UPDATE: Kevin Federline’s ‘Brother’ Claims He’s The Real Father of Sean Preston

“If Stawbucks won’t put whipt cream on mama’s puppy, McDonald’s will!”

Kevin Federline is the case study in man gold-digging, so it only makes sense his brother Christopher grew tired of working for a living and wants in on the Britney Spears’ gravy train now. Except unlike a true Federline he’s still under 300 lbs going about it in the stupidest way possible and when her finances are so sealed tight you have to babysit her for her dad just to sniff a dollar bill. RadarOnline reports:

“She is out-of-control and a maniac,” he said in the court docs.
In the papers, Christopher says Britney recently “went to Kevin’s house to pick up Sean Preston and Jayden James, and [his] wallet was on Kevin’s coffee table when Britney opened it up and stole [his] Capital One credit card.”
Christopher claimed in court docs that when he followed up on the alleged theft – which accounted to more than $4,500 in charges – “Britney … laughed at me [and] told me my brother Kevin ruined her life. Britney made fun of me and told me I have a small penis.

Britney Spears has the wherewithal to make penis jokes? The most complex and intricate of all jokes? Right… What’s next? You’re the real father of Sean Preston?

“She also blackmailed me and told me if I tell the police that she stole my credit card, that she will tell the world I’m the true father of Sean Preston, not Kevin.
“I do confess I slept with Britney, and I am the true father, but the public does not need to know,” he admitted.
A source told the Enquirer that when Christopher contacted Britney about the credit card, she “just laughed at him,” and “threatened to tell Kevin she and Chris had sex while she was married to Kevin … and tell everyone that.”

Here’s where young, lazy Federline’s entire story falls apart because this is exactly how this scenario would play out, right down to the bacon-wrapped McRib:

BRITNEY: Kevin, y’all brother put that there critter who ain’t Jayden in mah hot dog pocket why’ns we was together.
KEVIN: Do I still get a check each month?
KEVIN: Then we’re good here. Now pass me that McRib wrapped in bacon.
BRITNEY: NEVAH! *brandishes cutlass, swings out window on chandelier*

UPDATE: According to The Smoking Gun, this was a hoax by a dude who also pretended to be Adam Lanza’s brother further proving that anyone from West Chester, Pa. is a magical, special person.

Photos: Fame/Flynet