Kiefer Sutherland charged with minor assault

By: The Superficial / May 6, 2009

Kiefer Sutherland is expected to surrender to prosecutors today where he’ll be issued a desk appearance ticket for third degree assault. The charge is only a misdemeanor which means he won’t be jailed and is free to drink all the way up to the arraignment where, God willing, he’ll hump a bailiff. NY Daily News reports:

“Kiefer is sorry it happened. Absolutely. It’s terribly regrettable,” the friend said.
Still, the friend insisted Sutherland lashed out inside SubMercer because McCollough, a designer for Proenza Schouler, bumped into actress Brooke Shields and didn’t apologize.
“Kiefer was provoked,” the friend said.
Despite reports that Sutherland had skipped town, The News found him at his girlfriend’s Greenwich Village apartment. Sutherland would not comment on the incident. “No, no,” he said, before slamming the door shut.

Realizing he probably should’ve offered some form of comment, Kiefer Sutherland headbutted the NY Daily News building into the Hudson later that evening. This brought unspeakable joy to Post owner Rupert Murdoch who was then also headbutted because, fun fact, Jack Bauer is a Canadian socialist in real life.

I love exploding heads in the morning.