Kelly Clarkson will not have sex with you

April 20th, 2009 // 55 Comments

- Kelly Clarkson uses the magic of music to say “You’ll be masturbating alone tonight.” Aww… [PopSugar]

- Slumdog Girl’s father was NOT going to sell her. It’s called “bartering.” There’s a difference. [Vulture]

- Lady GaGa enjoys a spot of tea with her pancakes. [Jezebel]

- Jonathan Taylor Thomas refused to show up for The TV Land Awards with the Home Improvement cast. It’s because Al molested him. True story. [Best Week Ever]

- Britney Spears will perform in London’s Picadilly Circus this November. Way to finish what George Washington started. No quarter for the redcoats! [Allie is Wired]

- Perez Hilton vs. Gay-bashing Miss California Contestant: A case study in how to inexplicably make the situation even more retarded. Seriously, this took effort. [Videogum]

Photos: Getty
superficial

  1. jaime

    first?

  2. bones

    damn you guys are fast, and SSSSSSSSSSSUUUEEYYYYYY

  3. mikeock

    It’s OK Kelly. You can just blow me.

  4. @3 Are you sure, it might get a little toothy

  5. mikeock

    BJ’s are like pizza – there is no such thing as a bad one, only better ones.

  6. TT

    those arms look like sausages in their casings

  7. mikeock

    Who gives a shit what Perez Hilton thinks about anything? So his nose got out of joint because someone thinks gays should not get married. Big deal. Hey – here’s a thought – let people vote on same sex marriage instead of just having it legislated down our throats. Better still – don’t ask a beauty contestant what she thinks. You might actually get an honest answer once in a while.

    OK, Perez, it’s safe to go back to watching Desperate Housewives now.

  8. Jeremy

    Jonathan Taylor Thomas is a whiny little bitch, fuck him!

  9. Harry Doyle

    Perez is a faggot, acts like a faggot, cries like a faggot….. get over yourself, faggot! Dems preach that we should all be free to have our own opinions…. just cause you don’t like someones opinion does not make them wrong.

  10. NipTuck

    i adore her<3

  11. James

    Wow…Miss California was “gay bashing.” BULLSHIT.

    Here’s what she said:
    “We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage,” Prejean said. “And you know what, I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that’s how I was raised.”

    WOW! What a bash, you fucking loser.

    I’m fine with gay marriage, but it’s the idiots who try to demonize those who have legitimate concerns about it that continually set back the cause. Go protest a Mormon Church or send fake Anthrax to donors who supported prop 8, you geniuses. That’ll change their minds!

  12. yup

    fags should get civil unions or some shit… but not marriage

  13. Randal

    What a great success story Kelly Clarkson has been since first stepping on stage at her premier audition for American Idol. All of her albums are solid winners that all should strive for.

    Randal

  14. Megan

    11 -

    What concerns are “legitimate” in relation to gay marriage?

    12 -

    Yes, because marriage is too sacred. Greatly illustrated by the adulterous McCain and even Bill Clinton. Not to mention the divorce rate of this country, which is bound to go up during the recession. Also demonstrated by shows such as the Bachelor/ette, the Cougar, etc., where people compete for the “love” of and marriage to those they don’t even like, and compete against peers that that dislike even more.

    But of course, it’s the gays are ruining marriage.

    This is not a defense of Perez Hilton, who was being dramatic and over-reacting – he WAS at a Miss America contest for fuck’s sake – nor is it assuming that gay people don’t do any of the retarded and fucked up things straight people do. But there is nothing sacred about marriage, or anything else for that matter.

  15. Vince Lombardi

    Kelly Clarkson won’t have sex with me? Color me relieved.

  16. Tzel

    While I may not share Miss California’s views on the subject, at least she took a stand for the side she believed in – which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for the other four contestants, who vapidly babbled on in politically correct language about nothing the questions actually asked.

  17. richard

    who ate all the pies?!

