For those of you who spent Memorial Day weekend in a joyfully ignorant bliss-bubble of friends, family and alcohol, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West got married on Saturday. So to get this over with as quickly as possible, here are all the highlights I painstakingly cobbled together because I know how much you hate doing work the day after a holiday. Or any day if I’m being honest. I seriously don’t know how half of you even have jobs. (Never change.) On to the bullshit!
Jaden Smith Dressed Up As White Batman
Apparently Jaden Smith showed up as White Batman, and I say this with complete sincerity, but I could stop this post right now and you’d be armed with literally the only information you could ever possibly need to know about this horseshit parade: Will Smith‘s annoying-as-shit son wore a Batman costume the whole time, and no one stopped him because he’s Will Smith’s annoying-as-shit son.
And for the record, yes, that’s Joe Francis, so I don’t know how the words “regal” and “a dignified affair” aren’t being used more often. It’s a fucking mystery.
Beyonce & Jay Z Had Better Shit To Do
It had already been rumored that Jay Z and Beyonce were going to skip Kim and Kanye’s wedding because they didn’t build their musical empire just to be extras on a goddamn reality show. But that was before Jay Z agreed to be Kanye’s best man, so it’s not like he’s going to just bail and go to the Hamptons. That’d be a giant “fuck you,” right? Us Weekly reports:
It turns out that not all A-list invitees decided to head to Europe for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s long-awaited nuptials. Multiple sources reveal exclusively to Us Weekly that Beyonce and husband Jay Z bailed on the couple’s Florence, Italy wedding today.
The pair, instead, decided to head to the Hamptons during the Memorial Day Weekend holiday, sources tell Us. (Vogue’s Anna Wintour also declined their invitation due to a family obligation.)
And while this was almost the baller thing Jay Z would ever do in his life, Beyonce ruined it by giving Kim Kardashian the one thing she wants most in the world for a wedding gift: Indirect acknowledgment that she’s a person Kanye West has sex with.
Adding… If the whole Solange elevator fiasco was just a ruse to skip the wedding, these people deserve to be powerful Masonic wizards in the Illuminati. They earned it.
The New York Post
The New York Post ran this wedding announcement in their print edition. Your bubbie didn’t get it.
Rob Kardashian Bailed Because He’s Fat
After being hassled by his family to at least be in one photo, Rob Kardashian flew back to LA the night before the wedding where nobody gave a shit because it’s not like he’s going to be in a sex tape people want to see anytime soon, amirite? I’m right. We’ve already spent too many words here. Next topic!
Lana Del Rey Got Paid $2.8 Million To Sing This Song
The song asks, “Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?” which is funny because the answer is, “Hahahahaha, no.”
Justin Bieber’s Fans Stormed The City
According to Gawker, a fucking army of Beliebers stormed Florence because The Maple One was reportedly supposed to attend. Which he didn’t because even Justin Bieber had better shit to do. And while that sounds like a sick burn, he legitimately did have something better to do inside a model’s vagina while I masturbated to YouPorn next to a stack of comic books. — What? That was a joke about me never getting laid. Why’s everybody looking at me?
Nothing Here Is Relevant To Anyone In Any Way. Get To The Over/Under.
A year and a day. Year and a day.
NOTE: Just so we’re clear, I’m not making any guarantees that this will be the last post I write about this clown show. We’re dealing with master famewhores who wouldn’t think twice about murdering guests just to stay on TMZ’s front page. Or talking Rob into committing suicide which now that I say that out loud almost definitely happened. Someone check his apartment. Near the fridge!