Kendall Jenner’s Pepsi Ad Makes Me Want to Pepper Spray Myself

In case you missed the new Pepsi commercial that is so off the mark it is actually pissing off racists, here’s a little play-by-play:

It opens on an Asian guy playing cello, because DUH! Yo-Yo Ma is Asian and he plays cello, right? He’s also sweating profusely (probably because drinking Pepsi Max is horrible for you) while people take to the streets in protest.

pepsi sucks

If this was supposed to allude to the story of Nero fiddling as Rome burned, then I’m going to assume that this dude playing cello is batshit crazy, just like Nero (and anyone who works in Pepsi’s ad department).

hijab pepsi

We then meet a frustrated woman in a hijab laboring over her photography because she’s a photo journalist who can’t capture the true plight of Muslim women in America who love Pepsi.

Goddamn that’s relatable… Pepsi is aiming for the feels and we’ve all been Bon Jovi’d.

kendall jenner pepsi

Meanwhile, the crowd grows larger (or just moves further down the street) to a point that it’s walking right by a super low-key, casual photo shoot with Kendall Jenner in a blonde wig being all white and oppressed and stuff. Kendall is a professional though, she doesn’t even let the horde of protestors throw her off even for a second.

brunch pepsi

Some white girls are also like, totally having brunch and laughing at these idiots, “what do they think they are accomplishing- Trump won, you sore losers!”

Then our three main characters, the cello guy, hijab lady, and Kendall Jenner, start to notice that the whole city is woke AF and they need to get in on this. Right around this point is when Bob Marley’s grandson goes trap with the bridge to his song “Lions” (which has been building in the background), black people start break dancing, there’s a pandering shot of a couple Joan Jett-looking lesbians, everything goes to dog shit.

dancing pepsi

Some more bullshit goes down that looks like the last scene in “Do The Right Thing” if it was filmed on Main Street in Disney World as opposed to Bed-Stuy. Everyone watching has vomited in their mouth at least six times by about the 2:10 mark.

woke bae

“I will no longer contribute to this society built upon oppressive commercialism! Excuse me while I wipe shit off my mouth and change into some designer denim- these people need me!”

kendall pepsi

By the time woke bae supreme (Kendall Jenner) changes clothes and joins the resistance, it’s pretty much Coachella-mayhem in the streets and everyone’s all hopped up on Pepsi and ready to clash in a dance battle between police officers. That’s when Flower Power becomes Pepsi Power and Kendall makes the world chill by handing a cop a soda.

The crowd cheers, a hologram of Michael Brown does the dab, Kendall Jenner is awkward as fuck around “commoners”, it’s a beautiful story watch for yourself:

EDIT: It looks like Pepsi is trying to put out the fire they started, so I updated the link. If this one goes down (which I’m sure it will), I’ll find another…