Kelly Brook in a bikini

British model/actress Kelly Brook’s new play “Fat Pig” opened last night in London. The production features a scene where Kelly’s character goes to the beach in a bikini and then apparently tries to swallow children in her freakishly large mouth. Why not? That said, I’m not sure about these pictures. On the one hand, you’ve got boobs. On the other, ribcage. Wait, what did I just type after “boobs?” I stopped paying attention when the meadow of cartoon forest creatures that appears whenever I see cleavage opened up behind Kelly and the unicorn started pointing at her breasts. And that, ladies, is the story of why men can never make eye contact. The End. (Also, we hate stories about shoes.)