Kim Kardashian Thinks Criticism For Her Fake Marriage Is Just Like Having Cancer

September 11th, 2012 // 77 Comments
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When I first heard that Kim Kardashian had an interview in The Guardian, my first reaction was to roll my eyes and just assume it was some sort of puff piece about whatever the fuck she’s shilling now. Turns out it’s loaded with enough dry British wit calling out her vapidness to make me want to bang an English muffin which I did. So if you’re looking for a good read on the Brit’s shock and horror over what the fuck we just exported to their island, give it a whirl, and in the meantime here are some highlights that include Kim equating the fallout from her fake marriage to Kris Humphries with cancer and how she truly is the Ass Darth Vader to Kris Jenner‘s Whore Emperor:

On being asked why she’s famous:
“When I hear people say [what are you famous for?], I want to say, what are you talking about?” she says slowly, her eyes wide as a bushbaby’s. “I have a hit TV show. We’ve shot more episodes than I Love Lucy! We’ve been on the air longer than The Andy Griffith Show! I mean, these are iconic shows, so it blows my mind when people say that.”

On if she has any legitimate talents:
“What is my talent?” She cocks her head to one side. “Well, a bear can juggle and stand on a ball and he’s talented, but he’s not famous. Do you know what I mean?”

On how her fake marriage was just like cancer:
“Not really. We had done filming our season at that point, so we decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that he and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life [brace yourselves], like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She’s 18. And I was like, that’s how I feel.”

On how she’d apparently give herself cancer again because she thinks she’s the Royal Family now:
“So. Would I get married on TV again? No.” … She thinks about it for a moment. “Well, I guess you never say never. Because who knows? So many other people I know have gotten married on TV and it has worked out amazing for them.” … There is a pause. “William and Kate got married on TV,” Kardashian says thoughtfully.

On doing Playboy:
Her father would have been horrified, Kardashian says. “He would have killed me.” … But her mum? “Oh, she was all for it.”

On one day overthrowing Kris Jenner:
She actually breaks out an annoyed facial expression. “We are totally equal. She listens to what I say. She follows my lead. She works for me. I mean, on the show maybe it doesn’t come off that way…”

When reached for comment, Kris Jenner cackled and shot lightning out of her hands at Kylie until she Instagrammed a shot of herself in a bikini. Also, something about a battle station being “quite operational.”

Photos: Instagram, Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet

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  1. Jimmy

    Apparently having made more episodes of your reality show on one of the 200+ channels found in today’s world of basic cable noise means you’re more of a legit success than a show that was popular 60 years ago when there were about 3 channels total. Sure, Kim. I fully expect the world to start seeing you as a new Lucille Ball or Andy Griffith any day now.

    • TomFrank (can't sign in because of the fucking ad)

      The Andy Griffith Show was on for eight years. She’s only been on TV since 2007. Hell, did anyone even know who she was eight years ago? (Besides Ray J and Damon Thomas, I mean.)

  2. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    abc123
    Commented on this photo:

    that’s a sweet car.

  3. MM

    Oh, would this bitch just please die already…?

  4. Wow, she is an Idiot…why can’t we all just boycott her until she goes away…or associate her with the HERP like we did P.H.

  5. That Guy

    Worthless, talentless, self-absorbed, self-entitled twat fungus.

  6. JC

    This is what makes me sad: Since most of that family’s cash has come from sources other than the reality show, even when it goes off the air, she’ll probably never be reduced to standing under overpasses, offering to give BJs in exchange for meth.

    I’m somewhat happy that this will happen to The Situation, though. And Lindsay. And probably Amanda Bynes.

    • Bionic_Crouton

      Do you think they will entertain at my kids 16th birthday celebration if I pay them in cold pizza and an old “A Team” VHS tape

  7. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    CuriousTroll
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s all flabby and she’s only 30 something? I guess you don’t make any effort to actually be in shape or eat right when you can just run to the plastic surgeon to get the fat vacuumed out of you. I feel so sorry for all of us who have to share this world with that piece of garbage.

  8. having cancer AND having Kim Kardashian visit you sounds like the worst punishment ever…

  9. lolwut

    Mooooooooooooooooo!

  10. JuicyLucy

    I don’t get the fascination with this girl (or any other member of that family). Yeah, she’s very pretty and has big tits and ass but she has already revealed it all in various media outlets so really…what’s still so intriguing about this chick that she keeps turning up on my goddamn news feed? There are plenty of pretty girls out there and I’m not trying to sound like a petty jealous bitch, I just sincerely don’t get it.

  11. I’m not following the analogy. Does someone pee on the juggling bear?

  12. Archie Leach

    If I came upon kim kunttrashian on the streets badly beaten and badly injured, I’d kick IT in the face several more times for good measure.

  13. El Jefe

    You would think on 9/11 we would be spared this asshole for just one fucking day.

  14. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    Turd Ferguson
    Commented on this photo:

    How Hawaiian (and not attention grabbing) of her.

  15. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    Poor Kim! Christian Bale should really take her on a free trip to Disneyland.

  16. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    Smapdi
    Commented on this photo:

    Girl on phone: “Hey, that gay guy who beat up Taylor Swift and his fake girlfriend with the giant ass were just here getting frozen yogurt!”

