Katy Perry: ‘Look at These, You’re Fired’

May 20th, 2011 // 96 Comments

The Smoking Gun has obtained Katy Perry‘s 45-page-long tour rider loaded with demands for glass door refrigerators, “perspex modern style” coffee tables and ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING CARNATIONS. Also included are frighteningly specific instructions for her drivers that have to be from experience:

- The driver will not start a conversation with the client.
- The driver will not talk to the clients guests or fans.
- The driver will never assume, always ask if in doubt.
- Do not stair at the backseat thru the rearvieuw mirrow.
- Do not ask for autographs or pictures, and especially not while driving!

Why do I get the feeling Katy’s been in several situations where a driver wrecked the car staring at her chest through the rearview only to ask for an autograph waiting for the paramedics to arrive? Because, honestly, I don’t think anything short of hiring a goddamn robot is going to stop that. And even then. “Good afternoon, Miss Katy Perry. Beep boop. I am J-6, your driving robot for the day. Please fasten your seat- beep boop whoa those are giant titties.” *drives off cliff*

Photo: WENN

superficial

  1. Katy Perry Breasts
    Marley
    Commented on this photo:

    He actually looks sort of like a woman.

  2. MisterSuccint

    - The driver will not start a conversation with the client.
    - The driver will not talk to the clients guests or fans.
    - The driver will never assume, always ask if in doubt.

    If the driver is in doubt, who he ask if he can’t converse with the client nor talk to the clients [sic] guests, or fans?

  3. almost as ridic as her costumes

  4. Marley

    He actually looks sort of like a woman.

  5. Bucky Barnes

    If I can’t look at her or speak should I assume that Riding Miss Daisy is out of the question?

  6. -Driver will be shaven eunuch.
    -Driver will clean cum stains off of seats between trips.
    -Driver will provide assortment of vibrators and dildo attachments at own expense.
    -Driver will provide anus for Russell, should client be sore.
    -Driver will not speak to Russell, while providing said anus.
    -No brown m&m’s

  7. jim eh

    Ridiculous demands from a ridiculous 14:59 seconds famewhore.

  8. Hey, I just found out there is a whole internet full of boobs that don’t come with horrid songs and ridiculous lyrics. Did you guys know about this??

  9. Will

    Did a 6th grader type the demands? Grammar apparently wasn’t important.

    • Bucky Barnes

      Katy was probably home schooled, which is how she learned there were dinosaurs in the Garden of Eden.

      • TomFrank

        I was thinking the same thing. “Principle Driver Policy”? “Do not stair at the backseat thru the rearvieuw mirrow”? Did Katy type this up herself? I’m still trying to figure out what “vehicle matinees” are.

    • Kat

      My son is in the 5th grade and has better grammar and spelling skills than that. What a Bitch!

  10. Jill

    “Stair”? Is the driver going to walk up her? I’m confused. Also, What’s a “rearvieuw”? That specific request looks like it was written by Katy Perry’s newest 5-year old employee.

  11. Her first driver was Lloyd Christmas.

  12. Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but I can’t help but notice “The Driver will not motorboat my huge sweater hams for 20 minutes” did NOT appear on the list.

  13. Cock Dr

    The strategy of using boobs to sell shit seems to work. How many people paid how much for those tickets?

  14. OnTheRealThough

    Sounds like Katy needs The Transporter then.

  15. Bucky Barnes

    She didn’t say that the driver can’t jerk off in the front seat and then turn around and shoot in her face. Score one for the chauffeurs!

  16. Katy Perry Breasts
    Max
    Commented on this photo:

    Do not “stair?”

  17. Her rider doesn’t seem any more preposterous than every other celebrity’s. The funniest one I ever read was the Stooges one
    http://www.josgrain.com/StoogesRiders.pdf

  18. Grace

    Oh my god, that robot punchline at the end made some milk come out my nose..lol

  19. Barkingmad

    Hey,.. I love the “BLASTING LOUD AUDIO” advertisements on your page.
    The first sure sign of the run up to jumping the shark.
    NO consumer in any poll ever taken has wanted “auto-audio” in advertisements. It ALWAYS has a negative impact on your site and your viewers.
    Between this, the loss of quality, the site getting hacked regularly and all the “let’s just jam shit into little archive sections as opposed to writing anything about them….
    *bookmark deleted*
    (Yeah I’m sure you’re not at all pussyhurt about me never coming back, but my guess is that the push for ads/neglect of quality trend here means I’m not the first and won’t be the last to leave because of this kind of consistant shit.)

  20. Katie

    Who the hell does this bitch think she is? Someone with talent?

  21. meat

    Doesn’t say anything about jacking off while driving and firing your load at her. I guess that’s stil allowed.

  22. Juano

    Hmmm. Why do I have the premonition that at some point in the not-too-distant future, Ms. Perry will be the one driving the car and fuming at the restrictions that the next short-shelf lived celebrity imposes? Could it be because she has no real talent apart from what sits in her over the shoulder boulder holders? Although the talentless loser she’s married to may end up in the chauffer’s seat sooner, given the lack of response to that movie he just released.

