Kid Rock Might Run For Senate, Goddammit

“It’s a real honor, sir. I’ve always admired how your grandfather fled to Mexico to keep his stable of bitches.”
“I’ve made a huge mistake.”

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: A rich white kid gets his start with a loan from his dad, then postures himself as a champion for the working man while living a life of opulence and banging models who would call the cops if a coal miner got withing five feet of them. Yeah, there are a lot of similarities between Kid Rock and our President who is basically him except he went into real estate instead of awful country rap-rock, so Kid Rock might be eyeballing a Senate run now. Are us delicate flowers allowed to whine about living in Idiocracy, yet? *dodges Natural Ice can* Didn’t think so. Via Roll Call:

Kid Rock, whose real name is Robert Ritchie, once said he tended to vote Republican but qualified himself as “more libertarian” to Rolling Stone in 2013. But he has supported several major Republican candidates.
The Michigan native threw his support behind Mitt Romney in 2012 and supported Ben Carson in the 2016 presidential election. He later switched to Donald Trump as he became the party’s nominee.
Rock — or Ritchie — even started to sell pro-Trump merchandise in his official online store including t-shirts with the phrase “God, Guns & Trump” in red, white and blue-colored text.

I wasn’t going to take this seriously until I saw that he has “God, Guns & Trump” merch for sale, so sonofabitch, he’s going to win. In anticipation of that, I wanted to see what kind of stumping we could look forward to during his bid for the Senate, so I found some articles where he talks politics and ho-lee-shit get your Xanax ready. Remember how it was impossible to nail down how Trump really, actually felt about any issue? (Except on banning Muslims. That one was crystal clear.) Well, Kid Rock is Trump, but dumber, because in the world we now live in, yes, that’s a possible kind of human.

Okay, first while campaigning for Mitt Romney he said this to MTV:

“I’m just so fed up with political correctness. People are so angry at each other for their viewpoints. You know, yeah, I’m a little right wing, I’m gonna vote for Mitt Romney, but that’s where my politics end, speaking to people who listen to my music, you know?”

Oh boy, he went right for political correctness. I can see the flag pin boners poking out of the pleated khakis already! But wait, six months later, he said this to Rolling Stone:

“People get paid $100 million to throw a baseball! Shouldn’t we all take less and pass some of that money onto others? Think about firefighters, teachers and policemen. We should celebrate people that are intellectually smart and trying to make this world a better place.”

FUCKING. PINKO. COMMIE! Except then he said this in the same exact interview:

“I’m like the fucking lone wolf. Look, I tend to vote Republican, but I don’t like the hardcore views on either side and I’m not in bed with anybody. I’d probably be more Libertarian, but I’m a firm believer you have to pick a side. I can’t be playing the middle. If you think differently, that’s fine. I’d love to grab a beer and hear why you think that way.”

Okay, phew, “Let’s grab a beer and talk about it” is what we say when we’ve clearly lost an argument in a public arena, and we want to save some face. Bring it on home, Rock, you know how to seal this deal:

Unlike most Republicans, Rock supports gay marriage and abortion rights. Might he endorse Hillary Clinton in 2016 if she ran against someone as socially conservative as, say, Rick Santorum? “That’s a tough one,” he says with a big laugh. “Jesus. I’m not letting you snake me into that. Nice try, though.”

And that, ladies and gentleman, is how Senator Robert “Kid Rock” Ritchie becomes a political reality. We’re all dead.

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Photo: Getty