Kim Kardashian Wouldn’t Move to Minnesota, Is The Bullsh*t Excuse

October 31st, 2011 // 138 Comments

With Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries‘ divorce confirmed by E! News, it was only a matter of time until story lines from the show are passed off as actual events that happened in real life instead of scripted horseshit written for gullible rubes. And here we are. Via TMZ:

We’re told Kris was passionate about eventually settling down in Minnesota, where he’s from … and believed Kim was on board with the plan. She wasn’t.
Sources tell us Kim — who’s from L.A. — wants to stay near her family … and she also feels that staying in town is the best thing for her career.
So why didn’t this conversation come up before the $10 million wedding? We’re told the two talked about their future … but got caught up in the hooplah and figured they would simply figure it out after they tied the knot.

“Hey, where we gonna live? Aw, fuck it. Let’s get married first and I’ll just assume you’ll be a kind, considerate wife not at all obsessed with whoring your ass for the highest price every waking hour.”

Wow, I’m genuinely shocked that didn’t work out, except wait, it never happened just like this next tidbit about Kris Humphries being “bummed” because he’s very religious and “doesn’t believe in divorce”:

Kris, who’s a religious guy, is telling friends he and Kim discussed the possibility of divorce, but he believed they could work their problems out.
We’re told Kris didn’t know Kim was actually filing legal papers until this morning.

Then again…

KRIS: So I’d pretend to marry you just for money? That doesn’t seem right.
KIM: I prayed and Jesus said we should.
KRIS: Oh, wow, I better do that then.
KIM: And he wants you to sign this non-disclosure agreement barring you from telling anyone my whole family is bullshit whorebeasts.
KRIS: He did?
KIM: Yup.
KRIS: Man, Jesus is smart…

Photos: INFdaily

superficial

  1. Casey

    This has to be the best news I’ve heard all day. Kim in MN + the long cold winter + cabin fever = get me as far the fuck out of this state as possible.

    • Jucy Lucy

      No kidding. Glad she doesn’t want to move here. I was happy when they Booed her at Target Field this summer.

      • Richard McBeef

        They did? Hilarious.

      • tree mephisto

        Kim Kardashian represents every thing about ex-girlfriends that I always diss quickly.

        She needs to drop weight since half the time she has a beer gut.

        Kris Humphries obviously has a big dick that she loved to suck and swallow the juices out of. To bad she blew it. Now she has to settle for some short fat bald guy. Well, maybe not…

        They are both better off separate.

      • Michael

        Give me footage or I ain’t buying it!

    • JImbob

      I WOULD FUCK HER ASS HARD. KRIS HAS A SUPER HUGE MONGOLOID GIANT HEAD.

    • karlito

      the whole marriage was a scam from the word go. the guy is a friggin dufuss and always says the stupidiest things. she married him because he happened to be there. she would have married anyone just to get the money and publicity. this “divorce” thing is a sham as well to get ratings and probably more money. she’s a fat assed fugly whore and the whole family should be shipped back to their country of origin, i don’t care if they were born in the US, deport their fat asses.

      • I agree that he is a DUFUSS!!!! Hearing him speak used 2 make me so sick!!! Karlito, your comment has me so cracking up and my stomach is hurting from laughing so hard!!! Remember the episode when he found out she had been married before, should have been a RED FLAG right there that they didnt know enough about each other!!!

    • Jane

      Check out their latest interview earlier today at C EL E B U R . C O M

    • S

      No kidding, I was so happy to hear we dodged the bullet! We have enough celebs here. Under 10 should be the quota forever. Let’s keep promoting our image as a flyover state so they stay the hell out.

  2. Ana

    We all know the real reason is b/c his microphone isn’t black.

  3. Well, they gave it a good run, but in the end, cross-species marriage just doesn’t work out.

  4. bbiowa

    He can trade up to Courtney Stoddard once her geriatric hubby kicks off. Less pee smell, more accommodating mother-in-law, and she knows how to work a corn maze.

  5. Tdizzle

    Raise your hand if you even knew who Kris Humprhies was before Kim.

    • billybragg

      put your hand up if you knew who Kim Kardashian was before she fucked an American Football player on camera.

      • Artofwar

        Albeit Ray J’s cock is probably enormous enough to be a blind-side tackle all by its self, Ray J himself never played in the NFL.

        You must be referring to Reggie Bush, however, he didn’t get to dig–out Kim’s guts until after the sex-tape.

        I know it’s difficult to keep up with a whore and her client list, but somebody has to be the official scriber in these occurrences so that future generations will get the accurate accounts of the finer and most important issues and happenings of our generation….Artofwar

  6. TomFrank

    So basically, the Kardashian family is coming up with their excuse by stealing a storyline from Kendra Wilkinson.

    It was Kendra who wouldn’t move to Minnesota, yes? I have the correct whore and her athlete-husband? I get them all confused sometimes.

  7. Frank Burns

    Fake marriage ends in fake divorce for fake reason! Gee, whoodda thunkit?

