Kim Kardashian Can’t Go On, You Guys

“Wait. You’re wich ’cause a boy peed on you? — Keep the autogwaph.”

Kim Kardashian is so distraught over her divorce – “I barely even had time to do an evil laugh about all the money I scammed,” I like to believe she said. – that she had no choice but to cancel an upcoming event in Australia for Swisse vitamins who presumably already paid her like idiots. Of course, they should’ve known this was coming since yesterday morning when Kim couldn’t shut up about how she’s going to fulfill all her commitments in Australia no matter what. Case in point: If Kim Kardashian says she’s not going to shoot you in the face, you’re gonna die from being shot in face. Fox News reports:

In her first live TV interview since announcing the divorce, Kardashian told Australian morning show “Sunrise” that she was a professional who kept her word.
I really wanted to stick to my commitments to come out here,” she said. “I love our fan base out here. Of course I do really want some time to myself and it has been tough, but I didn’t wanna bail on everyone and, you know, skip out on this commitment.”

The official reason for Kim bailing is “very difficult personal challenges” because being married to someone for 72 days, 70 of which were spent not even sleeping together — okay, so they nailed that part, is almost exactly the same thing as breaking off an actual marriage filled with genuine love and human emotion. I know things that lasted longer than Kim’s marriage is a tired joke by now, but I’m already more attached to the McRib than she ever was to Kris Humphries. I had to book a grief counselor. “Limited time?” GODDAMN YOU!

Photos: Splash News