Kevin Federline’s lawyer has a secret witness

September 7th, 2007 // 66 Comments

The Britney Spears/Kevin Federline custody battle is already the circus we knew it would be. Kevin’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan is trying today to get a secret witness to testify against Britney Spears. The witness apparently worked for Britney after she left rehab. TMZ reports:

Dennis Wasser, who reps Spears, said, “Shame on Mr. Kaplan. How can he let this go on?” We’re told Kaplan made a play for the witness last Tuesday, but was shut down by the judge. Gloria Allred, who reps the witness, is about to address the court and explain why the judge should consider his testimony in the custody dispute.

I have some breaking news: I know the identity of the secret witness. It’s Tom Sockington – Kevin Federline’s sock puppet. Ridiculous, I know, but wait until he delivers his damning testimony. Although, it’s not so much a testimony, but a declaration under oath of Tom’s undying love for Cheetos. Because, really, at this point if you were Kevin Federline, wouldn’t you be showing off too? He could drop dead in the middle of the courtroom and still win custody. Why not have some fun?

UPDATE: Kevin Federline invited five strippers into the courtoom. He’s now riding an ostrich and throwing grapes at them. The judge is actually laughing! And, what’s this, the judge is presenting Kevin with a “Father of the Year” award. Incredible!


  1. Deborah

    Fist bitches!

  2. Riotboy

    He’s first.^

  3. Deborah

    Caption: “here…smell my finger…huh…yea it does…smells just like Brit…hun?”

  4. amaia

    #4 lol xD

  5. amaia

    this guy is sooooooooo ugly

  6. Secret witness? I bet its her crack dealer.

  7. hannah

    Now!! I bet.. Kevin would want a
    cheap dirt bikes than a second marriage with Britney… LOLZ!

  8. cocaKelli


  9. Do they really NEED a secret witness???

  10. Clem

    And that witness is Ronald McDonald.

  11. Here pull my finger.

  12. cookievanderbilt

    Brit Brit’s life is like a 4 day-old bag of Doritos . . . crunchy, stale and oddly-scented.

  13. Should that say “has a secret witness” or is this now LOLficial?

  14. Oh sure, fix it right as I go all grammar nazi on you. I see how you are.

  15. Fifth Stooge

    I’m happy to report it’s not me or none of the four Stooges.

  16. Who is messing with the colors on this site? WTC is going on here?
    Where’s my lunch? Somebody stole my lunch!!!!

  17. FRIST are you going to get me a slice of pizza today????

  18. jrzmommy

    You just know that about 100 times a day, KFed is saying “Yeah, I’ve got a secret witness – IN MY PANTS! HAHAHA!”

    And he’s the…winner?

  19. wedgeone

    #7 – You mean the photographer from Allure who took the pictures of her butt crack?

    Gotta agree with #10 – no secret witness needed.
    I just want to know who in their insane mind would think of let Britney open the MTV VMA’s? Guaranteed to get the entire show censored.

  20. Sure Jimbo, but they only have pepperoni, canadian bacon (don’t say it), and cheese. What do you want?

  21. Avril

    Looks like TheSuperficial just got its period. I’m not surprised, it’s been kinda irritable and crampy the last couple of days.

  22. Jaffo

    I bet the secret witness is a ham sanwich that barely got away. Oh the stories it could tell!!!

  23. #22 I know, and totally bloated.

    No, seriously dude, change the color it’s burning my brains

  24. chester cheetah will come skulking into the court room in tears, trying to avoid britney’s gaze. they’ll ask him where on the doll she touched him…

  25. LadyJane

    He makes my clit shrivel up and cry…

  26. FRIST
    I agree, it hurts my fucking eyes.

  27. FRIST – I think I will go with the Canadian Bacon. I think I could get my mouth around a nice round piece of Canadain Bacon.

    Sorry I could not help myself.

    Is this page like the top of Avril head? I feel like I am a tampon just waiting for someone to pull my string!

  28. Is it a trouser pixie?

  29. Ohhhh Does LadyJane’s clit need a hug?

  30. Yeah Jimbo………..

    Poor little clitty, clitty.

  31. Mardi

    I like the colors!

  32. Alotta Fagina

    I just peed on a stick and saw 2 lines. Just because he pointed at me. Girls, look away, now!

  33. veggi

    He’s so hot, it’s like looking into the sun! Literally! *swoon*

  34. Annie Rexia

    WTF. Did Perez Hilton buy this site? Why is it so queened up?

  35. p0nk

    @35 – because your dad’s running it.

  36. Jaffo


  37. No I'm not like that

    The ads don’t display correctly in a column either. Do you guys get that? It did that a lot right after the redesign.

  38. Oooh! Is that his new ride in the background? Guess he had to get rid of the Federrari. In the cash game indeed!

  39. Why would you need a secret witness? There are probably dozens of out in the open witnesses that will get the job done. Like shootin’ fish in a barrel.

  40. sksksksk

    First witness….. Lindsay Lohan.

  41. Frick!

    Ok, he looks mentally challenged in that picture. Anyways, he’s such a sleeze, and yet Britney is actually making him look like the (semi) “good guy” thru all of this. Amazing. All she had to do was keep her vag in her undies and take care of her kids responsibly, but she just couldn’t do it, could she?

  42. Tina's Twat

    God. He is so sexy. Just looking at him soaks my panties. Yum.

  43. Darth Hater

    I wonder if Ms. Allred is aware of the term “discovery”, what with her being a big-shot lawyer and all.
    K-Fuck could could smoke crack in the courtroom and his secret witness could be O.J., and he should still win.

  44. Annie Rexia

    @36. True. Dear old Dad died. Fucking fairy couldn’t handle the AIDS diet. Mom couldn’t wait to get rid of him too. He kept stretching out her underwear. Is that what you do to your wifey, you little faggot?

  45. Caption should read: “K-Fed wants YOU to be his next baby momma!”

  46. jrzmommy

    could someone respond to my comments. i’m lonely.

  47. Victoria

    I think it is cute. I don’t see what the big deal is.

  48. who cares?

    Does anybody actually care about this guy? Or his kids?

  49. Captain Pyro

    Oh, shit, it’s Gloria Allred…

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