    • qwerty

      Well at least yesterday’s reports about her people shopping for a husband for her TV show are gone from the headlines right? You do what you gotta do.

  8. hmna

    So are all the out-of-work soap opera writers now trying to get gigs writing for KK?

    • kaiser

      So now I’m waiting for kloe to go into a coma, and be saved by her ex-lover (not her husband [side note: is she married? she should be before the coma]), who went from his failed career as a rapper/domino’s driver to becoming a world renowned neurosurgeon.

      Oh, and Kim will hump him 7 minutes before Kloe recovers.

  9. He got what he had coming. Hope he gets half of Ray J’s piss in the settlement.

  10. Richard McBeef

    As a resident of the Twin Cities, I am grateful that I won’t be running into that skank downtown anytime soon.

    Also, we are sending the Vikings and their Nordic Urine your direction soon. So have fun with that, Kim.

  11. Elle

    I really believe this was just part of her evil plan to be “bigger than halloween”…her ass already is.

  12. Minnesota Resident

    Sweet move Kim, now I don’t have to leave when urine town.

  13. Kim Kardashian Kris Humphries Divorce
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    MOO

  14. welp

    Meanwhile, gays ruin the sanctity of marraige…

  15. Always nice

    Kim Urine Kakes Kardashian

  16. Donald Trump

    I still don’t believe this dude is straight. Look at him…closet-case all the way.

  17. OnTheRealThough

    Kim is gonna force Reggie to bust inside of her & get her pregnant already. She’ll do anything for it.

    • Whoever puts a baby in this piece of shit should be tried for crimes against humanity.

      • Jack Ketch

        Best comment of the week … exactly right on. The sickest part is that she’d probably make $40 million for whoring it out to the tabloids.

      • “Put a baby in” is probably literal – she’d actually have to shove a real baby up there first in order to fake having one. Any right-thinking fetus that found itself implanted in her uterus would wise up and make a break for it at the three month mark.

  18. Jack Ketch

    As usual (barf), she is smiling for the publicity and the paps, and not for her “husband.” This poor dude always looks so bewildered, kind of like that look you have when you leave the washroom and can’t quite remember if you’ve wiped yourself. I’ve never seen him look at ease, not in one single picture. I want to feel sorry for him, but exactly how long did he know this kunt before they went ahead with this fucking hilarious fiasco ?

  19. aaw

    Leave it to the famewhore to “file for divorce” on Halloween! Make the day all about her & her fake marriage! Plz stop posting shit about this family!

  20. stratacat

    yeah, yeah, but her hair looks really good in this pic.

  21. Venom

    I have a feeling that Reggie Bush and Ray J are at a bar right now somewhere drinking and laughing their asses off at this whore.

  22. I think People Magazine along with all the other bozo’s who gave this skank money for the wedding should sue her for fraud.

  23. Jack Ketch

    I believe the absolute funniest words in this post are “her career.” Now THAT’S some funny shit !! BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAA !! :D

  24. Gary B

    The rifftrax people need to make riff for EPS of this show especially the “fairy tale” wedding special. RIFF GOLD

  25. I think we all knew this marriage wouldn’t work out for career reasons alone. Kim is busy showing her tits and ginormous ass to anyone with a checkbook, and Kris is making all those werewolf Twilight movies.

  26. LJ

    Kim was banking of NBA Training camp to begin at the end of September so that Humphries would be out of sight in New Jersey, and she could live in LA, travel the world in her role as famewhore and hang out with her “husband” a couple of times a month when she had to be in New York.

    I’d bet the “story” was scripted out to where she would make a surprise “visit” to some town where the Nets were on the road and she would catch Humphries with a local bimbo and the divorce would head out from there (all written out in the pre-nup).

    Since the NBA is in lockout with little hope of hoops before January the Kardashian family (read Kris Jenner) went into panic mode as they have no desire to promote some Tier Two NBA Player into the famewhore world that they have created for the foreseeable future.

    So it’s time to dump the guy several months before planned so he can’t leverage the exposure over the next few months into a “reality” career of his own.

  27. Toby Weymiller

    She can’t handle the white meat.

    • Venom

      For the millionth fucking time he is black.

      • Carolyn

        He’s bi-racial. Half black, half white.

      • Venom

        Half black and half white is still black you know.
        As a matter of fact in the old days in this country they had the one drop rule, where if you had one drop of black in you, you were still considered black.

      • Venom

        CranApple, black is black.
        You can call yourself bi-racial, cannibal-asian whatever the fuck you want, you are still black.

        Go to the Deep South and show up at some hillbilly’s door and tell him you are bi-racial or 1/4 black and see what the fuck happens to you.
        I am betting it won’t be come on in and have a drink my white brother.

      • He has white meat. She has a black vagina. Their bi-racial genitalia did not get along. Odom has black meat and that horse-face he married has white vagina. I am learning ya Venom. Some people tell me I have black man boobs and white ankles. This makes me happy.

    • For the…well, first time…he’s 1/4 black, not half. His father is half-black, his mother is white. That makes his urine taste only 3/4 pasty and bland.

