Kim Kardashian Will Do ‘Whatever She Can’ To Get Near Beyoncé

May 15th, 2012 // 78 Comments
Not Ready For This Jelly
Kim Kardashian Kanye West
Beyonce Tells Kanye To Keep Kim The Hell Away Read More »

And apparently “whatever she can” means hooking. That’s dedication.

Despite reports that Beyoncé wants Kanye West to keep Kim Kardashian the hell away from her, he’s inviting her to London anyway for his five-night Watch The Throne performance with Jay-Z. And just like Kris Jenner taught her, Kim’s immediately trying to calculate how many penises she has to put in her to get close to Beyoncé even if it results in an unwanted pregnancy. She can always trick Kanye into thinking it’s his. “Baby, Matt Lauer made our child look like a Sasquatch…” NY Daily News reports:

What will be interesting to watch is whether Kardashian can bridge the bigger-than-the-Atlantic image gap that exists between her and blue-chip Beyoncé.
While photos of Beyoncé wearing a show-stopping Givenchy dress to the Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art were splashed all over the media, Radar Online reported that Vogue editor Anna Wintour — who keeps a tight rein on the guest list — banned Kardashian from the party. (West attended solo.)
No wonder our source says the 31-year-old Kardashian would “live and breathe to hang out with Beyoncé.”

And what story wouldn’t be complete without a mammoth Kardashian lie?

Kardashian’s spokeswoman told us that Kim has had the London trip “on her calendar since last year” to promote her perfume and do press.
“It’s a coincidence that the concerts are at the same time,” she says.

Jesus. I like how Kim Kardashian can’t just say, “Kanye invited me,” because it’s not like anyone’s going to think it’s suspicious he wants anal on the plane. But now this seems even more shady, so I think it’s safe to assume that Kim is going to murder Beyoncé and try to wear her skin as a coat. I’d recommend live ammo if I was her security, but that’s just me and my natural instinct to not leave infants’ without a mother. Their call.

h/t @BlackManUSA

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet

superficial

  1. Clarence Beeks

    well those thighs CERTAINLY look like they fit in size TWO pants.

    *rolls eyes*

    keep lying Kim, just like your face is all natural.

    • Anon

      HOW DO THESE PEOPLE GET THUMBS UP?

      And why isn’t his profile/IP banned?

      • dooood

        at least one person has parodied that kind of spam with somethin like:

        this succubus i heard of made 14 million $ last year just by being completely worthless @vacuoushollywoodcunts.com

        besides, you can’t beat spammers 100% they will just come back with a different user name

  2. Dry Water

    Kanye’s next album has to be titled “Regrets”.

  3. I’m shocked that Anna Wintour didn’t allow KK into one of her galas. She could have at least allowed Kim to stand in the corner and have her guests use her as a urinal.

  4. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Praise the Lords
    Commented on this photo:

    Damn she looks like her fugly crusty Mom in these pics

  5. Jack Ketch

    Exactly, size 2 my ASS …. MOOOOOOoooooooooooooo. Thanks, Cock Dr. :)

  6. Cock Dr

    MOO

  7. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Black Angus Motorboatus Interruptus

  8. PU

    Armo pussy smells like a camel’s asshole.

  9. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  10. Beyonce = Blue Chip

    Kim = Mud duck

  11. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Commented on this photo:

    This looks more like Kris Jenner selling lube to a tranny.

  12. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Emily
    Commented on this photo:

    Omg…is that her….I mean that can’t actually be what her ass looks like right? Mannn she should thank her lucky stars for photoshop.

    • Cock Dr

      Big, isn’t it? You could use it as a shelf. You could rest in it’s shade with room for a picnic.

      • If we shot her into space that ass would cause an eclipse.

      • dooood

        while you could theoretically rest in the shadow cast by that enormous ass (MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO),
        i don’t think that you ever actually want to be positioned downwind of it. that shit is killing the ozone layer ffs

      • it had to be said

        No no no. An ass you could use as a shelf is good. This ass is . . . useless.

  13. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Jimbo
    Commented on this photo:

    is that a nip slip???

    • guttboy

      So what if it is? I think the whole interweb has already seen the goods in a much more revealing format…..

  14. AndyDufresne

    Porn Star…….

  15. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Commented on this photo:

    Meanwhile, back at the house, Kris Jenner has hair extensions and is trying to crap a sofa pillow into the back of her Spanx.

  16. Anon

    Can someone explain this to me? Sometimes when I read a sentence I can’t read it the right way until someone clarifies. That made me sound really stupid. But I’m not.)

    No wonder our source says the 31-year-old Kardashian would “live and breathe to hang out with Beyoncé.”

    It’s not really saying anything to say that she would live and breathe to hang out with Beyoncé, right? I mean, it’s like saying you would do the simplest thing in the world to get what you want. “I would smile and talk if only I could hang out with Beyoncé!” What am I missing here?

