Kevin Federline sets the record straight

January 6th, 2006 // 56 Comments

*kevin_federline_thumb3.jpgKevin Federline has broken his silence. The dancer, appearing on Los Angeles radio host Ryan Seacrest’s show yesterday, told Seacrest that everything is “wonderful” between he and Britney Spears. He then punched Seacrest in the nuts and challenged him to a dance-off, calling him “Ryan Seabitch.” (note: just because I made that last part up doesn’t mean it never happened).

When Seacrest asked if he was kicked out of the home he shares with Spears, Federline replied, “No way,” and later laughed when Seacrest asked, “What about the divorce reports?” He also denied reports his Ferrari had been repossessed, saying it was simply being taken into a local garage for repairs. He also laughed off reports that he and his wife were planning to have a second baby. He said, “Nah, not right now, we’re gonna wait.”

Some questions I wish that Seacrest would have asked: “Kevin, why are you such a douchebag?” or “People often say to me ‘Ryan, that Kevin Federline is a total douchebag’. Can you explain that?” or “I was watching this documentary on douchebags the other day, and you were featured prominently. In fact, I believe it was called ‘Kevin Federline: profile of a douchebag’ – what’s that all about?”

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  1. I’m growing the patchy goatee for 2006 just so I can ride the wave of K-Fed popularity and cash in on some of that tang!!!!

  2. I’m setting the spread at -5 (in months) between the time he appears or Dancing With the Stars and the time he appears in Victoria Given’s next record-setting anal gangbang. A douchebag’s gotta eat!

  3. supergirllover

    K-Fed is an opportunistic sycophant. Even worse, he’s too dumb to continually do whatever it takes to keep his wife appeased. I will go lesbian for Brittany and I’ll treat her better than K-Fed’s ever had.

  4. PapaHotNuts

    Yes, he may be a douche. Yes, he did take Brittany Spears from a smokin’ hot jack-off model to an overweight, pasty, trailer park owner. But you just gotta love all things Federline. He is Federiffic. Fedtabulous. He truly is too stupid to realize what a world class fuck-off he is. AND YOU GOTTA LOVE HIM FOR THAT. He doesn’t care that he is white. He doesn’t care that he is talentless. He absolutely doesn’t care that he is quickly reducing Brittany’s bank account to that of a illegal immigrant. He does it and he is laughing at us while he does it. I, for one, think he should be commended for taking mental retardation to a level never before seen in this lifetime.
    K-FED FOR PRESIDENT STRAIGHT 2008. Let’s get the t-shirts maded up.

  5. celeb_hater

    Did Seacrest ask KFED what it’s like to be a reverse oreo cookie?

    And I think I know why SPears married him. She couldn’t go out and marry a black man so she found the next best thing by landing Kfed.

  6. CoJo

    Did he set the record “straight 2008″? This guys a joke. If Brit doesn’t loose him soon she’s just going to turn back into the white-trash she once was and her career is going to come to a screeching halt…whoops! I guess I’m too late…too late, 2008.

  7. HughJorganthethird

    I heard K fed was up for Douchebag of the Year at the annual Douchebag Convention held every year in downtown LA. I hope the kid pulls it out. He’s earned it.

  8. The person who came up with the moniker “K-Fed” for this twat should be hung like Mussolini at the Piazzale.

  9. Zuzu

    Why insult douchebags? What have they ever done to you that you need to compair them to K FederLAME? I think douchebags nationwide deserve more respect than that…….

  10. SkyeZ11

    I never thought I’d publicly see the word douchebag used that many times in one paragraph. My life is complete.

  11. amma

    …I just came from Walgreens, and I want to confirm, there is now a feminine product line featuring Mr. Federline’s likeness on the package. It comes in Spring Oreo, Summer Trailer and Whisper of Trash. Obvious innovator that he is, KFed has also included a mini-CD and lyricis in every box.
    I’ve heard that next he is coming out with a men’s product line featuring baseball caps, visine and little patches of hair with glue, al l free with a purchase of Newport Lights.

  12. “Spring Oreo”? Da hell does that smell like? A creme cookie with pollen on it?

