Kiefer Sutherland charged with minor assault

May 6th, 2009 // 45 Comments

Kiefer Sutherland is expected to surrender to prosecutors today where he’ll be issued a desk appearance ticket for third degree assault. The charge is only a misdemeanor which means he won’t be jailed and is free to drink all the way up to the arraignment where, God willing, he’ll hump a bailiff. NY Daily News reports:

“Kiefer is sorry it happened. Absolutely. It’s terribly regrettable,” the friend said.
Still, the friend insisted Sutherland lashed out inside SubMercer because McCollough, a designer for Proenza Schouler, bumped into actress Brooke Shields and didn’t apologize.
“Kiefer was provoked,” the friend said.
Despite reports that Sutherland had skipped town, The News found him at his girlfriend’s Greenwich Village apartment. Sutherland would not comment on the incident. “No, no,” he said, before slamming the door shut.

Realizing he probably should’ve offered some form of comment, Kiefer Sutherland headbutted the NY Daily News building into the Hudson later that evening. This brought unspeakable joy to Post owner Rupert Murdoch who was then also headbutted because, fun fact, Jack Bauer is a Canadian socialist in real life.

I love exploding heads in the morning.


  1. Shorty

    Frist !!

  2. havoc

    Keep America Beautiful.

    Headbutt a fashion designer.


  3. Yea right… like none of YOU have has ever gotten shit faced, slipped on the drink you spilled, and accidentally broke someone’s nose… riiiiiiiight… just me and Kiefer… you judgemental fucks…

  4. I don’t see the problem here. Did he pull out his wang and wave it around? Did he shove a beer bottle up his ass? Did he yakk up the contents of his stomach on a hot chick while eating her pussy? Nope, nada. Amateur.

  5. Deva

    So he headbutted a homo fashion designer. Hopefully it knocked some sense into him/her to not be gay.
    On the flipside: I think Keifer is taking his role as Jack Bauer too seriously.

  6. Deva

    #3 right?

  7. He thought he was trying out for the Canadians goon squad. Of course, his choice of a faggot tells me he’s not very tough. He would have been more impressive if he had headbutted Brooke.

  8. Keifer is saving America one headbutt at a time. I hope Robert Pattison is next.

  9. Kevin

    This guy needs to go to rehab and get himself clean and sober rather than behaving as if he’s above the law.

  10. gabed

    he got what he deserved for not setting up a perimeter and avoiding eye contact while kiefer was telling him that “he was gonna have to trust him”

  11. Keifer seems like a docile guy, away from the bar! To be saved, the judge needs to bestow the options between acting and drinking…I know what im wagering on!

  12. the Commish

    FAIL!! This post fails on so many levels. Who the hell cares!?

    This is just like that time when a kid kept asking for a pony for their birthday. Every year, there would never be a pony. Eventually, the kid’s parents felt bad that there was no pony so they compromised and got the kid a hamster. The kid named the hamster Kiefer. It was great.

  13. Beer muscles… beer forehead…

  14. 1 MILF Hunter

    I can’t wait for the trial when he asks the judge, “WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!!!??? I WANT TO KNOW NOW!!!!”

  15. stu

    fashion designers are terrorist. Keifer was just doing his job in protecting America. he should be awarded a medal not dragged up in front of a judge

  16. Vince Lombardi

    Sutherland should be sentenced to watch this season’s “24.” It’s nearly unwatchable.

  17. monty

    damn he’s got a tall head… is it from all the headbutting?

  18. Photoshop Police

    Um… doesn’t this violate his parole?

  19. red sparrow

    So bumping into someone who isn’t Kiefer Sutherland = provoking Kiefer Sutherland.

    Someone should headbutt that pompous cock right back up into his mother’s uterus.

  20. ……………………………….SMOKING, folks?

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  24. I love exploding heads in the morning

  25. Many thanks..

  26. great info

  27. Great post. Thanks for sharing.

  28. Damn he’s got a tall head…

  29. I think she was innocent

  30. nice article.thanks

  31. m65

    He thought he was trying out for the Canadians goon squad. Of course, his choice of a faggot tells me he’s not very tough. He would have been more impressive if he had headbutted Brooke.

  32. nice read thanks for the share

  33. very nice article. bauer is the shit lol

  34. very nice article

  35. He thought he was trying to Canadian goon squad. Of course, your choice of a homosexual tells me he’s not very difficult. That is more impressive if he had headbutted Brooke.

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