  17. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Erika
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, I’ve never seen Kris look so young and…round. It’s almost like she’s had surgery, but I don’t think surgery could ever reverse- wait. Oh. Oh God. She ate Kourtney in one of those anti-aging rituals that Madonna does, didn’t she? You know, I always thought the big one would be the one to eat Kourtney in a fit of missing-ham-induced rage. Weird.

  18. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s an old-lady-in-a-girdle ass. We sure that’s not Kris?

    I think Kanye needs to start serenading her with “The New Workout Song”

  19. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Commented on this photo:

    Dammit. I added a video.

  20. Archie Leach

    If I ever got a hard on from kimkuntrashian, I’d cut my dick off for allowing it to happen and then I’d blow my brains out with a 44magnum to punish my brain for my brain allowing my dick to let something as terrible as that to happen.

  21. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Commented on this photo:

    “WHY ISN’T ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME!”

  22. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Commented on this photo:

    “Naw, naw, naw, you gotta aim dem titties into the camera right there.”

  23. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    That is absolutely terrible.

  24. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Commented on this photo:

    What the fuck is that thing on the right holding a pelt?

  25. it had to be said

    You know, prostitute is actually one of her better looks.

  26. El Jefe

    I seriously thought it was Kris Jenner. That is not a good sign.

  27. it had to be said

    Kanye wants anal on the plane? OK, but Kim better wear her extra-long strap-on.

  28. Yuknow

    “Beyoncé wearing a show-stopping Givenchy dress”

  29. Yuknow

    “Beyoncé wearing a show-stopping Givenchy dress”

    • Sonia

      I understand that ploepe are free to live their own lives and make their own choices, but I can’t help feeling disgusted by this. It’s just an appalling waste of time, money, and energy. It also bothers me that I have friends who are deeply committed to each other but are not allowed to marry because they are lesbians but ploepe can have sham weddings like this, and can marry and divorce like their returning a purchase they decided they don’t like anymore. So much for the sancity of marriage.

  30. Yuknow

    what a freaking lie. she looked like crap in that stupid dress.

    Why would anyone want to get near beyonce? I’m always trying to get away from her, her music, her annoying voice. ewww

  31. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    evie
    Commented on this photo:

    You would be looking old and blown out too if you had to be around that p.o.s. all day….

  32. cc

    Hey, I just discovered something. If you are listening to Highway Star by Deep Purple and you see Kim K you start fantasizing about running her over with a ‘Cuda.

  33. USDA Prime McBeef

    mooo

  34. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    evie
    Commented on this photo:

    Somebody put a dick in that guys mouth.

  35. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Crissy
    Commented on this photo:

    Comes to show that the right hair and makeup will do wonders for a bitch! Cause damn, she is no Halle Berry!

  36. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Crissy
    Commented on this photo:

    So in this shoot she’s paying tribute to Chucky in the only way she knows how to… It’s Chucky the killing slut!

  37. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Hank E. Ring
    Commented on this photo:

    MAD TRANSVESTITE!

  38. terry

    Kim has nothing to offer. Can’t sing, dance, act, write etc. She is nothing but a D-lister and if she is screwing Kanye then it’s only jump off pussy for him.
    How could she do a sex tape with Ray J, fuck around with OREO Reggie Bush, married gay ass Chris Humphrey’s for less that two and end up with West? OMFG!

  39. Johnny P!

    What’s she doing with Rumer Willis’ personal assistant?

  40. Anonymous

    Hell I thought this was Kris Jenner; it wasn’t until the close up pics that I realized it was Kim.

  41. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Blas
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hurry up Kim, we gotta squeeze into this thing NOW!, there’s this legally blind guy that really has to pee…

  42. kimmykimkim

    MoooooooOOOOOOoooooo!

  43. anonym

    like mother, like daughter.

    why the FUCK would someone want to look like Kris Jenner ?!
    she’s a fucking disgrace

  44. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    anonym
    Commented on this photo:

    oh come on !!!

    oldest trick in the book.

    stand next to a fugly woman to make yourself look good.

  45. Larry Mondello

    Why is this thing famous? without makeup and lighting , clothes and photoshopping , she looks hideous

    • Maurice St Claire

      She has the look of a Yiddish mythological monster , The Golem !

      • Neil Sloan

        If a 3000 year – old mummy an back to life and saw that enormous ass , he would immediately take his life in the most degrading method possible

      • Perry King

        Imagine , taking in the sight on that giant ass , free from all the spandex for the first time . It would probably remind you of some geological feature , like the Continental Divide , or maybe the Grand Canyon, only with an aroma you would likely never forget , and might possibly mutate your tastebuds permanently

  46. Nobody

    Oh for heavens sake,Kris Jenner! Stop dressing like a hooker and wear age-appropriate clothing!

  47. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s almost like she’s had surgery, but I don’t think surgery could ever reverse- wait. http://exploreinternet.com/?p=92

  48. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    spartacus
    Commented on this photo:

    MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  49. Kim Kardashian Nipple Short Hair Cleavage Kanye West Photoshoot
    spartacus
    Commented on this photo:

    MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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