Kelly Brook’s Banging Jeremy Piven? I WILL BLOT OUT THE SUN!!!

November 13th, 2013 // 34 Comments
Kelly Brook Topless
Kelly Brook Topless
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Welcome to the most depressing post you’ll ever see on this site, and it’s literally taking all my willpower not to slam my laptop shut and hang myself in the garage because this life is a big ol’ cock slapping you in the face. Just slapping you until you think you can’t take anymore, pausing for a minute, asking if you’re okay, and then slapping you again. If you’re in high school or college reading this, just give up. There’s no future for you. There’s no future for anybody. There’s only a constant stream of douches douching their way into giant titties because God himself is a douche. “I made you in my own image,” I believe were his exact words before fashioning Adam a pork pie hat out of Eve’s logic center. “Eh, she won’t need it.”

Photos: DOBN/AKM-GSI

superficial

  1. marta

    tryng to slip his sensitive guy weiner in before either she figures out he’s is a douche or friends tell her… .it’s a race against time

  2. Inner Retard

    Today darkest is the night of sadness for my soul has forsaken the light that simmered upon the thin string of hope illuminating my desolate plain.

  3. Hot chick, but it’s a well-known fact she always ends up dating douches – the list is long… good news, though, is that rarely last long.

  4. We survived Billy Zane. We will survive this.

  5. life’s biggest question has just been answered…there is no god.

  6. He’s still short and still balding and still the same asshole who left an Entourage DVD as a tip.

  7. Party Tits

    I’m a straight woman, and this fills me with despair.

  8. Did bigfoot take a dump on her doorstep and she saw it and said I’ll date it?

  9. Kelly Brook Dating Jeremy Piven
    andie
    Commented on this photo:

    probably inhaling a powdery white handful of shark sashimi

  10. boue67

    He is rich and famous…guess what that makes her…

  11. Kelly Brook Dating Jeremy Piven
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    This whole travesty aside, explain to me what exactly is going on in the background? it looks like hes under a pier ready to murder a hooker. And what’s with that fucking mat bungee-corded to the , er deck with no railing?

    • They’re at his house in Malibu, which has an enclosed deck almost at beach level, with two padded sun pads about 5 feet above the sand. What looks like the underside of a pier in the background is actually the support structure for the house next door to his, which looks elevated since it doesn’t have that enclosed lower portion.

    • Department of Redundancy Department: sorry about “padded sun pads” – some days it pays to slow down. Anyway, the mats are attached to the deck/railing, which is flat and wide and wraps around both sides of the house.

  12. Once again, not known for dating quality men, much like Amanda Seyfried, therefore, not that tragic.

  13. AteIsEnough

    WHY must hot women be so fuckin’ retarded? It would be alright to hook up with an unknown, or some great guy that’s not great looking…but to hook up with a ego-maniacal balding dwarf with a horse face and no soul or personality???? Really, WTF?

  14. Bob

    She just likes balding men: Billy Zane, Piven.

    • So Jason Statham is up next then?

    • As a balding man that is otherwise at least average looking I can assure you that no woman likes balding men. Not one. There is a fetish for everything in the world EXCEPT that. I wore a hat for 4 straight years until I finally locked my wife in via marriage and an anchor baby. It was glorious top of the head liberation the second after my daughter was born.

  15. Walter White

    Not that no talent, short, ugly, bald assclown. There is truly no God.

  16. Today my fury will consume the world. Today the burning star of pure rage and hatred at the center of my soul goes supernova and end life as we know it. Hug someone before you go. Anyone but Jeremy Piven.

  17. Really ?

    As a brit this guy is nowhere near the asshat of her previous fella, Danny. A rugby player with talent who thought that meant he didn’t have to train, maintain sobriety ever or show manners to anyone.

    Looks the The Statham was her high point afterall.

  18. Kelly Brook Dating Jeremy Piven
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Just by being in close proximity to him she becomes average.

  19. I have to ask my celebrity-following superiors here: what makes piven a douche? Ari Gold the character was a douche, but I remember seeing a few interviews with Piven and he seemed like a laid-back, normal guy. I still hate him for this, but still, every man deserves a fair douche trial or else we’re no better than the terrorists. Or the French.

    P.S. No, I’m not Jeremy or I wouldn’t be wasting time on this site when I have Kelly Brook waiting for me out on the deck…

  20. Kelly Brook Dating Jeremy Piven
    Commented on this photo:

    why why

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