Kelly Clarkson’s Pregnant, Wasn’t F*cking Around

November 20th, 2013 // 24 Comments
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Not even three weeks ago, Kelly Clarkson announced that she was going to ride the shit out of her husband who she’d only been married to for 10 days until he put a baby in her for Christmas. Which worked, so just assume he’s dead now. He died. PEOPLE reports:

The singer, 31, and her husband Brandon Blackstock are expecting their first child together, Clarkson announced Tuesday on Twitter.
I’m pregnant!!! Brandon and I are so excited! Best early Christmas present ever,” she Tweeted.

When asked how she’d get the baby out in time for Christmas, Kelly Clarkson replied, “Simple. I’ll threaten to fuck it, too.” The child would arrive December 24 at 1:35 p.m. followed by a sibling three days later.

Photos: Getty, Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. cc

    A yes, another miracle Christian birth.

  2. lawn

    No, she’s pregnant because she WAS fucking around.

  3. JC

    Don’t people generally wait more than 10 minutes to announce these things, given the possibility of a false positive and/or early miscarriage?

  4. My bet is that she undergoes the Nicole Eggert expansion process.

  5. I wonder if the increased gravitational pull associated with objects of large mass helps with getting pregnant.

  6. In a related story, all fast food restaurants within a 5 state radius have posted armed guards and tanks outside to stave off the inevitable Clarkson attack. They don’t stand a chance.

  7. Well, she definitely has the ‘eating for two’ part checked off.

  8. timmy the dying boy

    Gonna need to get a bigger plunger ready.

  9. Cock Dr

    She does have the look of a woman who would conceive if a man simply took off his pants in her presence.
    I’m still surprised that Bubba Clinton wasn’t able to impregnate her with his eyes during the last inauguration.

  10. stinkfinger

    The Hampton Inn called. They want their curtains back.

  11. Mohawk Disco

    For years we listened to the “It’s all the man’s fault because he can’t keep his zipper up.” speech. Well, now you see even when a man tries – desperately – to… It was the women all along that’s all i’m saying. Apple pie anyone?

  12. kimmykimkim

    I will never understand some women’s obsession with getting pregnant. I’ll be taking my birth control until someone prys it from cold dead hands. Shit, I’ll be menopausal and still be taking that shit. Babies are so fucking disgusting. (Cue all the pissed off moms out there.)

    • Mohawk Disco

      Never understood this obsession with having kids just to have them. I always think, what’s better for a kid, having one just because that’s what’s “normal” or having a kid because you want to have them?

    • Cock Dr

      Kimmy if you have the temperament necessary to deal with long term monogamy you should try finding a man who has had a vasectomy.
      It’s the greatest.

    • I hear you, Kimmy. Kids are nothing but torture. They’re definitely not fucking fashion accessories like Hollywood would have you believe.

      • kimmykimkim

        They ruin lives, friendships, all your nice things, they get shit up their backs, snotty noses… they are just horrible. You know what’s good? Puppies. Motherfuckin puppies, dude. I’ll take a thousand puppies over one human child any day. Or kittens. Those are good too. Sure they claw up your furniture and jump on your kitchen counters after burying their feces with their own paws but shit, at least they don’t turn into shitty little tweens and teenagers. Animals are fuckin awesome.

  13. Kelly’s spirit animal: the praying mantis.

  14. Photo of Kelly’s husband and last two guys she tried to get pregnant from: http://bit.ly/1atT7wC

  15. So we’ll the 2014 Chirstmas card sometime in the fall, with a 300 pound Kelly trying to hide all her baby weight..and wanting to get preggers again..oh joy…

  16. Kelly Clarkson Pregnant 47th Annual CMA Awards Show
    Greenie65
    Commented on this photo:

    It was at this moment that Mrs. Clause realized that she was on Santa’s “other” naughty list. Get it? Because that glass thing looks like an icicle dildo.

  17. Brandon

    I’d dreamed of Kelly one day saying those words. Damn it!

  18. So now she has a reason to look kinda chubby, mission accomplished Kelly.

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