  23. I’ll take you seriously when you learn how to
    A) Spell
    B) Sing.
    Biiiiiitch!

  24. FUCK YOU!

    REALLY! 2, not 1 annoying as fuck video ad,but 2 annoying as fuck video ads on the same page. Fucking kill yourself. I understand you have to pay the bills but use rich media that’s not intrusive and loud.

    • LeggoMyEggoOnMyFace-O

      In before the Rapture.

    • PSA

      for what it’s worth, try the MUTE BUTTON. i never have my sound up unless i’m consciously listening to music or watching netflix/youtube.. knowhatimean? then you don’t have to hear “Congratulations!” anymore :)

      The more you know..

  25. yawn

    ever drive with those car service guys.. they’re a chatty bunch.. i dont care about the rider.. it makes sense.. every time she gets in a car it should be time to chill.. not worry about small talk..

  26. Grace

    I only saw the many grammar mistakes… Guess I *am* a language snob.
    Don’t *STAIR*!
    Cheech

  27. I don’t know what it is but even though I can’t really stand her I’d love to motorboat those funbags for like an hour and then sport fuck her for a couple of days straight.
    Is that wrong of me?

  28. Wavecat

    Five years from now, this flash-in-the-pan will be begging the garbage man to “stair at her”.

  29. NTT

    Do she try to look like a used blow up doll on purpose?

  30. horny pig

    Wanna kick her in cunt with my steel toed boots

  31. Robert

    She must’ve written these herself; her lawyer wouldn’t have misspelled “stare” as “stair”.

  32. matthew

    But…she’s not even attractive!
    When will we raise out standards for Hollywood Harlots?
    I, for one, do not enjoy this recession pussy, at all.

  33. Joe E

    Talent-less fat whore….would ya?

  34. Nicole

    She’s a real bitch… without fans she would be nothing.. That’s the problem, egos get to big and they forget about being a normal person. There is nothing special about her. She just has a weird style and signs a few songs.. big deal.. Get over yourself.

    • Jon

      Look at the people who are her fans. Maybe she realises that they don’t deserve any respect and if they are stupid enough to cough up the green, than they deserve what they get.

  35. Katy Perry Breasts
    B
    Commented on this photo:

    Wait so always ask if there is doubt.. but I thought it said don’t start conversation??

  36. Brad

    Stairs are for climbing.

  37. Maggie

    What’s wrong with carnations?

  38. There’s really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you’re more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That’s the worst! I have this cousin, well y’know, I had this cousin…

  39. Katy Perry Breasts
    Hazel
    Commented on this photo:

    Omg u can see her nana! :O

  40. Katy Perry Breasts
    Nic
    Commented on this photo:

    Do not ‘stair’ at the ‘backseat’ thru the ‘rearvieuw’ ‘mirrow’? I’m sorry, but the person who faked this can’t spell.

  41. SIN

    These actually make sense. Ever been in a taxi and the driver did those things she listed? The driver swerves in and out of their lane and become a danger to everyone.
    I have also been in a cab with one of my drop dead gorgeous co-workers ( there are exactly 2) and the driver DID hit another car because he was starring at her in the rear view mirror.

  42. Brooke

    I know a Hollywood driver, and he said in general you aren’t supposed to talk to the client unless spoken to, because some people are chatty and some want you to shut up and do your job. I think something really must have happened if she had to include that…

    Though if a woman dressed as a valentine hopped into my backseat, I’d probably be less interested in watching the road.

  43. tlmck

    If she got in the car looking like that, I would be sooooo fired.

  44. Katy Perry Breasts
    yowillie
    Commented on this photo:

    She needs a pearl necklace.

  45. Venom

    If she would let me blast all over those magnificent breasts of hers, I will gladly work for free.

  46. coherent

    I wouldn’t want anyone to escalator me either.

  47. Michael

    This girl kills me with her boobs. But like everyone has said, if she plans to rest on those laurels for the rest of her career, and keep pushing out this shit music that’s making her $$$, don’t look for her to have a long-lasting career. Ditch the auto-tune crap, and make some of that funny music that worked with your debut album, honey.

    Plus, there are thousands of other celebrities who make these rider regulations. Katy isn’t the only one.

  48. revinterrupt13

    “Thou shall not…” — celebrity egos will never fail to amaze me…i hope to one day amaze other people with my own list of Thou shall not…

  49. Katy Perry Breasts
    Bryan Templin
    Commented on this photo:

    This chick is fine but her attitude is like a dog’s behind !! People can’t talk or speak to her she need’s to get over herself !! I did like her but with this ugly attitude she need’s to save it for that ugly ass thing she married in Russel Brand.

  50. Jon

    I prefer fapping to Betty Boop, there for Katy Perry is redundant.

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