  13. PapaHotNuts

    Amma rocks

  14. You know what I want to see? A reality show with the Browns and the Federlines. I mean, really? What could possibly be better than that? Bobby and Whitney can do the running man around the kitchen while Kevin valiantly tries to keep his pants from falling down around his ankles and Brit pops pimples in the corner…

  15. I’m sure he’s totally telling the truth.

    Like when Kate Moss denied being a drugged up skeez. And when Lohan denied being a bulemic beanpole. And when Angelina kept telling us Brad was “just a friend”..

    Stars are all about telling the truth, ya know.

  16. sammygirl

    K-Fed should be neutered. I know a local vet who would do it for cheap.

  17. cornelius_prot

    I love how this article affected the random ad generator on the top of the site. Douche/enema products, date britney spears. They go together to me.

  18. Captain Awesome

    “He then punched Seacrest in the nuts and challenged him to a dance-off, calling him “Ryan Seabitch.”

    lmao

  19. BOOTSY COLLINS

    k-fed reminds me of a grezzy pork chop served in a dirty ash tray

  20. tuesdayup

    We should be celebrating the fact that K-Fed and Britney aren’t having another kid. The national IQ just jumped 10 points.

    http://theobsessivemessenger.com/thenews/?p=80

  21. mikeski

    “I hope the kid pulls it out.”

    Except that *not* “pulling it out” appears to be this guy’s m.o. Well, twice, at least.

  22. al rarow

    Funniest post/threads of the day!

    Amma’s comment kills me.

  23. Roddy von Seldeneck

    Spears K-Fed—Second Edition of Newlyweds?

    I pray that some ingenious producer (father Simpson maybe?) can convince these two yo-yos that it would be great for their career(s).

  24. Queen LaQueefah

    All I can say is, I experience orgasmic schadenfreude when I see the talentless, ugly hack that is Britney Spears reduced to unglamorous reality. She was never beautiful, just an average boring bottle-blonde who had talented makeup artists and stylists. Now she doesn’t even have that. Justice has been served.

  25. CoJo

    I think Brit is living with the theory that even bad press is good press. How about some 2006 predictions, here? If you were Brit’s publicist, what would you do? Aside from the obvious dump your talentless loser leech of a husband.

    Never being much of a fan of hers, I can still sympathise with the mistakes women tend to make in their 20′s – she’ll see the light.

    Oh, here’s another Friday game – What do you think his pet name for Sean Preston is? Lemme start – “Shorty”, “Biggie Smalls”? I wonder why they didn’t name the baby after Kevin? He seems like he would be the type that would want to start a legacy or a militia or something like that…

    Sorry, totally going too far…must get back to work!

  26. Ants, carry double. The nature of the beast is to build, and addition to the main slice, bring with them a new twist and turn.

  27. Praz

    The douchebag store called; they’re all out of Kevin Phetamine.

  28. crabbyoldguy

    Now be nice, I’m sure Kevin’s IQ is well into double-digets…well…okay…it’s probably APPROACHING double-digets.

    Hell, he’s dumber than a lump of coal…who am I kidding?

  29. HollyJ

    I like to think of him more as the douche itself, rather than the actual doucheBAG.

    Basically he’s vinegar traveling at high velocity into a bacteria-laden cave. And by ‘cave’ I mean Brittney’s ghole. And by ‘bacteria’ I mean…bacteria.

  30. LoneWolf

    There’s a new Feder line of salad dressing out. Vinegar and water.

    Off course he told Seacrest (OUT!!) that everything was everything. What’s he going to say – “Yeah, the divorce will definitely happen this year.”?