  17. Fraidso

    How can you compare her crappy show to Andy Griffith or i love Lucy ..

    Shows how this planet is going to hell .

  18. Jack Ketch

    MOO. And barf.

  19. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    InkyBlack
    Commented on this photo:

    Repugnant.

  20. Smapdi

    Lol, she actually thinks she’s the brains of the outfit. The phrase “too dumb to know how stupid you are” really applies here.

  21. kimmykimkim

    This doesn’t make any sense. How did they convert all the mooing into English?

  22. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    Jack Ketch
    Commented on this photo:

    MOO-COW FAKE TITS.

  23. Hopefully some Make-A-Wish Foundation kid’s wish will involve a sniper.

  24. Kris Jenner was all for her being in Playboy. Gee, go figure, who’da tunk dat?Talk about a Role Model, Mother Jenner was also all for Kim taking it up the pooper on video then having the tape spread out all over the land. Kris Jenner would sell her childrens kidney’s and remove them while the kids were alive if it meant another extra few bucks in the pot. Their dad, the lawyer, died and left them with tons of money. They parlay that into the Reality Show and endorsements and the mother makes sure cameras are everywhere whenever her kids do something. I’m pissed at them because I never thought of doing that myself ffs.

  25. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    InkyBlack
    Commented on this photo:

    But fuck, what arse through yonder window breaks?

    • pipedreamer

      That’s pretty bad but then again so is the fact that you go to Fox News.com for your information.

  26. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s amazing how fast that went to her ass!

  27. Deacon Jones

    I’ve jerked off on peep show floors that had more class than this bitch.

  28. Anonymous

    I remember that first pic from the Hunger Games movie when Katniss shot that apple from Kim’s mouth.

    If she would have hit Kim in the head instead, Katniss probably would’ve had a training score of 12 instead of an 11.

  29. rantatonne

    That article was a long, hard read. I had to keep taking breaks to do other things, lest my eyes roll back to the inside of my head permanently.

  30. sheila

    narcissist.

  31. west

    Go to Dlisted to see the outrage from people who have dealt with cancer in their lives. The way these whores exploited the murders of Ron and Nicole was despicable as well. E was the oj channel for 13 years after the murders. Anyone notice there’s no more OJ on E .That’s because PMK and Ryan replaced it with the great whores of Satan. They use to advertise heavily on E ‘s OJ programming. Very few people called them on it. The families of Ron and Nicole and the families of cancer victims have both bent over by these money grubbing cunts. What’s next?

  32. Happy_Evil_Dude

    Holy crap. This is the first time I’ve actually seen this thing speak. And holy crap. Just, wow. People look up to that?

  33. TomFrank (can't sign in because of the fucking ad)

    I haven’t read the full interview, but the best part just has to be this from Fish’s excerpts: ” ‘What is my talent?’ She cocks her head to one side.” What is my talent? is quickly followed by “cocks” and “head.” Not “tilts.” Cocks. Bravo, Guardian writer Emma Brockes. Bravo.

    • TomFrank (can't sign in because of the fucking ad)

      Awww! You can’t use italics if you’re not signed in? Racist.

  34. Bob

    “Well, a bear can juggle and stand on a ball and he’s talented, but he’s not famous. Do you know what I mean?”
    ….no.
    “William and Kate got married on TV,”
    I guess for a woman married 28 days, a 1.5 year long marriage could be counted as a success.

  35. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    MOO

  36. Aminona

    She is a complete idiot! I hope never ever she or someone near to her suffers that, and she will know how stupid her words are.

  37. anonym

    i hate this girl so much, but I still want to fuck her tits and ass real good and slap her a few times before tossing her in an alley dumpster.

  38. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    chris
    Commented on this photo:

    it must feel so good to cum inside her

  39. Buffalo Dick

    I have about as much interest in this chunky cow as a dried piece of Armadillo shit in the Mojave Desert…. will someone repair the fence already?

  40. What an idiot

    Can’t someone just punch this fat porn whore in the face already? I’m sick to death of her being all over the media; she’s a disgusting fatass pig…

  41. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    Ghost
    Commented on this photo:

    I want make a disparaging remark about her but all I can think of is the word titties

  42. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    Ghost
    Commented on this photo:

    Even the seasoned Tibetan shurpas tell horrid tales of the dangers of traversing her expansive crevasse

  43. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    Novo
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, she looks like a horse

  44. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    Novo
    Commented on this photo:

    hahah what a cow

  45. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    Novo
    Commented on this photo:

    nice arm fat

  46. Jo

    I used to be indifferent to this woman, but fucking hell, what a dumb bitch.

  47. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    court
    Commented on this photo:

    the sequence of this and the 2 previous images says:
    pile on strawberries
    look around as if guilty
    say “F it” and pile on more strawberries.
    awwww kimmy, this is why you’re fat!

  48. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    AssMaster
    Commented on this photo:

    Jealous people lol.
    You know even if you had the CHANCE to see that ass in person you’d pop a boner

  49. Kim Kardashian Cleavage Tight Dress Weight Gain Frozen Yogurt Kanye West
    Shelby
    Commented on this photo:

    I wish she would give me half o her ass. I said god damn!

    ;)

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