Kim Kardashian’s Butt Got Stuck In A Toilet? I Want To Believe

What’s the safest way of saying this without getting sued? The National Enquirer is full of shit. On occasion, it’s done some accurate reporting, but on the whole, not so much. So I should know better than to put any stock in this Kim Kardashian story, but if a catastrophic portion of the country can believe that Donald Trump will bring back factory jobs with his magic Twitter words and/or restore meth-addled small towns into lily-white paradises of yesteryear (that never existed), then I don’t think letting me have this one is too much to ask. I need this. Via Gossip Cop:

According to the National Enquirer, the rapper installed a Japanese toilet with a “ultra-slender seat” in the couple’s bathroom, and Kardashian couldn’t get her butt out after using it. A so-called “source” tells the tabloid in very unnatural language, “Hearing Kim’s blood-curdling howl, Kanye hustled to the upstairs bathroom and found her hopelessly wedged in the throne.”
The publication’s questionable insider adds, “Furious Kim shrieked ’til hubby tugged her loose, then screamed that he’d lost all bedroom privileges until further notice.”

Circle up, everybody. Prayer circle. Listen, I’m not a religious man because my parents made the mistake of teaching me how to read at a young age. But if there’s truly a God in heaven, Kanye West paid an obscene amount of money for a designer toilet while entirely forgetting that he only knows who his wife is because of her gigantic ass, and then that ass got stuck in it. I don’t ask a lot, but I’m going to need you all to act like this happened in real life whenever you’re on the site. This is our foundation now. This is our rock. And upon it shall be built an empire where a butt got stuck in a hole while trying to pee and/or poop. HYEAH!

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