Kelly Clarkson will not have sex with you

- Kelly Clarkson uses the magic of music to say “You’ll be masturbating alone tonight.” Aww… [PopSugar]

- Slumdog Girl’s father was NOT going to sell her. It’s called “bartering.” There’s a difference. [Vulture]

- Lady GaGa enjoys a spot of tea with her pancakes. [Jezebel]

- Jonathan Taylor Thomas refused to show up for The TV Land Awards with the Home Improvement cast. It’s because Al molested him. True story. [Best Week Ever]

- Britney Spears will perform in London’s Picadilly Circus this November. Way to finish what George Washington started. No quarter for the redcoats! [Allie is Wired]

- Perez Hilton vs. Gay-bashing Miss California Contestant: A case study in how to inexplicably make the situation even more retarded. Seriously, this took effort. [Videogum]

Photos: Getty