UPDATE: Kevin Federline’s ‘Brother’ Claims He’s The Real Father of Sean Preston

December 27th, 2012 // 17 Comments
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“If Stawbucks won’t put whipt cream on mama’s puppy, McDonald’s will!”

Kevin Federline is the case study in man gold-digging, so it only makes sense his brother Christopher grew tired of working for a living and wants in on the Britney Spears‘ gravy train now. Except unlike a true Federline he’s still under 300 lbs going about it in the stupidest way possible and when her finances are so sealed tight you have to babysit her for her dad just to sniff a dollar bill. RadarOnline reports:

“She is out-of-control and a maniac,” he said in the court docs.
In the papers, Christopher says Britney recently “went to Kevin’s house to pick up Sean Preston and Jayden James, and [his] wallet was on Kevin’s coffee table when Britney opened it up and stole [his] Capital One credit card.”
Christopher claimed in court docs that when he followed up on the alleged theft – which accounted to more than $4,500 in charges – “Britney … laughed at me [and] told me my brother Kevin ruined her life. Britney made fun of me and told me I have a small penis.

Britney Spears has the wherewithal to make penis jokes? The most complex and intricate of all jokes? Right… What’s next? You’re the real father of Sean Preston?

“She also blackmailed me and told me if I tell the police that she stole my credit card, that she will tell the world I’m the true father of Sean Preston, not Kevin.
“I do confess I slept with Britney, and I am the true father, but the public does not need to know,” he admitted.
A source told the Enquirer that when Christopher contacted Britney about the credit card, she “just laughed at him,” and “threatened to tell Kevin she and Chris had sex while she was married to Kevin … and tell everyone that.”

Here’s where young, lazy Federline’s entire story falls apart because this is exactly how this scenario would play out, right down to the bacon-wrapped McRib:

BRITNEY: Kevin, y’all brother put that there critter who ain’t Jayden in mah hot dog pocket why’ns we was together.
KEVIN: Do I still get a check each month?
BRITNEY: Yes’n.
KEVIN: Then we’re good here. Now pass me that McRib wrapped in bacon.
BRITNEY: NEVAH! *brandishes cutlass, swings out window on chandelier*

UPDATE: According to The Smoking Gun, this was a hoax by a dude who also pretended to be Adam Lanza’s brother further proving that anyone from West Chester, Pa. is a magical, special person.

Photos: Fame/Flynet

superficial

  1. Fish always tells the stories exactly as they happened. It’s like he’s right there with them.

  2. This would be the classiest episode of Maury ever.

  3. Schmidtler

    The only part of this story I find impossible to believe is that Kevin Federline’s brother has a valid credit card with a limit anywhere north of 2 dollars and 38 cents.

  4. Looks like Capitol One discovered a new venue for product placement: celebrity rumors!

  5. This story stinks. Not even Britney is retarded enough to steal a Capitol One credit card.

  6. Kodos

    Think BritBrit can usurp the gravy train that the little “NO” girl is riding off of Capital One?

    A real talent battle, that would be….

    GAS ALL OF THEM; THE WHOLE STINKING LOT! THE NEW ORDER IS READY TO ARISE, AND THESE WASTES OF HUMAN FLESH SHALL BE THE FIRST EXAMPLE.

  7. Tweak

    You and radar online got punked. It was a con man that just got busted for impersonating a murderers uncle.
    http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/jonathan-lee-riches-violated-687543

  8. Tweak

    “Riches’s latest hoax victim is gossip site Radar Online, which today posted a front-page story reporting that Britney Spears was being sued in federal court by the brother of Kevin Federline, one of her ex-husbands and the father of her two boys.

    Citing “bombshell court papers,” Radar noted that Christopher Federline accused Spears of stealing his Capital One credit card and making $4500 in unauthorized charges. “Federline” also claimed to have slept with Spears (whom he termed a “maniac”) and fathered her youngest son.”

  9. the dude isn’t even actually Kevins brother. its been proven hes a psycho convicted felon that has a history of making bogus law suits. he pretended to be Selena Gomez’s dad too, to sue justin bieber

  10. “the dude isn’t even actually Kevins brother…”

    Gee, ya think? Hence the “hoax” designation…???

  11. Ripley's Believe It Or Not

    It was obvious this wasn’t real from the start: it’s not a fucked-up enough incident to involve Bertney.

  12. judgingyou

    Am I the only one surprised that K-fed has a brother?

  13. JustWalkingMyUnicorn

    I knew it was fake the minute I read $4,500. What could she possibly buy with that meager amount. Now had it said $4,500 McDonalds apples pies I would have believed it.

  14. kery

    oh my god she shouldnt give that lazy older man her money and he must go to the gym before he becomes an pig ;D

  15. Is this going to turn into an “I am Spartacus” kind of thing? “I’m SP’s dad!” “No! I am SP’s dad.”

  16. The old “I Have a Small Penis” con. Right up there with “The Spanish Prisoner.”

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