Let’s Call Kim And Kanye’s Handmaid “Ofye”

“Ah! Good morning, Ofye!”
“Under Yeez eye, Mrs. West.”

TMZ has reported that Kim Kardashian has elected to not risk her life over having a third child model for their clothing line. Instead she and Kanye West have chosen the embryo implantation route with a surrogate that will be making about the same salary as a flight attendant, with bonuses if she can crank out two at the same time or destroy her uterus process. We don’t know who this woman is, but let’s just call her ‘Ofye’.

Being the surrogate to the craziest motherfucker on the planet is obviously going to come with some conditions. Most of them are pretty standard:

The surrogate is required to refrain from smoking, drinking and drugs during the pregnancy. She also agrees to restrict sexual activities in the weeks leading up to the pregnancy, including foregoing sexual intercourse for 3 weeks following embryo implantation.

Ok, cool- so no sex. Got it. Nobody want’s a jizz gumbo on their hands to muck up the Yeezy bloodline.

The surrogate cannot go in hot tubs or saunas, cannot handle or change cat litter, apply hair dye, drink more than one caffeinated beverage per day or eat raw fish.

I’ve never given birth so I assume these are still standard precautions for pregnant women, but what about the usage of likeness agreement? Did they leave that out? According to the information obtained by TMZ they don’t touch up on that. Ofye is entering a Mordor-esque realm of cameras and chardonnay. She won’t be able to take a piss without Kris Jenner, Sutter Home in hand, following her around with the judgement of her five-man camera crew.

“It’s good you’re using the bathroom, it’s been seventeen minutes.”
“How did you know I used the bathroom seventeen minutes ago, Mrs. Jenner? I thought you just got home?”
“Bathcam…”
“Bathcam?”
“It’s mostly for insurance purposes, but it makes us a lot of money in Asia.”