Khloe Kardashian Wants You to Know She’s Actually Pregnant

As it is written in the prophecy, when Venus and Saturn do a thing while Khloé Kardashian posts a picture of her pregnant tummy to Instagram, a professional athlete’s career must be sacrificed. Today Kuhhloh-eh finally admitted that Tristan Thompson dicked a baby into her, despite everyone knowing (and not really caring) for a few months. I guess that was a provision in Kris’ Divine Prophecy to herald in the end of days or another two decades of Kardashian spotlight (basically the same thing).

My greatest dream realized! We are having a baby! I had been waiting and wondering but God had a plan all along. He knew what He was doing. I simply had to trust in Him and be patient. I still at times can’t believe that our love created life! Tristan, thank you for loving me the way that you do! Thank you for treating me like a Queen! Thank you for making me feel beautiful at all stages! Tristan, most of all, Thank you for making me a MOMMY!!! You have made this experience even more magical than I could have envisioned! I will never forget how wonderful you’ve been to me during this time! Thank you for making me so happy my love! Thank you to everyone for the love and positive vibes! I know we’ve been keeping this quiet but we wanted to enjoy this between our family and close friends as long as we could privately. To enjoy our first precious moments just us ❤️ Thank you all for understanding. I am so thankful, excited, nervous, eager, overjoyed and scared all in one! But it’s the best bundle of feelings I’ve ever felt in my life! ❤️❤️❤️

A post shared by Khloé (@khloekardashian) on

Honestly, I think Khloé won’t be a great mother, but as the least-duck-faced/self-absorbed of the Kardashian brood, she probably has decent motherly sensibilities. Tristan Thompson, on the other hand, ditched his pregnant girlfriend last year for a more lucrative business opportunity in Khloé so he’s basically 0-1 in the “good dad” department.

Baby aside, I’m still only giving their relationship a year or two, and that’s only on the condition that Thompson gets traded to the Clippers to go suck it up closer to Calabasas. Khloé Kardashian spending another season in yucky, grody Cleveland? Not going to happen. The “soosh” in dirty-Cleve is terrible and you can’t even get boba tea at the stadium.

Like most celebrity baby news, I feel pretty clunky processing this kind of thing. I hope the baby is healthy, happy, and has everything it needs. Who am I kidding? It’s a Kardashian. It’ll have everything it needs and then tons of stuff it doesn’t, too.

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