Keanu Reeves is ‘The One’ – who doesn’t have to pay shit

November 3rd, 2008 // 23 Comments

Keanu Reeves won a lawsuit today when a jury of his peers determined he is not liable for the injuries of papparazzo Alison Shiva. Alison claims Keanu struck him with his Porsche in 2007 which damaged his wrist and caused him to lose work. Unfortunately, Alison is too stupid to realize he works around people with cameras all day who snapped pics of him chasing Britney Spears shortly after the alleged incident. The AP reports:

Over the course of four days, jurors heard how Silva gave contradictory statements about what happened and even saw a video of the celeb shooter using his supposedly damaged hand to scale down a chain link fence after getting video of Britney Spears.
Reeves stayed for the whole trial, testifying and signing the occasional autograph in the hallway.

How in the hell do you lose a lawsuit where Keanu Reeves gives testimony? That’s got to be scientifically impossible. All this Alison guy had to do was point at the actor and say “Keanu Reeves was driving a vehicle,” and the jury would yell “Guilty, guilty!” before jumping out the window in terror. In fact, I’m pretty sure I just soiled myself thinking about it. Nope, wait; false alarm. Pudding cup in my back pocket again. What? I love butterscotch.

superficial

  1. Steeevil

    FRIGGIN FIRST!

  2. JM

    Twelfth!

  3. mamadough

    i can say with a confident and a fully educated decision that Yo Gabba Gabba is literally worse than the holocaust.

  4. I’d be happy if my wrist hurt after an encounter with Keanu.

  5. Bob Loblaw

    Judge: “Dude’s name is ‘Alison?’ Case dismissed.”

  6. Great Banana

    This guy’s name is “Alison”? And nobody comments on that?

    Did his brothers Elizabeth and Jennifer testsify? Or his sisters Frank and Butch?

    How can a jury not vote in favor of a guy named “Alison” who is claiming a limp-wrist injury?

  7. ohyeah...

    keanu is hot, and the guy with the camera behind him too.period

  8. It's Me Fuckers!!

    I’d let Keanu fuck me. Especially if he had a picture of Brad Pitt over his face. RAWR!! Come ‘ere Brad… I mean Keanu…

  9. Tim

    After the verdict, Mr. Reeves was overheard saying “Whoa.”

  10. the difference

    After the trial, Keanu received a phone call from a man saying he was the president of France, but Keanu immediately realized it was prank and hung up.

  11. havoc

    Keanu can’t grow a beard for shit.

    A guy named Alison?!?!?

    mkay….

    .

  12. havoc

    Keanu can’t grow a beard for shit.

    A guy named Alison?!?!?

    mkay….

    .

  13. db

    Sucks to be you, GIRL’S NAME

  14. A boy named Shia

    Alison Shiva is a struggling male prostitute. Life is rough on the mean streets!

  15. Why the fuck should Neo have to pay for shit??

  16. Evil Cat

    Hurray! A post that doesn’t include boobs!

    and I’d do him.

  17. kevin

    I saw his profile on fitness & celebrity dating club ^^^^^^FitnessKiss. C O M^^ ^^^^ last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship he is looking for on that site.

  18. This primarly because he has no SHIT, folks!!
    (he’s american, REMEMBER?)

  19. ChuckleHead

    WOW!! 19 posts in almost 8 hours. The Superficial really got their dollars worth out of this thread.

  20. Virgodoll

    The guy behind Keanu is so damn hot, wow

  21. Shiva

    Shiva is my name. Silva is his name.

  22. Johnny

    Alison-LOL

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