  18. big teeth

    Are you gonna take me home tonight
    Ah down beside that red firelight
    Are you gonna let it all hang out
    Fat bottomed girls
    You make the rockin world go round

    Hey I was just a skinny lad
    Never knew no good from bad
    But I knew life before I left my nursery
    Left alone with big fat fanny
    She was such a naughty nanny
    Heap big woman you made a bad boy out of me
    Hey hey!

    Ive been singing with my band
    Across the wire across the land
    I seen evry blue eyed floozy on the way
    But their beauty and their style
    Went kind of smooth after a while
    Take me to them dirty ladies every time

    Oh wont you take me home tonight?
    Oh down beside your red firelight
    Oh and you give it all you got
    Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin world go round
    Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin world go round

    Hey listen here
    Now your mortgages and homes
    I got stiffness in the bones
    Aint no beauty queens in this locality (I tell you)
    Oh but I still get my pleasure
    Still got my greatest treasure
    Heap big woman you gonna make a big man out of me
    Now get this

    Oh you gonna take me home tonight (please)
    Oh down beside your red firelight
    Oh you gonna let it all hang out
    Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin world go round
    Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin world go round
    Get on your bikes and ride

    Oooh yeah them fat bottomed girls
    Fat bottomed girls
    Yeah yeah yeah
    Fat bottomed girls
    Yes yes

  19. john

    wouldn’t fuck the heffer anyway

  20. Delgo

    she got some tubes on her.
    needs a nutritionist

  21. Snap

    Big girls can’t be choosers.

  22. tromba

    Hey Megan,

    You wrote, “marriage is too sacred.” “Is”, I understand. Please explain what you mean by “marriage” and “too sacred.”

  23. LC

    Marriage statistics are warped by chronic-marryers (how many people do you know who’ve been married multiple times like it’s no big deal) and the dips who get married in Vegas when they’re shitfaced, just to name a few. So quoting a divorce rate to debunk marriage ain’t gonna work Megan. And in this case, the politicos you name when you attempt to make a point is a redherring. You can’t make your point otherwise.

    I’d hate to be in an argument with you face to face as I imagine you’d point and say look when things got tough, and then whack me in the head once I turned my head. You win.

    Perez Hilton is a vile,human piece of crap. This has nothing to do with being gay and everything to do with his existance.

  24. Courtyardpigeon

    Kelly has some meaty arms. She might want to start lifting something other than Whoppers and her girlfriend’s legs over her shoulders.

  25. old FCer

    If Kelly Clarkson plops her fat ass down on your toilet, get the plunger ready.

    She BEEFS.

    She’ll drop 5 or 6 forearm-sized logs in there with no flushes in between. Rumor has it that on the set of “From Justin to Kelly” she used to shit in the shower and heel it down the drain.

  26. Kelly Porkson?

    Holy fucking shit.

    The fucking face on this sow looks like Shrek. Seriously, look at the goddamn goofy grin & the broad nose, then look at Shrek.

    But her face is downright acceptable compared to the flabby, flabby sausages attached to her shoulders…. I mean her jiggly wiggly arms.

    What an ugly sow.

  27. Andy

    Basically the criticism of Miss Cal was that in her answer, she did not properly represent California and instead presented her own religious beliefs.

    But the criticism only shows that Perez Hilton, the director of the Miss California, and others claiming to represent California either did not participate in November’s in-state vote on Proposition 8 or refuse to accept the democratic outcome: 52 to 48, with almost 80% voter turnout, restricting legal marriage to opposite-sex couples.

    It’s America. An election was held, a huge voter turnout occurred, people were elected to office, and voter initiatives were passed or defeated. Sorry, fellas, she gave the correct democratic American answer.

  28. WTS

    old FCer: Ew. Thanks for that imagery.

  29. toni

    Bitch Looks Like Kathy Bates In The First Pic.