      • kimmykimkim

        Baha! McFeely! You are fucking killin it today! You must’ve had a nice weekend. Meaning, you probably got a blow job.

      • CranAppleSnapple

        No Venom, it is only exactly what it is. Bi-racial.
        And you’re a disgusting racist. That “one drop” thing was only said a million years ago by other disgusting racists who were constantly trying to denigrate black people, and perhaps you should build a time machine and go back there.

      • TomFrank

        “I remember when Tiger Woods was black. You don’t know what he is now. Tiger was black when the sportswriters were covering him when he was an amateur.. . . As soon as he turned pro and won his first tournament, I read, ‘Biracial golfer wins first tournament.’ Oh, okay. He’s fifty-fifty. He’s fifty percent black and fifty percent Asian. All right, cool. Then after he won the Masters I’m flipping through Sports Illustrated and I read, ‘Tiger Woods is a quarter black.’ I’m like, ‘Damn, now he’s down to twenty-fiver percent. What the hell is going on?’ They’re treating him like milk. You know, whole milk, half-and-half, two percent, one percent, skim. For every professional win he loses some blackness.. . . But you know as soon as Tiger gets in trouble, what will we read? ‘Black golfer arrested.’ ” – Wanda Sykes

      • Artofwar

        …1/4 black cock means 3/4 white cock. That is the deal breaker right there. But I don’t get it– didn’t Kim at least get a look-see of the mans 3/4 inch white cock before the wedding night consummation???….Artofwar

  28. archphoenix

    You know what? I totally buy this. I can see two young self involved people getting all wrapped up in the media circus and then realizing when they are at home alone and there are no cameras to perform for that they have literally nothing to say to each other. I bet he thought that putting a ring on her finger would settle her down to having babies and she thought that she was the center of his universe and nothing would change. Totally buy it.

  29. Josephus

    “Settling down in Minnesota” is code for anal, right?

  30. I knew they would get divorced because Kris wouldnt let her serve a multi layered urinal cake at the wedding.

    What Kris failed to realize is that with hos like this, the one drop rule only works for getting the affirmative action advantage on college applications or electing a minority President.

  31. i like looking at lindsay's vagina

    that guy kim married is so fucking ugly! she must have had beer goggles on the entire time they were married. im glad she sobered up and realized she made a horrific mistake

  32. Kris asked Lamar for marriage advice but all he got was, “Beggin’ Strips. Lots and lots of Beggin’ Strips.”

  33. Archies_Leach

    There is a very terrible and horrific place in hell awaiting Ryan Seacrest.

    • Tootles

      Exactly, that midget cunt Ryan is the one responsible for this piece of urine soaked trash’s “fame”. Next up, he will give that Courtney Sodden, the lizard princess, her own reality show.

  34. With her track record, who are the favorites to be the third husband?……

    Its either the blackest black dude with bank ie 50 cent
    or it will be a rich jew or arab who is much older and owns a formula one racing or some european soccer team.

    No normal guy or even an athlete of any color, with any kind of money would go near her now. They would have to be as big a fame whore as her.

  35. Anon

    Herpa Derp Humphries should just admit the whole thing was an acting gig because he looks like a clueless asshat at the moment.

  36. rican

    Of course they never got around to discuss such a trivial issue of where to LIVE as a a married couple.

  37. SisterRay

    Even though I fled MN desperately for college, I’m offended that this urinal thinks she’s too good for us.

  38. Deacon Jones

    Hey Kim.

    You’re stomach LOOKS HUGE in this picture, you fat piggie!

  39. Chinto

    Nice gunt

  40. Kym & Kchloe Kardasian

    As far as we’re concerned lindsay lohan and her family are nothing but talentless no class trailer trash fame whores with absolutely no redeeming values whatsoever.

    • Tootles

      Right, but at least fire crotch lohan’s claim to fame was being an actress (originally) unlike these hairy whores who’s claim to fame is a sex tape and then a scripted reality show.

  41. BT45

    What career??!!

  42. cc

    I am a bit surprised…she’s been building up those extra layers of blubber for YEARS and she STILL can’t make it through one Minnesota winter?

  43. this is like a big bitch slap to people who can’t get married. and also for people, like myself, who are poor and can’t afford anything. but she can waste 10 million on a fake wedding. fuck you.

  44. McGavan

    Makes her sound like a bigger ass than she already has,…

  45. Nasty Bitch

    Damn. I gave it a year.

  46. Jade

    So..

    How much did they get paid for their fake wedding by whatever magazine got the exclusive?

    I bet that same magazine will be paying her again for her next fake wedding. What an awesome job she has!

  47. Kim Kardashian Kris Humphries Divorce
    mahogma
    Commented on this photo:

    Kunt.

  48. Fish by arm bar.

  49. kim k you are not going to be elizabeth taylor, bitch

    she was also booed at her own birthday party. they didnt show that part on E! but google it.

  50. kim fat

    KIM K POOPERSTAR

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