Kiefer Sutherland bends the law to his will

July 22nd, 2009 // 21 Comments

Kiefer Sutherland will not face charges for drunkenly headbutting fashion designer Jack McCullough, according to the AP:

The Manhattan district attorney’s spokeswoman said Tuesday that misdemeanor assault charges against the actor are being dropped because the alleged victim wouldn’t cooperate with prosecutors.

Jesus. Leave it to Kiefer Sutherland to prove that drowning yourself in whiskey really does make you above the law. Which, coincidentally, means the leprechaun who tells me to drink every morning was right. I’m sorry I doubted you, Mr. TinyShoes. Here’s an M&M. What’s that? The ones at the bar are more delicious? — Get your coat.

Photos: Getty

  1. sperminator

    me loves jack bauer

  2. sperminator

    can’t understand why people get so excited about being first.
    it’s so fucking easy.
    i fucking hate them.

    stupid assessssssssssss

  3. sperminator

    i apologize to all the ladies for my vulgar language used in the message above.

    i just hate them!!!
    unless they’re ladies of course.

    i’m conflicted.

  4. Annie Loves Anal

    who’s Moichael Douglas, and why did somebody write a book about him?

  5. Raj Morganberg

    Big Deal.

    What I don’t understand is why the real story hasn’t been reported. There had to have been at least 10 witnesses to this event…why hasn’t a real reporter seeked out the truth.

  6. Brooke shields cause all of this, hope she buy this man a drink…show some gratitude…

  7. Mr Fish is getting funny… I’m gonna start calling that little guy down the hall in Accounting “Mr. Happyshoes”.

  8. Hooligans get arrested but celebrity hooligans get away with it.

  9. Old Man in a Smart Car

    He has terrible crow’s feet.

  10. i saw the erin video

    I think that fashion guy received a visit from Chloe O’Brien who straightened him out with regards to pressing charges.

  11. Del

    Dude, don’t you know by now: Nobody stops jack bauer!

  12. Just goes to show you that McCullough is a fucking drama queen, and Kiefer freakin’ ROCKS!!!

    Which is not to say that the prosecutors aren’t relieved. You can imagine Kiefer coming through the wall and headbutting everyone in their building to death like that “I’ll be back” scene in the terminator – except he wouldn’t need the car.

    Plus, the Terminator’s iridium power cells only last 120 years, Kiefer Sutherland can run for fucking ever on Jack Daniels.

  13. Kiefer messed with their minds. “They’re only noodles Michael”.

  14. Dave Attell

    “TinyShoes”, nice take on BabyShoes. I’m flattered.

  15. Randal's Rectum

    Glad to see justice has been served, saving this incredible talent from bogus charges. A fine, upstanding man like Keifer belongs on the screen, not some seedy jail cell! fight on for justice Jack!

    With much humility,

    Randal’s Rectum

  16. Shoop_Da_Whoop!

    Meh, if you had the money like he has you would afford the lawyers which would create it so such a case to not be worth the time for the judge to keep it open.

    Honestly, the man decked a guy for being a pervert and going off at the mouth, big deal. I do this act every three or four months when I’m out on the town. No one even blinks an eye, they take it as normal because they all know the guy who gets decked and why it happened. Usually because he ran his mouth to them and they laughed at him.

    I’m just glad they didn’t turn this into a spectacle; I hope this guy comes out with more episodes of 24, it was a great show.

  17. Jesse Jackson

    The DA is a smart man. You DO NOT FUCK WITH JACK BAUER. That pansy ass fashion designer is lucky to be alive.

  18. Nero

    I forgot all about this and now they did too after mentioning this.

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  20. pygmy jerboa

    A friend had a hamster named Kiefer. It, too, consistenly was able to kick ass.

  21. Honestly, the guy is a pervert and off at the mouth, a man sentenced to be a big deal. I work every three or four months when I was out of town. Any one eye blinks, they take it as normal because they know all the guy who gets punished and why it happened. Usually, he ran his mouth to them and they laughed at him.

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