    Brit’s not stupid – she just doesn’t give a f@ck what anyone thinks anymore and is showing her true self. Her handlers have obviously either lost control or been fired. I take that back. She *is* stupid. They

  31. Tai!

    I love you, whoever wrote this is brilliant

  32. I love K-fed's Corn Rolls

    I do have to agree with the fact that celebrity’s are not going to be truthfull. Also WHY THE HELL was he even ON the Ryan Seacrest show? Couldn’t even book an ex N*sync guy? Isn’t it a radio show… with MUSIC… must you MAKE music and HAVE an album to be on the RADIO… they arn’t even playing K-Fed’s “Music” on the radio yet… what the hell…

    I hope Brit is already pregnant with #2… My mother told me that if my marriage was ever in trouble, just have LOTS OF CHILDREN… because screaming babies make your man love you… especially men that ran out on their girlfriends while pregnant and with the other 3 kids they were raising… I’m sure Lynn Spears told Brit the same…

  33. I love K-fed's Corn Rolls

    K-FED FOR PRESIDENT STRAIGH 2008 T-shirts are being made now… I’m wearing mine EVERYWHERE…. maybe I should send him one for free, maybe he’d wear it….

  34. I love K-fed's Corn Rolls

    Hell of course he would wear it, he doesn’t own anything else but a wife beater.

  35. I want one hello

  36. claire bear

    He can’t run for president until 2016. He neesd to be at least 35 to be president. I doubt he knows that, though.

  37. penngoldie

    just heard popozao and it seemed to really piss off my cats. they ran away and into the bathroom. they feel dirty, straight up grimy.

  38. ShanDourdan

    Personally I have to agree about loving K-Fed because if it wasn’t for his utter irrevelance to this world, aside from to breed far and wide with women across the globe( we all know Britney aint going to be the last of his baby mama’s) we wouldn’t have an article as funny as this and post that have literally had me spitting out my water as I read them. Amma, you rock. Big up K-Fed straight 2008.

  39. hafaball

    lol, he is quite a douche.

  40. derekd

    DOUCHEBAG OUT!!!!!!!!!!

  41. bigfatmomma

    Cojo – as for the baby’s nickname…

    back when i was jealous of britney for being hot and rich and slutty, we called her britney “hobag” spears. Since federline’s nickname has garnered more approval than our president’s last five years in office combined, i think it’s only rational that the baby be called “T-bags.”

  42. HollyJ

    The hobag was drinking the Tbag of the douchebag? WTF?

  43. BurnZ

    Hey kevin, your wife is fat and I fucked her in the ass last night and then she sucked the shit off of my stinky penis. What do you think about that? You are not cool. Stop rapping. Get out of the media because nobody likes your ugly ass. Brittiny is a dirty whore.

  44. jka

    I just listened to Popozao for the first time. OMFG! I had very high expectations about what crap it would be, but WOW. It was douche-tastic. What a donkey that guy is. I don’t even know what I mean by “donkey,” but it suits him. As do a lot of other great words – e.g., douche (with or without the bag), tool, wanker, assclown…

  45. derekd

    I with Papahotnuts

    Why are we fucking with this guy? I mean he came in and snagged the most eligeble bachleorette at the time, turned her from a pretty hot chick, to just your typical fat white pig that none of us would fuck without at least a 12 pack in our gut. I mean the man is beautiful for doing that! It gives all us nobodys a speck of hope that it could happen to you too! Tell me thats not a lifetime movie in the making. The ultimate would be if she ends up in pornos.

    I can see it now “Britney Spears in ‘Oops I sucked it again! part X.’”

  46. HollyJ

    I’m voting “ASSCLOWN” :::sound of voting machine *DING*:::

  47. jennjenn70

    K-Fed is the Vaniila Ice of the 2000′s…Aren’t we just a lucky bunch!

    Douche bag!!

  48. little_miss_perfect

    Okay, I totally looked up Kevin Federline on wikipedia and found out his middle name is Earl. I really don’t care whether or not it’s true, because it amuses me. There need to be more white rappers named Earl.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kevin_Federline

  49. Jeremy1Esq

    Who has honestly paid to download Popozao?

    What, he couldnt spell Pompous?

  50. jka

    Jeremy1Esq – I hope NO ONE has paid to download Popozao. I found it for free, which is the only way I ever would have listened to it.
    Although now, having heard it, I realize free still isn’t a good enough reason to listen. It’s hard to come up with a dollar figure that might somehow make up for the three minutes of hideousness I endured, but I am pretty sure that it’s more money than Britney has.

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