  30. be sure: THIS IS NOT NESSECARY, folks.
    (I have everything under control without it)

  31. Kels

    Of course she won’t have sex with you, binge eating is a very time consuming activity.

  32. Darth

    Holy crap! This is one healthy looking girl!

  33. Rhialto

    Quitting with smoking and serious cardio and work-outs are going well.And photos like these help me to keep me on the diet.

  34. His Huge Greatness Himself

    Where’s my babe?

  35. Mr. Jones

    If this chunk (not a chick, but a chunk) gets any more fat, she will need to switch to Gospel.

  36. w00t

    Hmmm the link to Britney in Piccadilly Circus gives way to BEYONCE’s dancers flash-dancing to promote “single ladies”.

    Hellloooooo???????

  37. Kelly Clarkson has apparently given up. The fat on her cheeks and forehead are making her eyes slowly disappear.

  38. haters

    You guys are all haters ripping on Kelly. I’d rather have a real person as a celebrity anyday. VS the fake bi@ches that you say are soo perfect. I respect her that she is comfortable in her body. If thats the way she is the happiest who are you to care. I’m sure half of you running your mouth have the same if not worse body fat percentage..HATA

  39. haters

    You guys are all haters ripping on Kelly. I’d rather have a real person as a celebrity anyday. VS the fake bi@ches that you say are soo perfect. I respect her that she is comfortable in her body. If thats the way she is the happiest who are you to care. I’m sure half of you running your mouth have the same if not worse body fat percentage..HATA

  40. John Adams

    #27 – spot on.

  41. Deva

    She may be 50 lbs overweight, but I’d still hit her all night long. She’s hot for some reason.

  42. Soop

    @27 – you’re wrong. This is America, dammit, and you cannot express your opinion on anything unless and until it has been thoroughly vetted by the Left. When THEY approve of the message, then you may express that opinion.

  43. dude

    #39 i have 8 pct body fat. while i’d still bang the crap outta kc as she looks in the second pic (yeah i like curvey thighs) face it a slim man like me makes a girl like her look even fatter, so yeah i’m more likely to go out with a stick like lindsay. i’m happy if kelly’s comfortable in her body but if she dont hit a treadmill soon she’s toying with obesity. that any better a role model?

  44. Rich Port's Ghost

    Yup, anytime you disagree with gays, you’re a “gay basher” or “homophobe”

    Why do they always play the victim? “Poor old gay me, look at the strife I have to go through”

    Hey gays, why dont you stop being such whiny ass bitches.

  45. Matt

    “gay basher”!? Hardly.

    How weak is the case for same-sex marriage that it must proceed by first invalidating polite disagreements as bigoted slurs? Drop a pair and make your case without attacking everyone who disagrees with you.

    Fact: In California everyone has the right to marry someone of the opposite gender.
    Fact: In California No one has the right to marry someone of the same gender.

    Twice, we have voted not to expand our rights to include the freedom to marry someone of the same gender. This is not discrimination, but a people speaking for themselves, consistently reaffirming that they’re not interested in allowing gay marriages in their state. Historically, the case for gay marriage has been based primarily on attempts to show that anyone who is against gay marriage is a hateful person. The truth is, there is less hate than you’d think, coming from fewer people than proponents would like you to believe. The majority of people who oppose gay marriage do so dispassionately and not because they hate gay people. To suggest otherwise is inflammatory rhetoric not a well formulated argument.

  46. she is what i call cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurvy – shake that ass, watch it jiggle.

  47. she is what i call cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurvy – shake that ass, watch it jiggle.

  48. she is what i call cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurvy – shake that ass, watch it jiggle.

  49. Matt

    Kelly is so God damn fucking delicious its unbelievable!! I would fuck her so hard my balls would implode.

  50. richard

    I would no way in hell let her wear that outfit. her whole chunk of fat is coming off the top of her arms and bust.. nasty. who would tap that anyways.

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