding, why the hell would you do an entire show and only make $500,000?

      • Beyonce herself only got $1 million for performing for Gadhafi, and that was a tougher gig because her employer could have shot her if he wanted to.

        Ignoring the rest of your unhinged rant. Stay off the Wild Turkey, son, your liver has done surrendered like Lee at Appomattox.

  18. By my calculations, the union of this much vapid narcissism should have produced a critical mass chain reaction, resulting in most of the Italian sub-continent vanishing up it’s own asshole.

    I’m not sure where I went wrong….dammit! I forgot to convert to Newtons. It seems they were 10 mili-kanye’s short of critical. I can’t blame Rob though, his fat shamed self loathing wouldn’t have helped any.

  19. anonym

    So when’s her next wedding I won’t give a shit about ?

  20. I kinda like Lana Del Rey’s voice. Other than that, I can’t find any leftover fucks to give.

  21. Oh this totally explains the elevator incident. If I were Jay-Z I’d let Solange fist-fuck me in the middle of Grand Central Station if I thought it’d get me out of this wedding.

  22. The wedding is over and the money has changed hands. Now we get to wait to see how long it will be before Kris Jenner releases (of course not directly) the first of the photo’s documenting Kayne’s Down Low activities?

    Probably just in time for the start of the fall season of “keeping up with the kardashians” so we can follow the separation/sex addict rehab and finally the divorce.

  23. I wonder when the E! special announcing their divorce is. Fuck Jaden Smith. What a fucking asshole. How did that come out of a guy as charming and likeable as Will Smith?

    • Everybody who has worked with Will Smith says he’s an arrogant asshole. You’re mixing up his public with his private persona.

      Hate to break it to you, but the REAL John Wayne was a whiny pussy who spent all of World War Two dodging the draft.

  24. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Pre Wedding Kanye West Paris
    Whoever
    Commented on this photo:

    WTF happened to her forehead? Looks like someone cut out her face and put it on a random head, and let their 5-year-old adjust the weave…

  25. Dr. Juan

    Clearly a pathetic low self esteem hoe on the narcissistic spectrum. Who married her mirror personality.

  26. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Pre Wedding Kanye West Paris
    Dr. Juan
    Commented on this photo:

    The face is getting uglier. At one time she was way more natural looking.

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